God says "Yes"

We pray. 

We wait on God.

We hope.

We cling to His Word like a child's hands firmly grasped on the harness while riding a roller coaster.

It hurts and all the evidence points to the inevitable. 

The worst has happened.

The last breathe was taken.

We grieve and mourn and wish for different results. 

I often tell the LORD, "I trust you even though I don't like this. I don't get this. But where else can I go?"

The ceiling has fallen. 

The world appears to halt.

This was not supposed to happen, but it happened.

A divorce. A cancer journey. A child with disabilities. An unfaithful spouse. A pink slip and the words "We have to let you go" A car accident. A child who had so much promise runs away from Jesus.

COVID has reminded us of the brevity of life. 

I confess, it hurts when God says no.

I have begged God for a miracle. 

I watched the sweet movie "Encanto" today. She was not given a gift. Everyone in her family was special. But the main character did not receive a gift. She smiled even though her heart was sad, envious and a little weary. Everyone else got a gift, but she did not receive hers. 

I get this. 

In Encanto, she sings. "I am waiting on a miracle."

So many miracles were performed when Jesus walked the earth.

He healed the blind, lame, those with leprosy, the woman with the issue of blood, he raised the dead, he multiplied food, he healed the demon possessed, He calmed the sea. He is indeed God. Jesus is God.

I often wrestle with when God says "no" to my prayers. 

I hope you wrestle too. Wrestling makes us human and we can't wrestle with someone we don't believe in. 

Faith can be painful because what we want so bad is not happening. It may never happen...We don't always hear "yes" to our prayers and that stings. 

He is a Good Good Father, even when the circumstance is anything but good.

I have reflected quite a bit on the idea of when God says "no."

I don't want to camp there....

I want to reflect on when God says "yes."

God says Yes to grace.

God says Yes to salvation as a free gift.

God says Yes to a reunion with our loved ones who have gone home first. 

God says Yes to beautiful lasting memories.

God says Yes to mercy.

God says Yes to new mercies every morning.

God says Yes to illumination of His Word.

God says Yes to sunrises- made just for you.

God says Yes to starlit skies- again, designed just for you....

God says Yes to kindergarten kisses by small innocent lips. 

God says Yes to taking care of you from your youth to your old age. 

God says Yes to living an abundant life with His Spirit guiding you.

God says Yes to listening to your broken record prayers.

God says Yes to bind up fresh wounds.

God says Yes to healing your old scars.

God says Yes to making new wine out of you.

God says Yes to working all things together for His good...

He says Yes.

It's like we are asking Him to marry us...

We wait with eager anticipation...

He loves me? He loves me not.

Jesus says "Yes! I will be your bridegroom. I would go to the Cross all over again. You are worth it. I say Yes" 

Jesus says yes to our salvation, to grace and to eternity with Him. 

We must trust Him...

The Art of Lament

When I am in pain I write.

When I write, it does not always make sense... Thank you in advance for your tenderness.

I am not a theologian or scholar or ardent student of the subject of pain and suffering. I am not an authority on the subject.

I am a girl with a blog and we all gotta start somewhere right?

Lament can be a noun or verb.

Lament (noun) A passionate expression of grief or sorrow.

Lament (verb) to mourn (a person's loss or death) or to express one's deep grief about something or someone. 

Grief is a process. This is true. We do not "act" like it's true.

We want people to hurry up, get over it, get better and be back to normal. I want normal and you do too.

The best thing we can do when someone is grieving is just be there. The ministry of presence.

The best thing we can do when someone is lamenting is pray with them and for them.

We must be there for each other to help process grief like Job's friends but NOT like Job's friends in their judgmental/"where's your sin Job" approach. 

Warren Wiersbe's book: "Why us? When Bad Things Happen to God's People" noted a very good point. 

"The basic theme of the book of Job is GOD, not suffering, and the book answers very few questions. However, the book of Job is an important document for our case that God is big enough to help us when life tumbles in." (emphasis mine)

The LORD reminded me of an image.

When I was in college I took a photography class and we even had the opportunity to process the film of the photos we shot.

Photographic processing or photographic development is the chemical process by which photographic film (or paper) is treated after photographic exposure to produce a negative or positive image. 

The chemicals are stinky. 

The process room is dark.

"All photographic processing use a series of chemical baths" one article stated. "Processing especially the development stages, requires very close control of temperature, agitation and time."

Temperature, agitation and time...

Temperature, agitation and time...

ALL in a controlled environment. 

Although the photographic film room is stinky, there is a bubbling of joy and enthusiasm going on inside of you.

Will any of these prints come out nice?

Did I shoot an Ansel Adams worthy work of art?

There is a thrill of hope...Through the stinky process you sense something beautiful will emerge. 

The LORD does promise to bring beauty from ashes but it gets hard to trust this Truth when you've been living with ashes for a long long time. 

We do trust the One in the control room. 

We trust the finger of God holding the thermostat. King Jesus will not use the temperature, agitation and time for nothing....He DOES have a purpose, a Kingdom purpose. But again, it's hard to see this beyond the ashes at times...the ashes of grief and pain and mourning can be blinding. 

Our Awesome Lord reminded me of another image in comforting my heart through this season of lament.

Nursing.

Nursing? Like a baby?

Yes.

I remember when I was nursing Olivia I would feel strong striking pains in my body. What is that?

"Women who breastfeed burn extra calories to make milk...Nursing also triggers contractions that help shrink the uterus making it a workout for the whole body" (from babycenter.com)

Lamentation is like nursing. You are releasing tears all the while feeling contractions in your body yourself. A new birth is coming. A new life will be born. What can be more comforting than a nursing mom with her newborn? The baby is cradled and comforted, but the mom feels the contractions.

Let God cradle you. Let Him nurse you through lament as He holds your tears in a bottle. He wants to comfort you and feed you and let you lean on Him, not on your own understanding. 

I cannot emphasize this enough- Lamenting makes us more like Jesus. 

I know I know, you do not want to hear that. I do not want to say it (or type it) but it's true.

Pain places us at the feet of our Savior. Grief causes us to look to Him over and over and over again.

When I have experienced exuberant joy (the birth of my children, my wedding day, passing the bar exam, other moments like seeing Mt Rainier for the first time or Yellowstone, or even the ocean or a stunning sunrise) the moment is quick. The joy fades. It's so short lived. We can go back to the moment and be re-filled with joy...but it fades. Grief seems to linger. When we are in a season of lamenting...it feels like FOREVER and stays with us like gum on your shoe.

Think of it. We praise HARDER in our season of lament than in our season of joy. In the season of lament our eyes are on the thermostat. God, are you there? Will you turn the temperature down a bit? Are you still in the control room? Please Jesus help! Help! Help!

