Problems in marriage and the “Crazy Cycle”

She cries…He slams the door and leaves for an hour… Problems in marriage and the “Crazy Cycle”

Men think, value, speak, listen, act, react, behave one way…Women think, value, speak, listen, act, react, behave another way…

Neither are wrong, just different.

Dr. Eggerichs says the wife hears through pink ear phones. The husband hears through blue ear phones. Pink and Blue, Male and Female.

Dr. Eggerichs calls miscommunication and/or arguments in marriage the “Crazy Cycle.”
A husband and wife have an argument. The husband says, “You never do the laundry.” The wife says, “Well you are wearing clean clothes aren’t you? How can you say I never do laundry. You are trying to make me like your mother. Well I’ll never be like her. I am me and you better get used to it and and and....”

Click-click. Buckle your seat belt because this couple is about to get on the Crazy Cycle.

The husband doesn’t mean to communicate that his wife NEVER does laundry. The husband is communicating that he needs clean clothes and the dirty laundry is piling up. The wife hears her husband through her pink ear phones. Women tend to personalize the statements of men. This is why she goes down the path of believing that she heard him say, “You are not a good wife. You will never be a good wife. I am not satisfied with you. My mother did a better job at taking care of my needs than you.” The husband didn’t say any of these things…But the wife personalizes his negative tone and over-generalization. “You never do laundry” means to her “You are not a good wife.”

When Chuck and I attended pre-marital classes in 1998 at Calvary Chapel Golden Springs, one thing I remember so clearly was this-Never say use these words in an argument: never and always.

Wife says, “You always come home late” (wrong)
Husband says, “You never do laundry” (wrong).

Saying never and always is broad and untrue. These overgeneralizations are not helpful in marital communications.

Dr. Eggerichs (Dr. E) said that because we are inherently different, male and female, blue and pink, there is going to be conflict.

Jesus said, “In the world you will have tribulation; but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world." John 16:33

Tribulation, conflicts, trials and struggles are inevitable. But the key to successful marital communication is to recognize there are differences (remember, women are pink and men are blue). Another key is to understand when you are on the Crazy Cycle and learn how to get off quickly.

Dr. E said something that was really profound for me personally…He said that a woman’s perception of how successful and satisfying a marriage will be is often judged as early as the honeymoon.

Wow.

Here is a personal illustration…

Chuck and I are on our honeymoon in Kauai, the garden island. I want to go snorkeling, hiking, visit the best beaches, go on a helicopter ride, go to a luau, and of course shop!
I am a morning person (Chuck used to call me “A Bundle of Joy in the Morning”)… So here I go waking up at 7 am, getting my coffee, getting dressed and ready to decide what adventure is in store for us today (we only have 7 days) on our fantasized/dream HONEYMOON. I have been playing and replaying this honeymoon in my mind, not for a year, but for my whole life.
My Chuck wants to rest, kick back, watch some TV, grab a late breakfast (or maybe skip it and go straight to lunch) read a little, sit by the pool, and then MAYBE do an activity. What’s the rush? We have 7 days on the island..that’s a long time, and we just finished planning a wedding which was stressful and sleep sounds like the best idea for relaxation.
One day on our Honeymoon, we were arguing about Chuck wanting to relax, and my wanting to explore the island and do back to back activities, with food/dining being an option. (Trail mix is food right?)
I started to cry. I thought….Here we are on our honeymoon and we’re fighting and we can’t agree and he is not being understanding to my needs and I want to explore and I want to see the best beaches and I want to get the most out of this vacation. I took my emotions to the LORD. Father, I don’t want to fight with my husband. Please help me get over this struggle.

I felt like God smacked me behind the head (in a gentle and loving way) and said, “Get it together Rookie!!! Stop thinking about what YOU want to do and try to do something HE wants to do. Stop thinking about YOU and don’t let the enemy tell you anything about what this marriage is going to be like. I have put you two together. I have good thoughts for you and I have a plan for you and I am going to bless your marriage because you and Chuck love me.” (Of course this wasn’t audible, but God spoke to my heart)

I wiped my tears. I said sorry to my new husband. I asked him respectfully, “Honey, what would you like to do? Do you want to just have a relaxing picnic on a beach somewhere?” Suddenly, we were OFF the Crazy Cycle.

Duh! Look at my thoughts earlier, I want, I want, me, me, me, I, I,I whine, whine, whine…

See, I was able to get off the Crazy Cycle because God made me realize I wasn’t being respectful to what Chuck’s idea of relaxing was. My idea of relaxing is being busy or active. His idea of relaxing is chillin’….doing nothing with your wife right next to you.

The key to getting off the Crazy Cycle during my honeymoon was AND STILL IS prayer. When I take the issue to the LORD, He always reminds me to just keep on loving God first (Matt 6:33) and He will direct my paths (or decisions) Prov. 3:5-6.

Another key to getting off the Crazy Cycle is to simply recognize you and your spouse are different and that’s OK. You just need to communicate (for the wife-use respectful words and tone and for the husband use loving words and tone).

Sheesh! I mean how silly is it really to be fighting on a beautiful island in Hawaii? I’m glad God helped me get off that Crazy Cycle otherwise I’d be blogging about how I RUINED my honeymoon with my activity driven personality.

Here is something else Dr. E was right about. My flesh began to judge the success of the marriage based upon the honeymoon. Crazy isn’t it? Here is what I think is happening. Our society tells our little girls that they need a man to pamper them, treat them like a princess, give them their deepest hearts desires and to intuitively know what they need or want or dream. This is not Biblical and it is a lie from the enemy.
Dr. E said that the numbers for “walk away women” (meaning, women who are initiating the divorce) is staggering and enormous. Why is this happening? Because women are choosing the lie over the truth. (Romans 1:25 and 2Thess 2:11-12)

Again, wow.

Application- Recognize men and women are different. Men need unconditional respect just as women need unconditional love. Because of our differences, recognize there is conflict built into marriage which causes us to jump on the Crazy Cycle. Recognize when you are on the Crazy Cycle and use prayer as a tool to get off. Women, use respectful words and husbands use loving words.

Third time- wow.

More to come…