What to Expect

Remember that very popular book “what to expect when you’re expecting” ? 

It had a photo of a woman wearing a 80s pilgrim style “mumu” on a rocking chair on the cover and she was very very pregnant.

As I spent the night at CHOC hospital in Orange County I saw a lot of babies being treated for various reasons...

It dawned on me NO ONE really knows what to expect after you have a child..

You may expect to have a girl, and SURPRISE it’s a boy.

You may expect to have a smooth uneventful labor and SURPRISE you are in labor for many hours and the child is rushed to the Neonatal intensive care unit.

Or like me, you may have expected to have a son follow in his dad’s footsteps and ride a skateboard.... 

SURPRISE- autism.

Fast forward to 2020- SURPRISE seizures, a cyst and outpatient brain surgery.

NEVER expected that. 

None of it.

Life’s a faith walk not a cake walk.

We are wise to NOT have expectations.

We can dream big and of course as human beings we can have desires in our hearts ...but we have to remember that God is the ultimate One that gives us our blessings. He gives us His portioned out strength to allow the trials and tests that will come to us too...

Think of Manoah.

Not Noah. 

Ma-noah.

He was Samson’s dad. 

He had dreams. He had visions. He had expectations. He knew that God had a special plan for Samson. But he never imagined there would be a woman named Delilah or a day when Samson would have his eyes gouged out and be tortured (blinded) or that Samson would ultimately die in the act of killing the enemy...

Think of Mary.

Mary might have imagined having three kids...Perhaps boys -carpenters like their father. 

Her and Joseph were young so they would wait a few years before having children. 

She would never be expecting to carry Jesus in her womb before the actual wedding night and her love was consummated with her husband.

Or Joseph (Old Testament)

His dad always told him he was special.

He certainly felt special a “love child” conceived out of a special bond his mom and dad shared.

He had dreams... 

Joseph had literal dreams...

He would dream and the dreams would happen!

But Joseph never expected the dreams would be the very thing that made his brothers hate and resent him...

Think of Paul. 

Paul had expectations. 

He was a miracle!

He was miraculously saved and changed from Saul to Paul.

Everybody would love and appreciate his teaching -he may have thought...

SURPRISE.

He was ridiculed put in jail beaten and endured innumerable hardships... 

The Jews didn’t like him and the Gentiles thought he was weird but he would not let go of the calling Jesus put on his heart. Even though at every turn Paul experienced hardships ... he never wavered....  he kept his laser focus on Jesus the One he saw on the Damascus Road... the One who told him he would suffer for the Name. 

I have a girlfriend who said she wanted nothing more than to have a bunch of kids right away... she married her high school sweetheart and later found out she couldn’t have children of her own.

I know a mother who raised two children in the ways of the Lord only to have one child go away wayward and be addicted to drugs... 

I know many special-needs parents that didn’t even know what Autism was or how to navigate raising a child with Autism... These families had many expectations tossed to the sea but yet they held on with both hands to their anchor -  Jesus...

I know another woman who waited and waited for the right man. God brought him into her life and after 18 months of marriage he tragically died in a car accident and on top of that -she’s pregnant and now a widow at the same time...

SURPRISE

All of these examples are not to cast blame on God or make him appear  cruel...

God is kind, merciful generous forgiving loving and He is never anxious and His compassions fail not...

All of this is to reflect and remind you and serve as a reminder to myself that -

- we can’t really expect anything in this life.

Life is precious and fragile. 

Motherhood is a gift. 

Marriage is a gift. 

Knowing Jesus is the greatest gift. 

But life is messy and living life for Jesus can be costly because we truly yield and surrender all of our dreams all of our desires all of our expectations to Him. We can say “I don’t know what tomorrow holds but I know WHO holds tomorrow”

We have to focus on the Who of life...

Life not about your comfort.

 Life is about worshiping God and yielding to God and surrendering to God and trusting God. 

When our human expectations are crushed we have hope because we know that God is up to something good. 

Romans 8:28 is not a cliché it is TRUTH. Just look at the baby in the manger as we prepare to celebrate Christmas and remember Mary had dreams too. She was a virgin she was precious and holy and living a life set apart for God... and people looked at her all of her life like she was unclean. Can you imagine? 

May we reflect on our dreams....and expectations.

May we look at our dreams as a rough draft. God has the final draft and the final say and it will be beautiful and it will be beyond anything we could’ve designed in our own mind... 

 

Knot In my hair

I don’t typically have knots in my hair...

One day I was meeting with a client  ...

I touched my hair and noticed something..

Is it a knot?

Is it a leaf?

It felt coarse and odd... so I tugged it away from the softer layers of my hair.

It wasn’t a knot at all... it was a chunk of hair; a big chunk.

I can honestly say it was one of the most embarrassing moments of my life.

You see earlier that day, Isaac pulled my hair. 

And pulled... 

and pulled... 

at 5’3 and 125 pounds this 12 year old is strong. 

He had a melt down in the car and was so upset he pulled my hair and would not let go... It hurt so bad I had a headache all day and almost cancelled my client meeting

“I am not feeling well”

She will understand...

However, I decided to go forward with the meeting.

I did not wish to share the hair pulling incident with anyone ...

Olivia was there and that was hard enough;

I was speaking with my client and casually touched my hair and then pulled out what I thought was a knot;

My client looked at me  and I said... 

it’s my hair... wow... Isaac pulled my hair today during a melt down and it literally came out from the root.

I wanted to cry...but held it in. 

We remember our Jesus had chunks of hair ripped from His beard and we all know it hurt.

These melt down incidents aren’t just physically painful.