Our cries are birthing something. We learn to appreciate life again. Breath again. We appreciate His Word again because He brings fresh manna like breakfast in bed when we are dying inside. He brings water to our soul like a drink in Death Valley National Park. We sense Him. Not in a weird mystical way- but in reality. 

HE IS NEAR TO THE BROKEN HEARTED. (Psalm 34:18)

He is there. (Ezekiel 48:35)

He is here. (John 6:20)

Immanuel God with us. (Matt 1:23)

Yahweh Shammah - GOD IS THERE. God is here. 

Some scholars say there are 42 Psalms of lament in scripture and 16 national Psalms of lament. 

They say when you are suffering you should "live" in the Psalms. This is wise and true.

Sorrow may last for a night, but joy comes in the morning. (Psalm 30:5)

Yes, there will be morning after mourning. (Lam 3:23)

There will be laughter after lament. (Luke 6:21)

The whole thing takes time. (Eccl 3:2-4)

It is a process. (Psalm 23) We are wise to learn the art of lament. 

We are strong when our Father cradle us, even when we are crying, let us come and adore Him.

I surrender "a little bit"

My son as you all know has autism.

Part of autism includes unsavory behavior.

The top behavior that I hate, loathe, detest, abhor is BITING.

It is really awful.

He does not bite often but even once a month, or once every 2-3 months is one time too many.

The LORD reminded me of a story and I pray it encourages you...

Years ago my son Isaac would play on his Nana's computer. He was doing something and apparently his cousin (my niece) was up in the mix. 

I was not there at the time. My mom (the world's best Nana) was taking care of Isaac and Julianna (Isaac's neuro-typical cousin).

Isaac would get upset about something and at times bite others.

On this instance my mom went in to the room and Isaac was crying.

"What happened Julie?" My mom inquired.

She responds, "I just a little bit bit him."

This little feisty niece of mine decided to fight fire with fire and she bit him back!!

This never happens.

Usually, when Isaac bites someone they stay away and do not play by him or near him.

On this rare occasion Julie bit him back!

This story still does not make me smile.

You might read it and think, "Well she figured if he is going to bite me, I'll just bite him back."

This is the resolution for typical kids, in typical play settings with typical minds.

This is not how Isaac works.

If you bite him back, he'll still bite you if he is at a level 10 in frustration. 

Kids (and adults) on the spectrum do not have the language to communicate so they will repeat behaviors like hitting, biting, self harm, screaming, tantrums, etc. because they simply do not have an alternate way of expressing themselves. 

To say "this is hard" is the understatement of the century...

Right now, we are in the season of Christmas.

There are decorations everywhere. There are lights all aglow. There are toys to be purchased, there are gifts to be re-gifted, there are cookies to be baked and worship songs to be rehearsed.

It's the most wonderful time of the year....

Well...not for the autism family....

The other day Chuck put up a little Christmas tree.

Just the memory of Christmas trees in our home brings up MANY MANY bad memories.

There is the year Isaac kept breaking the vintage ornaments.

There is the year he opened up presents that Olivia and I painstakingly wrapped.

There is the year Isaac kept saying over and over "Christmas tree Christmas tree" 

There is the year Olivia was in tears saying "Isaac is ruining Christmas" and we ended up taking down all our ornaments and decorations early because it was causing too much anxiety for Isaac.

This year, sweet Isaac wanted a present. The moment the tree went up, he kept asking for a present. I said "I don't have any presents" and he lunged at me aggressively.

I literally calmed him down and later said "You can open a present later" I got a bag, put some snacks and stickers in it and had him open it to "calm" the OCD noise in his head...

The point here is not to discuss autism, our Christmas traditions (or lack thereof) or even the roughness of this season for me....

My point (prompted by the Holy Spirit) has to do with Julianna's comment.

"I just a little bit BIT him"

The LORD has been teaching me ALL over again the lesson of surrender.

I have shared this before...

We sing I SURRENDER ALL-Not I surrender "most" or I surrender "some."

God wants ALL! In Spanish "TODO" He wants full and complete surrender.

We can't just a little bit surrender the way Julianna said she just "a little bit" bit Isaac.

We must surrender ALL.

Mary was told by Simeon "Behold this Child is destined for the fall and rising of many in Israel, and for a sign which will be spoken against (yes, a sword will pierce through your own soul also) that the thoughts of many hearts may be revealed" Luke 2:34 

What sword Simeon? Can you elaborate?

Can you imagine how these words must have reveberated in Mary's mind all of her life?

When Jesus was mocked... Is this the sword?

When Jesus' brothers did not believe He was the Messiah... Is this the sword?

When Jesus was betrayed by Judas...Surely this is the sword. 

When Jesus was whipped and beaten and scourged....Finally I understand THIS must be the sword.

No.

When Jesus was nailed to that cross and Mary was there. She did not leave the area. She watched. She watched him come into the world, and she would not allow this horrific moment to be missed either. She watched him say "I thirst." She was the one who always gave him water to drink when he was a young boy and a larger amount of water when he was a teen. 

She heard him say "My God my God why have you forsaken me" and perhaps she was the one who taught Him to read Psalm 22 and now she is seeing Psalm 22 fulfilled before her very eyes. 

I get it Simeon. I get it Abba Father. 

THIS.

This is the sword that was foretold. I am pierced in the heart while He is pierced in His flesh. 

She probably did not get the meaning behind the cross at that moment...

She wanted to.

She wanted to make sense of this Holy moment. "My Son is NOT a martyr. Surely He will rise from the dead. Messiah can do anything. This cannot be the end. My son, my son, my son" She wept bitterly....

Mary must have felt so light headed and faint. It is a miracle in and of itself that she was able to "watch" the crucifixion. 

We can learn a lot from Mary,

Mary did not surrender "a little bit"

Mary did not surrender "some"

Mary did not surrender "most"

Mary surrendered "ALL"

She watched in pain as Jesus her firstborn son, her only son that was born PRIOR to her having relations with Joseph....She watched him die...then she waited.

Mary was in the upper room after Jesus resurrected and ascended. 

Mary was a great woman of faith. 

This Christmas I am learning and re-learning surrender all over again.

I can't just a "little bit" surrender.

I can't surrender a "little bit"

I must surrender all.

Remember Jesus in the Garden of Gethsemene? 
He prayed.

He prayed and He was in deep anguish. Yet He remained laser focused.

"Not my will, Your will be done Abba Father"

There are many things we must surrender. We must take it to the altar over and over and over again. Sometimes MULTIPLE times a day.

I still hate autism. 
I do get deeply grieved when Isaac bites, pinches, pulls hair or gets aggressive. 

However, I must choose surrender over and over because this is what honors God best. 

I do not know what you are struggling with and what you need to surrender. I pray you can glean from this and not surrender a "little bit" but give God your ALL.

Christmas is unique in our home. It is melancholy because we WANT Isaac to enjoy the Christmas season and not experience so much anxiety over the change.

However, I will not "wish" Isaac into anything. What I can do is surrender. I surrender Christmas to you LORD Jesus. 
I surrender the celebrations and all of the things that trigger Isaac.

Whatever you desire, I will choose surrender. Holy Spirit HELP US surrender even when all we can see is an old rugged cross and do not yet see an empty tomb. 

Help us LORD Jesus not miss you this Christmas but truly Worship you and surrender our hearts to you again and again.

I'm Trying to Bless You Bro

Have you ever tried to bless someone only to have it backfire?

On Nov. 2, 2020 Isaac had brain surgery.

Yes, he had brain surgery.

It was a very scary day to put it lightly.

The pediatric neurosurgeon assured us it was a 1 day overnight procedure and recover time would be minimal. "Endoscopic brain surgery to have a fenestration of an arachnoid cyst." That is the name of the procedure. 

After the surgery Isaac was resting in his room. The medical team said he would be groggy and might be nauseous. 

Once Isaac ate 2 meals he would be free to go home. 

He ate small bites but definitely did not have an appetite. 

Finally he finished enough and got the "all clear" to go home. 

We were so excited to see how the procedure would help him.

So much of our life and our home revolves around helping Isaac.

On the way home Chuck said "Let's get Isaac pizza!" This is his favorite food.

We don't buy pizza often because it can cause him to melt down wanting more food and not knowing/understanding when he should stop...

We ordered the pizza and were excited to help Isaac rest and recover at home...

What we neglected to notice was that the doctor said to feed him "light meals" for the next few days. 

Isaac ate the pizza and then vomited.

We felt HORRIBLE.

Here we were trying to bless Isaac and it backfired. He ended up feeling icky and vomited and now we had to clean his room, etc. 

"I was just trying to bless him"

Chuck and I have said this many times. 

We try to bless Isaac only to have the gift become a problem. 

It reminds me of Moses...

God appoints Moses to be the delivered and prophet to lead the children of Israel out of Egypt, out of slavery and into the Promised Land. 

This is what was said to Moses: 

The man said, “Who made you ruler and judge over us? Are you thinking of killing me as you killed the Egyptian?” Then Moses was afraid and thought, “What I did must have become known.” (Exodus 2:14)

Moses had killed an Egyptian man and he was trying to be a blessing...but his behavior backfired. 

In the New Testament Stephen mentions this very incident, "Moses assumed his fellow Israelites would realize that God had sent him to rescue them, but they didn’t." (Acts 7:25)

Moms and Dads are used to this....

You try (and try really hard!) to be a blessing to your kids.

As the saying goes "I am blessed to be a blessing." 

Then later you realize...sometimes our intentions can backfire or go unappreciated. 

I recall a very godly friend of mine was in a counseling session. Her daughter was struggling with same sex attraction and she literally said "I forgive you mom for how you raised me."

WHAT?

This mom had poured love, devotion, care and the child lacked nothing...yet she was now stating emphatically- "You wronged me! You raised me wrong"

I pray this daughter will one day return to the LORD and realize what a blessing her parents are...

Many many times we have thrown up our arms and said to Isaac directly "I was just trying to bless you!"

Isaac has special needs and all the circumstances must be exactly right. For example, if he sees a gift bag, he will want it. I cannot have wrapping paper or gift bags around in the home or he will rip them and assume there are gifts or treats in them. It's very hard. 

My point is this: 

How do we bless God?

How do we bless the LORD in a way that won't backfire?

We often think God wants us to serve Him. Yes! The LORD does love when we serve.

However, we must get to know God's love language. 

Everyone has a love language. I might tell Olivia she is beautiful and she is the most amazing daughter in the world. But using words of affirmation is not her love language. Her main love language is physical touch. She would rather me sit next to her or give her a hug. 

Isaac likes gifts. He does not like hugs...

I think you get the point.

God's love language is Jesus.

Yes-Jesus.

As we love the Son, the Father gets blessed. This will take a lifetime to live out and fully explore. 

In Him (Christ) dwells the fullness of the Godhead bodily. 

This is my beloved Son in whom I am well pleased. 

When we love on Jesus, the Father beams with joy.

We need to grasp this. 

We want to bless God but at times we feel like it "backfires." 

God's Word says "To obey is better than sacrifice" (1 Sam 15:22) and a broken and contrite spirit He will not despise. 

"My sacrifice, O God, is a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart you, God, will not despise. Psalm 51:17

Jesus was a man of sorrows and acquainted with grief.

Keith Green wrote a song "Asleep in the Light"

"Oh, bless me Lord, bless me Lord
You know, it's all I ever hear
No one aches, no one hurts, no one even sheds one tear
But He cries, He weeps, He bleeds
And He cares for your needs
And you just lay back and keep soaking it in
Oh, can't ya see it's such sin?"

In stead of trying to bless God in the way I WANT TO bless Him...I must bless the LORD according to His love language. 

We must decide to bless God by loving Jesus, seeking Jesus, clinging to Jesus, being ambassadors for Jesus, living like Jesus, praying to Jesus, and abiding in Jesus. 

Remember Mary and Martha?

Where was Mary? Sitting at Jesus' feet.

Martha was busy serving and neglected to sit at His feet. 

Jesus was RIGHT THERE in front of her...and she missed an opportunity to get to know Him better. 

Martha would say "I'm just trying to bless you Jesus."

I am trying to bless you with the best meal in town. I am trying to bless you with all of my gifts. I want to bless you with this meal. I want to bless you with my service. 

Somewhere along the line...she missed that Jesus wanted "her" not her services. 

Oh how we need to get this my friends!

Don't forget Jesus as you serve Jesus.

Don't forget to bless the LORD as you are striving to bless Him with your day to day tasks.

Get to know God's love language.

One day Jesus may want you to sit.

Another day Jesus may want you to step out of your comfort zone and serve. 

Lord help us bless you in the way that you desire! 

The Church Machine

 Did you hear the headlines?

Another one fell...

Oh how the valiant have fallen.

Did you hear? (so and so left the church....)

Did you know? (so and so is living with his girlfriend...Tsk Tsk...His parents had such a strong walk with Jesus too.)

Did you hear? Megachurch so and so has (insert big name) speaking at that church! We should go!

What are you doing on Sunday?

Well after church service, I serve, then after that I have a church meeting....

Has the church become a machine?

A business venture? 

A club of "do-good-ers?"

Oh Father! Please no!!!!!!!

I confess I have not heard a message in a long time talking about the very important topic of repentance. 

"Create in me a clean heart oh God and renew a right spirit in me" Psalm 51

I feel like Social Media has both blessed the church and HURT the church in various ways. 

For one, many people watch a 2 minute devotional video and they falsely tell themselves:

"That was my devotion for the day"

Although I love catching little sermonettes or sound bites from social media...this is NOT intimacy with God...

True intimacy with God comes from bearing your soul before your Creator, being still in His presence, reading the Bible, line by line and then spending time in prayer. (Jeremiah 15:16, Psalm 46:10, 1 Kings 19:12)

Like Jon Courson used to say "Read your Bible and pray" every single day. (Psalm 63:1-8)

The other day I was praying and I thought of this term 

"church machine"

Have we become part of the church machine?

Instead of an organic body of Christ have we become robotic and mechanic like terminator? Have we forgotten that Jesus (not Arnold) is the first one that said "I'll be back?"

I don't want to be a part of the church machine. 

I desire to be a part of the body of Christ. 

I want to be open to the Holy Spirit's leading...however that looks and wherever that may be. 

I remember one time I had a rough morning. 

I had gotten in a HUGE argument with Chuck on a Saturday night and then now on Sunday morning I was crying, weeping, lifting my hands in surrender and truly repenting. 

A friend pulled me aside and said "Hey are you ok?"

I was thinking about this the other day.

Are we truly aware of the fact that others around us are hurting?

Do we dare put ourselves out there and ask "Are you ok?"

As part of the church machine....we do not do this enough. 

We need to be real, raw, vulnerable and obedient to the Holy Spirit. It took a lot of courage for that friend to ask me if I was ok. I do not weep that much and she noticed. 

What a blessing and gift. 

Do we slow down enough to notice?

Are we missing out on ministering to God and hearing from God while we do ministry?

I think we are. 

You see...when you read the book of Acts....service to the LORD and others happened everywhere. On the streets, on the way to prayer meetings, during 1:1 prayer time, in corporate prayer time, and it looked different from day to day. This is the venture of faith and excitement I believe we are missing. 

We are so used to how church "should look" and operate that we forget about the Holy Spirit. 

Dr. Timothy Keller said in a sermon the other day hyper spiritual Christians go off "emotional highs" and hyper Bible teaching churches thrive off of "intellectual highs." God wants us to use both- our minds and our hearts. We need both. 

We need the Holy Spirit to ignite us. We need God's Word to ground us. We need both.

My fear is that living in America....we have become soft and weak in our sensitivity to the Holy Spirit. 

When I was young, I did not like scary movies. One of my older cousins said "Just watch it and remind yourself 'this is fake' The blood is fake. The person did not really get killed. it's not real" 

You get de-sensitized and you can watch the movie without fear. 

*(I still don't like scary movies!)

Have we in America lost the fear of God? Have we lost the sensitivity to sin? To the Holy Spirit's prompting?

Have we become a church machine where we go to church, read our Bibles a bit, cry and bit, go home and stay unmoved that there are SO many non-believers dying without Jesus?

This whole Covid pandemic should be making us different! 

We need to be different!

We need to be vibrant, caring, loving God-fearing compassionate people. 

I do not know about you but I am so tired of hearing about masks and vaccines. I am NOT tired of hearing about the Gospel. 

How do you dismantle a machine?

You self evaluate. You individually and corporately confess sin... 

You take it apart piece by piece and try to find out where the power source is. 

The power has always been Jesus. 

Advancing His kingdom....(not a specific church, a specific event, or a specific agenda)

It's always been Jesus. (Acts 4:12)

We need help!

Houston we have a problem. 
We have allowed complacency, routine, and apathy creep into the church and now we have a church machine. 

Please LORD Jesus give us hearts that break for what breaks yours. 

In Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis, he talks about faith and "faith moods."

He writes: "The first step is to reognise the fact that your moods change. The next is to make sure that, if you have once accepted Christianity, then some of its main doctrines shall be deliberately held before your mind for some time every day. That is why daily prayers and religious readings and churchgoings are necessary parts of the Christian life. We have to be continually reminded of what we believe. Neither this belief no any other will automatically remain alive in the mind. It must be fed. And as a matter of fact, if you examined a hundred people who had lost their faith in Christianity, I wonder how many of them would turn out to have been reasoned out of it by honest argument? Do not most people simply drift away?" 

Revive us again dear God! We need fresh wind and fresh fire and a hunger and thirst for righteousness!

Holy Spirit please send ONE MORE revival!

Rest/Respite/A Break

 Do you want a “break” before you break down?

I sure do.

We all need rest…

I didn’t even know what the word “respite” meant…

I literally had to look it up in the dictionary…

2 Kings 14:26

For the LORD saw the affliction of Israel which was very bitter for there was neither bond nor free nor was there any helper for Israel. 

God is our help.

He Himself is our break- our rest- our Sabbath. 

The problem is we often do not know what we need when we need it.

We cry out to others.

We go to food.

We watch TV.

We try to numb ourselves and binge on social media or something anything to give us a mental break.

We might even go on a walk or take a hot bath.

But true rest...true inner peace (true Shalom) comes from Christ. 

Rest is a person=Jesus. 

LORD our world has been unraveling for some time. 

2020 was insane...

2021 is even more intense...

So much death...so much pain...

LORD give us a break...

We need you. 

We need you Abba Father to help us. We need a break. We need you to hold our hearts in your hand and say "it's going to be OK"

LORD thank you for the hope of heaven. Thank you for the promise of heaven.

Thank you for the promise that if we come to you when we are weak and heavy laden you will provide rest. You provide rest for our minds. Our thoughts can be so scattered LORD. We have a hard time praying, focusing. We get intimated by all of the "what ifs" or maybes or is God even near me anymore? We fear the future. 

COVID has caused us all to truly question our days and our very existence. 

Friends have died LORD. Some have been saved. Others refused to repent...that is what scares us the most. 

LORD Jesus give us the grace to trust you every single day. Our world is not normal anymore. But Jesus, was it every normal? You have always encouraged us to rest in you...so LORD we pray it again. We need rest. We need you to cleanse us of all our old creature comforts....May we feel comfortable and rested only in your arms AFTER we have drank of the Living Water of your Word.
Jesus thank you for rest and for the break you give us. One day we will be in your presence with new bodies and we will truly be able to be still and know you are God. 

In Jesus' Matchless Name, 

Amen

The Great I AM

He’s better than celebrating Christmas, HE IS Christmas.

He’s better than attending a birthday party, HE IS the life giver. 

He’s better than going on a vacation, HE IS the vacation.

He is EGO EIMI- I AM.

He’s better than star gazing, He created them and calls them each by name. 

He’s better than a dream materialized, HE IS the dream.

He’s better than the answered prayer, HE IS the fulfillment of all things, not one desire, but all dreams. 

He’s better than when the light bulb goes off in our mind, HE IS the light of the world. 

He’s better than a room full of friends, HE IS the friend that sticks closer than brother. 

He’s better than any expert doctor, HE IS himself the medicine, surgeon and cure. 

Honey- God's Sweet Nectar

I love God's Word. It is a lamp to me and a light to me as Psalm 119 says.

However, I did not always go to the Word to get my instructions for the day.

I went to me myself and I.

What do I want to do? Where do I want to go? What food should I eat? Me me me.

Over the course of this Christian journey I have learned through daily discipline the NECESSITY of reading God's Word EVERY SINGLE DAY.

Would you go one day without a meal?

No.

(well unless you are fasting but that's not what I am implying here)

In general, we eat 3 meals a day, plus some snacks. 

I have been meditating on God's Word and trying to be more intentional of letting it "get into me."

We can read and then get nothing out of it. We can say- what did I just read?

We have all been there. 

But we need to be disciplined to read.

My husband takes blood pressure meds and I daily remind him to take it. 

We all need daily reminders! It is critical to take our medications, drink water, eat food, etc.

Well duh you might be thinking...

But what about treats?

Ice cream, brownies, cookies, scones, doughnuts, mydelight cupcakes....

Oh the joy of eating THESE type of foods. We don't even need reminders to eat these because we want to.

I have been really enjoying reading through the Gospel of John. It is in my one year Bible reading. 

I am so thankful for this time and this season, God plants me RIGHT where I need to be in the Gospel of John. 

I need Jesus. 

Yes the Old Testament is fabulous and I read through those books...but Jesus.

There is just something about that Name.

There is a favorite old song that we used to sing at church:

Jesus Jesus Jesus Holy and Anointed One

Jesus

Your Name is like honey on my lips

Your Spirit like water to my soul

Your Word is a lamp unto my feet

Jesus I love you

I love you

Today I was walking with Isaac and my Spirit was refreshed after just reading John 15 in the morning before the day escaped me.

I said in my spirit "LORD You are like Honey"

There are many verses in the Word that mention honey

"Pleasant words are like a honeycomb, sweetness to the soul and health to the bones" Proverbs 16:24

 "How sweet are your words to my taste, sweeter than honey to my mouth!" Psalm 119:103

God's Word is like honey the psalmist writes...but when we are in pain...we often run from God instead of running to His Word.

I love this word picture because I love sweets. I actually prefer dessert over dinner. 

But Honey doesn't just "come" alive out of no where. 

What is nectar?

nectar: noun, A sugary fluid secreted by plants especially within flowers to encourage pollination by insects and other animals. It is collected by bees to make honey.

The bees collect the nectar and then they make honey.

Wow LORD you are speaking!

We are like the bee. We must GO TO the plant (God's Word) to gather the nectar (the sugary fluid) and meditate on it, take it with us whereever we go and keep doing it over and over and over again and then low and behold- God's Word turns into honey in our lives!

What a blessing!

I read a book recently where the author endured intense chronic pain and years of suffering. 

She said "read the Bible even when it tastes like cardboard"

My encouragement to you is STICK WITH IT.

It's summer and many people fall off their reading plan and devotional time because of vacations and other things....

I remember one time Jeanette Walls said "What started as duty, ended up becoming a delight"

What she means is....when you read the Word, you might feel distracted, sleepy, unengaged bored, or down right uninterested. 

STICK WITH IT. 

Make a decision to read the Word every day and if possible twice a day.

Also, don't compare yourself with others. If your spouse or friend or relative reads and has 3 hour devotions...that's awesome. 

If you are a busy mom and can only read for 15-20 minutes that is glorious and God will use the Word you implant in yourself to bear much fruit.

His Word really is alive and active. 

We need the Holy Spirit. 

If the Bible was a car, the Holy Spirit is the spark plug. It is so important to ask God to open your eyes and heart to what He is saying. 

Lastly, pray the Word. Open a psalm and pray God's Word back to Him. Or whatever you just read, turn it into a prayer. If you read John 15 like I did this morning, thank God for being the vine and for allowing you to be a branch. Give Him permission to prune away dead branches, ungodly thoughts, fleshly attitudes and dead activities that are not bearing fruit but actually hindering your growth,. 

His Word is like honey.

Jesus-His name is like honey.

Read God's Word, even if it feels like duty, trust me, it will turn into a delight! 

My friend Daniel

 My friend Daniel

Isaac and I go to a park every day.

It’s in Upland.

Sometimes we venture to a different one in Ontario or Chino... or Bonelli...but the default park is in Upland. 

We go every day.

Even when it rains, even on days he has school, and even on Sundays and holidays.

Part of autism includes a comfort in routine...

When we can’t go to the park it really bothers him...

There is another mom I see often with a son (on his scooter) and she walks her black lab.

The son’s name is Daniel.

He is the only person for over a year who has ever paused to talk and get to know me.

He is also on the spectrum.    

He noticed Isaac and asked if Isaac had autism- I said “Yes” and he said “me too”

I saw him on this last Friday.

Daniel loves trains.

He volunteers at a train museum and knows everything about trains.

I mentioned I visited Colorado once and he said, “Oh you must have seen logging trains”

He knows tons of facts and the history of trains and their evolution.

On Friday we spoke again.

We talked about birthdays.

I explained to him that Isaac has an obsession with birthdays.  

I said “Hey Daniel, you know how you like trains? That’s how Isaac feels about birthdays. He likes everything about birthdays. The cake, presents, pizza, piñata, balloons, decorations- All of it”

He said “oh yeah! That’s the good stuff!”

It was so refreshing that Daniel didn’t think it was weird Isaac obsesses over birthdays just like I don’t think it’s weird he loves trains. I get it.

Then he shared how he recently stayed near Yosemite National Park for a birthday celebration.  His birthday is May 31.

I asked if he went into the National Park

 (I LOVE Yosemite!!) . 

He replied “No, you have to have a reservation. We stayed outside -near the park -where the railways are”

Catch that?

Daniel is much more interested in trains near Yosemite than the park itself. AMAZING! 

This is similar to Isaac who loves the package of a present- the bow- the paper- or the tissue paper & bag- than the actual gift (most times) 

God knew I needed to meet Daniel. 

He is able to articulate and communicate well but I gather he probably does not have many friends.

Kids/teens/ and adults with autism often appear to have one track minds- one interest- and sadly, that tends to irk or annoy people.

God has been reminding me that Isaac does not annoy Him. 

In fact, God loves birthdates and celebrations too.  He created them! 

God loves to listen to Daniel explain to strangers like me all about trains- God made his mind and gave Daniel a great ability to communicate.

I pray we can look beyond the oddness of people, or the strangeness of others or the quirky behaviors of those on the spectrum.    

For when you enter the world of others (and allow them to enter yours) you’ll find you’ve made a friend.  

Steel Magnolias/Fragile Magnolias

 I have been reading this amazing book "The Scars that Shaped Me" by Vaneetha Rendall Risner that has helped me reshape suffering, pain, trials and grief. I am learning like her subtitle states "How God Meets Us in Suffering."

I am one of those people who listens to a lot of tragic stories. As an intercessor but also as a family law (divorce) attorney I have heard more horrible stories than I wish to admit. 

Life is hard, but God is good (as Louie Giglio says)

Life is indeed incredibly hard. And Yes, God is indeed supernaturally amazingly incredibly good. 

Suffering is real.

We do not need to down play it or soften it...

I was telling Olivia the other day that I am not going to stuff down my emotions and "fake it." If I am sad, I am going to let myself be sad. If I need to cry, I will cry and ask Jesus to hold my tears in a bottle. 

Think about it....there is a whole book in the Bible called "Lamentations" to lament is to be normal and human. To have a picture perfect instagram worthy life is to be named "Barbie" or "Ken" to be plastic, and phony.

I do not want to be phony. I want to be real and authentic and if I am sad I need to lament and let it out. 

We must express our feelings or we will explode. 

Like Andy Mineo said "If you bury your emotions you bury them alive" They will come back to you and it won't be pretty.

In Vaneetha's book she shares something that was so profound and true I felt the need to write about it and say "Yes!" I agree. 

Vaneetha had an infant son named Paul who died.  She talks about it and how she begged God to heal her son and the pain of watching a tiny coffin being lowered into the earth. 

Later in her book she discusses how another author Joe Bayly wrote about the type of comfort he received when he tragically experienced burying a son. 

He writes: 

"I was sitting torn by grief. Someone came and talked to me of God's dealings, of why it happened of hope beyond the grave. He talked constantly he said things I knew were true. I was unmoved, except to wish he'd go away. He finally did.

Another came and sat beside me. He didn't talk. He didn't ask leading questions. He just sat beside me for an hour or more, listened when I said something, answered briefly, prayed simply, left. I was moved. I was comforted. I hated to see him go."

Sometimes words DO NOT bring comfort. Just simply being there does...

Vaneetha writes how Jesus was alone in His suffering. 

She explains: "Jesus didn't want to be alone in His suffering. He wanted human companionship. Jesus didn't ask his disciples to accompany Him when He was communing with His Father. He often arose early in the morning to be with God by Himself. But we see that in His hour of desperation, when He was facing unspeakable agony, He asked His friends to be with Him" (See Mark 14:32-34)

"Sit here while I pray" and took with Him Peter and James and John and began to be greatly distressed and troubled. (Mark 14:32)

Vaneetha describes the troubled and awkward looks people give when you are suffering and they do not know what to say.

Suddenly my mind flashed back to watching the epic scene in Steel Magnolias. Strong mother "M'Lynn" played by Sally Field breaks down in her grief after her daughter "Shelby" passes away of kidney failure related to her type 1 diabetes.  

Who can forget iconic scene?  

The funeral is over and M'Lynn is quiet and stern. Then she starts weeping and explains that it isn't supposed to happen this way "I am supposed to die first!" she screams. 

The friends are just staring at her not quite knowing what to say or do.

The beauty of this scene and the beauty of having community in our time of suffering is to just simply "be there." 

This is one of the greatest tragedies of COVID. 2020 has been brutal. So many people passed away and because of the COVID rules husbands, wives, children, grandkids, friends, pastors, loved ones, could not "be there" to sit with them, stroke their hands, worship, cry and just be next to the person in need. 

Satan is a thief (John 10:10)

I never knew this...but recently learned that the movie Steel Magnolias is based upon Robert Harling's real life experience of the death of his sister Susan Harling Robinson in 1985 of complications of Type 1 diabetes. 

Wikipedia says about the film "The title suggests the main female characters can be both as delicate as the magnolia flower and as tough as steel."

I disagree. Strength can actually be a liability.

2 Corinthians 12:9 says "And He said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities that the power of Christ may rest upon me" 

I have been quoted this verse so many times. I have read it out loud. I have it memorized. I wrote it out on my chalkboard in my kitchen to read over and over for months.

Yet still... I do not like my weakness. I rarely boast in my weaknesses.

I hate being fragile.

I wish I could be strong like Sally Fields character "M'Lynn" in the film. 

I am as fragile as they come.

Physically fragile-petite and my emotions are often raw, unfiltered and once the tears flow, it's hard to stop.

"You are so strong Laura. God won't give you something you can't handle" I have heard this before; It's not true. 

God in His infinite wisdom DOES give us things that are too much we can't handle, so we recognize He does the heavy lifting. GRACE GRACE GRACE

He does it, I cannot take any credit. It's Christ's endless supply of grace that can make me "perceived" as a steel magnolia, really I feel like a withered flower after mother's day.

We must all choose to be like the friends in Steel Magnolias. Cry with others. Rub his/her shoulder. Listen and pray when the time is right. We don't need the right words.

We need God's Word. They are eternal and He always knows what to say. 

The LORD will supply His Words in His timing. 

I love something Vaneetha shared in her book that I found so true when Isaac had the hospital stays due to his unexplained seizures and unexplained cyst on his brain.  

She said (paraphrase) read your Bible. Pray. Read your Bible even when it feels like you are chewing on cardboard. Pray even when you feel like you are talking to a wall.

I cannot tell you how refreshing her transparency was to me.

You see-I love reading the Word. But it's kind of hard to read when your eyes are filled with tears, there is a lump in your throat, and your child is met with doctors scratching their heads with more questions than answers. I love to pray. But it's hard to pray when you feel like God gives you a "no" each time.

We all love and explode when God says "Yes" but we cringe at His answer to our prayers that are"No" or "not yet" or "wait."

I know from an artist's point of view the title "Steel Magnolias" sounds great. Inner strength, but fragile beauty...

The reality is for me, I am a fragile magnolia. It is JESUS my Rock who provides the inner strength for me to get through each day.

I do not know who needs to read this.

Maybe you are still suffering and mourning, missing your loved one who passed from COVID, or a tragic car accident, or died suddenly, or died slowly....or you know of someone recently diagnosed with cancer, or you are experiencing something so life altering that it feels like a dark night of the soul- HOLD FAST. Jesus is coming soon.

We must hold on unwavering to Jesus the anchor of our hope and the refuge from the storm.

I am so thankful for the presence of Jesus. He is there. He sees everything. Trials are not always "accidents." Some valleys in life are there to reveal all of our weaknesses so we can depend on God more every day.  He is the One who is Steel. 

The Struggle is Real- Letting your Kids Struggle

 I normally do not feel led to write about parenting...

(Unless it's about how hard it is to raise a special needs child)

However, in reading in 2 Samuel, I noticed something new.

We all have tremendous respect for King David.

The youngest of many brothers... (1 Samuel 17:14)

He was probably bullied by them and was given the stinky task of caring for the sheep, alone...again, and again. (1 Samuel 17:15)

He did not complain...He found peace in the wilderness....there was no sibling rivalry. Just quiet. (Psalm 4:8)

He enjoyed stars at night, work during the day and the enjoyment of God in solitude. (Psalm 8:1-4)

The night watches must have deeply inspired him as he wrote so many Psalms and reflections on how amazing our Creator God is.

He writes about the LORD being our Shepherd. (Psalm 23)

He was an emotional man, but also a warrior. (Psalm 18, Psalm 144:1-2)

He wrestled the lion and the bear and probably other crazy predators that wanted to eat his sheep. (1 Sam 17:34-36)

He later kills Goliath. (1 Samuel 17) He was anointed King, but had to wait many years until Saul's kingdom ended. 

He runs from Saul and so on....

David is an amazing man.

Then enters Bathsheba and you know the story...

However, the prophet Nathan warns him that there would always be strife in his own home. (2 Sam 12:10)

The struggle is real.

Many times the hardest battles we face are in the home ...in the precious faces of our own kids.

Absalom hates Amnon. Amnon lusts after his half sister.

Amnon rapes Tamar (his half sister) Absalom can't wait to kill his brother Amnon. (2 Sam chapters 13-14)

Talk about dysfunction!

David (dad-David, warrior-David, King-David) does nothing. 

He mourns, but he never disciplines.

Absalom goes out of the scene for 3 years hiding away...

Absalom comes back and starts wooing the hearts of the people and tries to take the throne from King David.

Again, the struggle is real.

Of course we will never know what it is like to have a son try to take our crown, but we do know what it is like to be deeply disappointed in the conduct and choices of our children.

Yesterday as I was reading 2 Samuel, it dawned on me- Absalom had something David never did- privilege. Absalom never struggled and perhaps became spoiled and entitled. 

David struggled. Absalom did not.

David wrestled with God in prayer and spent time alone in the wilderness tending the sheep. In contrast Absalom, perhaps was a handsome, attractive, all American Division I athlete, perfect on his SAT score, private school attending "life has been good to me" son. 

(*OK I am exaggerating...but you get the idea.)

David struggled and turned to God. Absalom did not.

Remember when David was running from Saul? It was unfair. David did nothing wrong. In fact, David was one of Saul's best warriors. He conquered Goliath and defeated many enemies for Saul and the empire. 

Saul hated David and became jealous of him. However, as you read the Psalms, many times it will say in the heading "written by David when he was running from Saul" basically the sweetest prayers we read and love were written during David's darkest nights. 

He struggled. 

Absalom's biggest struggle was to eat his sandwich on wheat or white bread or whether to date the prom queen or homecoming queen. 

I started thinking about Absalom's childhood. 

He had everything. 

Having many privileges does not automatically make one a spoiled brat....but in Absalom's case, I believe he resented his dad-King David. 

Absalom's lack of discipline ultimately became his down fall. 

Absalom had it all (spoiled like Veruca Salt in Willy Wonka) but he was not the king. 
The drama with Amnon and Tamar gave him a "cause" or passion to go after....He started to hate his brother and wanted to kill him. Absalom also despised his dad for failing to discipline Amnon for the rape of Tamar. 

Dr. Charles Stanley writes: 

"The term resistance movement describes situations in which oppressed people rise against oppressors. Resistance fighters take the stance 'I'm not going to stand idly by and allow this evil to continue. I choose to resist the wrongs. Whether I live or die in resisting my oppressor, I will no longer live as I have been.

Resistance in prayer is the biblical approach to confronting and overcoming the devil"

We never once read that Absalom retreated to pray about his beef with his dad. He never prayed about what to do when Amnon raped Tamar. 

He did not turn to God for help. He instead, turned to anger and hatred. 

He used anger and hatred to give him a passion for life. 

His life of prestige finally had meaning (a sad twisted meaning) 

My prayer is that we would let our kids struggle a bit...

Yes we want to give our kids the very best, but in giving them everything they want, are we shielding them from the gift of endurance, the gift of learning a hard lesson through experience, the gift of depending on God in prayer NOT mom and dad to bail them out?

Just think about it...

Pray about it...

We must pray before we act and discipline our kids. There is a time for struggle and a time for grace. There is a time to be firm and a time to be lenient...

LORD please help us as parents trust in You and lean not on our own understanding. 

We learn so much from Absalom's failures. His heart turned evil, even though his earthly father was known as a man after God's own heart. Something went wrong. Did Absalom become super shielded and was he never taught how to struggle in prayer? Help us have a balance LORD as we raise these kids for You.

The Poop Ministry

Imagine.... you are sitting in church...

A very pleasant gentleman walks up to the podium.

You know....It's time for announcements.

"There are servants needed." He says with a smile. "Please kindly pray and review the list of needs and sign up!"

You see the lists on the screen.

"Audio Visual Ministry"

"Women's Ministry"

"Children's Ministry"

"Missions/Outreach Ministry"

"Ministry to Muslims"

and then finally.... 

"The Poop Ministry"

Now you might be thinking...What? 

I have read a lot of blogs. I have attended church all my life. I have heard of "The Poop Ministry"

Exactly.

I am not talking about septic tanks or doggy bags or even changing cute little infant diapers.

I am talking about caregiving. 

As a special needs mom, I have shed many many tears over poop, potty training, potty accidents and the challenges that come with a child who does not know how to "wipe."

It is hard. 

So so hard. 

I recall one time cleaning Isaac giving him a bath and weeping.

"Why God!? Why is this so hard? Why can't he go to the bathroom on his own? What are you teaching me? What do you want me to learn from this?"

Of course there are the easy answers- patience, compassion, self-less love. 

Those are things that people are supposed to say. 

If you do have a special needs child or the responsibility of caregiving or you are a nurse and you regularly need to "change" adult diapers....you may not say that.

Poop stinks- it's dirty- it's messy- it's unpleasant...but like the Nike slogan- "You just do it."

The reality is life is messy. 

Here on earth there is poop ministry and in one way or another we are all called to it. 

Now all of our individual challenges in life are not the same as changing adult diapers or helping Isaac when he has an accident.... but is there really anything that we can say no to when God asks us to serve others?

Serving others can be unpleasant, it can be foul, it can be stinky and it can be hard to handle... we can't do it in our own.

We need the Holy Spirit.

Jesus loves when we serve others. 

Remember when The LORD Jesus instructed Peter to "Feed my sheep." John 21:17

"Now that I your LORD and Teacher have washed your feet, you also should wash one another's feet" John 13:14

In fact God deliberately gave us all unique and individual talents and gifts for a reason...We are equipped to serve, but it will not always look pretty. (See Eph 2:10; 1 Corinthians 12)

God gives us His Holy Spirit to enable us to serve Him as He sees fit, not as we see fit. 

This gal I follow on Instagram @stopandconsider recently posted something that hit the nail on the head:

"...we can face whatever task at hand, however mundane and obscure it may be with joy. Joy in knowing we were predestined by the love of the Father, to be adopted through the sacrifice of the Son, and given new life through the power of the Holy Spirit"

...however mundane...

....however obscure...

even cleaning poop...

I don't mean to be gross and I pray you see beyond the literal issue of caregiving the potty needs of children with autism, adults with disabilities or even those who can't care for themselves ...

The point is we are not always called to do things that we like and some acts of service we may be uncomfortable with. 

We are called to love and serve nonetheless. 

May we truly realize that all tasks if done unto the LORD matter. (see Col. 3:23)

Washing dishes matters.

Making meals matters.

Serving someone who wronged you years ago...that matters.

Praying for your enemies matters.

Changing diapers matters.

Helping people with special needs matters.

Writing a thank you note to someone matters.

Not all ministry is flashy and not all ministry has a "name" in the bulletin at church but all things done in love will be rewarded no matter how unseen you may feel...El Roi sees and that matters most. 

Not that cute anymore...

Today is Jan 1, 2021. 

New Year's Day.

Most people make resolutions, sleep in, watch the Rose Parade or a Football game....

Many of use desire to read God's Word, maybe we open up a brand new One Year Bible reading plan and Read Genesis 1:1, Psalm 1 and Matt 1. 

Fresh year, fresh start and new beginnings....

For me, Jan 1 is always bitter sweet. I love the crisp morning air. I love thinking about all the good things God has in store for the New Year to come...

However, the "bitter" part of New Year's Day for me personally is that the following day (Jan. 2) is Isaac's birthday.

Isaac is a gift from the LORD. 

He has special needs-he has autism and he is unique, quirky, different, hard to raise, somewhat-verbal, and challenged in so many ways...

I ask God to remind me of that precious verse Jeremiah 29:11 that God's thoughts toward Isaac are good and not evil to give him a future and a hope. John 10:10 says God wants to give us an abundant life- a satisfying life- a life FULL of all the goodness of God. 

I am thankful to the LORD for entrusting me with the privilege and oh so crazy hard challenge of raising Isaac.

Every year when his birthday comes around I am reminded of his birth.

Born at 12:29am. He was born a little over the New Year's day mark. I thought it would be so cool to have a child born on Jan 1. He was born on his grandma Natalie's birthday- kinda cool- they share the date.

As he turned 1, then 2, he was so energetic, smiley, joy-filled and very very BOY through and through.

He would get in to everything. Climb up everything. He walked quickly...I believe he started walking around 10 months.

I was thrilled to have a boy. I have nieces and was so excited about celebrating "boy things." Trucks, cars, skateboarding, lizards bugs, etc. 

When he was 2 we noticed  he wasn't making eye contact and also did not answer to his name.

He wasn't talking.

Then at 3.5 they said "autism."

You know the story....

Now, TOMORROW he turns 13 and it's hard...

Autism parents are funny. We can be honest with each other and talk about the tough stuff, the ugly stuff, the things that are definitely not instagram worthy...things like special needs doctors, seizures, puberty, IEP meetings, mean people, food aversions, break throughs, potty training, social anxiety, sensory overloads and the every so common problem of "melt downs."

I was speaking with a fellow autism mom a couple of years ago and I shared my fears of Isaac transitioning into Junior High or Middle School. Now, because Isaac would be in a special day class, he would be in a special autism program however, kids are kids and I was so afraid of bullies. I was afraid of a lot of things....we talked and shared. 

When your child with autism is smaller/younger...they are cute and sweet and just "a little quirky" to the unknowing stranger whether adult or child. 

However my friend said something that both stunned me and stood with me...

She said "It's harder now because you know...they are just not that cute anymore."

Ugh.

That comment cut to my heart.

Junior high schoolers/tweens and teens are not that cute. 

These kids have acne, weird hair cuts, funny teeth, their voices changes (for boys) they act immature or try to act "cool" and act older even though they still want to play and act like well "kids."

For any kid developing into the tween and teen years- they really aren't cute any more. 

Of course I say this tongue in cheek because every mom thinks his/her child is the most beautiful child on earth. 

I do really think this! I stare at Olivia all the time and tell her how beautiful she is to which I get the teen "eye roll" from her as a response.

I stare at Isaac and tell him he is handsome and say "I love you. Remember 'Jesus loves me'" and he responds "So much"

To the world...the special needs tween or teen is not that cute....

I hear these words in my mind often...

If he touches someone or tries to give a fist bump or high five, a lot of people look at him strange like "why are you trying to interact with me?" In contrast, if someone tells him "Good morning!" and he does not respond you may get the "how rude" look....

Also, there are teen friends and teen kids you see out in the community...These kids look at Isaac and I can read it all over their face "What's wrong with him?" I almost wish they would just ask me rather than stare.

Some people are super sweet- former special education teachers- aides or just random people that have big hearts for special needs kids/adults...they try to engage Isaac and talk to him at his level. I do not mean in a condescending way...but just in a special, compassionate and kind way...

I hold my breathe. 

I pray often.

I am ready for the teen years.

Several dear fellow autism moms warned me - the teen years are awful.

You have puberty, body changes, mood changes, testosterone surge for boys, and all of the other things that come with "growing up."

Isaac has autism and I have accepted him as he is. Sometimes...I wish he would stay little. Yes he is delayed...but delayed and "not that cute" is just too much for a mom to handle. 

So here we go...Isaac turns 13 tomorrow!

We are ready for you teen years. 

We will continue to challenge you Isaac. 

We will continue to be mindful of your sensory overload tendencies, your OCD, your need for routine to reduce anxiety, your quirks, your likes and dislikes and also we will understand....you are changing. You are maturing. You are developing in your physical body and your palette for things may change too. 

We do not know what is going on inside of you...mostly because you can't tell us.

That is the hardest part.

I have gone into Olivia's room (she's almost 15 now) and she is crying....

Why are you crying? 

I don't know mom, I am just upset. Too much homework, and my friend and I got into an argument and I just want to be alone.

She might answer something like this, or not...but I think to myself "I get it. She is a teen girl. She is going through puberty and her emotions are everywhere"

But with Isaac...it's different. 

He cannot confess when something is wrong. We have to guess. 

This is where our faith comes in.

James 1:5 is a fabulous go to verse for me in raising Isaac. 

"If any of you lacks wisdom- ASK and I will give it to you"

God is not hiding. 

Isaac is not the world's only special needs child.

God is a perfect parent and He willingly offers His hand to me. 

God is Isaac's potter. 

God will direct us how to raise him and navigate the scary waters of him growing into being an autistic teen. (He is still a child of God first!)

And even if people say "he is not that cute anymore" Olivia and Chuck have this joke that her friends will think he is a good looking young man- They aren't wrong!