They are emotionally, and mentally painful too  ...

I am Isaac’s mom.

Doesn’t He understand I am trying to help him?

If I say “no” or “wait” it is only for his good.  

How must our Abba feel?

We are often like autistic kids kicking, screaming, running away, using non verbal and verbal speech in protest against God’s “no” or wait.  

I am so thankful we cannot physically hurt Jesus- but we can emotionally- we can break His heart & grieve His Holy Spirit.

Why do you kick against the goads ? 

Jesus said to Saul.

(Acts 26:14)

Consider what Chuck Swindoll says about kicking against the goads: 

‘Apparently, "to kick against the goads" was a common expression found in both Greek and Latin literature—a rural image, which rose from the practice of farmers goading their oxen in the fields. Though unfamiliar to us, everyone in that day understood its meaning.

Goads were typically made from slender pieces of timber, blunt on one end and pointed on the other. Farmers used the pointed end to urge a stubborn ox into motion. Occasionally, the beast would kick at the goad. The more the ox kicked, the more likely the goad would stab into the flesh of its leg, causing greater pain.

Saul’s conversion could appear to us as having been a sudden encounter with Christ. 

But based on the Lord's expression regarding his kicking back, I believe He’d been working on him for years, prodding and goading him”

What is God using to get your attention?

God often uses my boy to draw me to Himself and keep me on my knees. 

Even now at this writing... he is in recovery from pediatric neuro-surgery to fenestrate the cyst on his brain.

Wow Lord!

Thank you for so lovingly and tenderly caring for us!

Forgive us for all the adult melt downs we have had kicking you, pulling your beard or immaturely saying to you “I’m not your friend!” like we were back in kindergarten.

YOU ARE MY FRIEND!

You see those hair pull moments, life tragedies, hospital waiting room seasons.. 

You see it all and you see us not as we are currently, but who you are shaping us to become!  May we be more like you!

And like Isaac’s cyst that was putting pressure on his brain, drain and remove ANYTHING that is blocking us from a deeper relationship with You!

Instead of kicking against the goads,  may we embrace your Shepherd’s staff... for You alone comfort us! 

Maximize Your Glory

 Maximize your glory

Remember when Mary got the news that she would give birth to the Messiah? 

She was scared no doubt but she said let it be to me as you have said. 

(Luke 1:38) 

The other day I was thinking about how I have shared openly about Isaac over the years. 

One day I was at the car wash and a woman approached me “is your name Laura?”

I didn’t recognize her and she said “I remember you spoke at a women’s event. you have a son with autism don’t you?”

I don’t know what’s gonna happen with the cyst but I know that my prayer and my desire is always that God would receive the maximum Glory. 

Isaac is special.

I would’ve never in a million years thought I’d be excited to see a neurosurgeon. 

Something was wrong with Isaac.

The seizure helped uncover it...

I always knew in my heart that God would receive all the glory from Isaac’s life.

On Nov 2, 2020 Isaac will have a non-invasive surgery on the cyst touching his brain.

Pediatric neuro-surgery.

Wow.

Will you join me in giving God the maximum glory through this?

While the world waits for election results on Nov 3, 2020, Chuck and I will be patiently waiting to see how Isaac recovers.

No matter the season, trial or circumstance let’s choose to give Jesus the maximum glory ! 

  

Champion

 On Oct 17, 2020 I watched a huge boxing upset. 

Teofimo Lopez Jr. beat Vasiliy Lomachenko to claim undisputed lightweight crown - he won 4 belts. 

“We did something nobody thought we could do,” said Teofimo Lopez Sr., father and manager. “We outboxed him. It was a matter of hitting and not getting hit. We just made the best boxer in the world look like nothing. He (Lomachenko) had 370 amateur fights and we beat him at his own game.” 

Teofimo Lopez Jr. is a champion. 

Teofimo Lopez Jr. (the boxer- less likely to win) did what his dad kept saying he would do- win against a well known amazing boxer named Lomachenko.

 

"I have to thank God. I had to dig deep," Lopez said. "I'm thankful, I'm grateful and each and every day I take that in. I walk by faith for a reason and it feels good."

Dear little Laura! 

You enjoy watch boxing!

Actually I do...

Well-Not usually. 

I’m not a big boxing fan but this fight caught my attention and Chuck and I watched it Saturday evening...

There are so many illustrations in scripture of boxing (1 Cor 9:26), war (Rev 12:7-11) and fighting the good fight (1 Tim 6:12). 

We all love the story of David versus Goliath. (1 Sam 17:1-51)

I think we have to be careful (real careful) to remember this isn’t some kids Bible story or a fairytale - it really happened!  A man named David really did kill a man named Goliath who was a big bully to all of the children of Israel. 

What struck me about the boxing match between Loma and Lopez wasn’t the fight itself ... what caught my attention was the end of the fight...The reaction of the father.

The father -  Teofimo Lopez Sr. pranced around the ring shouting “I TOLD YOU! I told you. I’ve been telling you! I told you!!!” 

The father was the promoter of the boxing son. The father was the promoter -the trainer -the manager - he was everything. 

“I told you!!” 

It hit me!

This is a pictiure of our heavenly Father. 

He is shouting to the world- “Look at my Son! Look at how awesome He is! Trust Me! He is a champion!”

Recall the disciples wanted to see what the Father was like. 

(John 14:9-11) Jesus answered: “Don’t you know me, Philip, even after I have been among you such a long time? Anyone who has seen me has seen the Father. How can you say, ‘Show us the Father’? Don’t you believe that I am in the Father, and that the Father is in me? The words I say to you I do not speak on my own authority. Rather, it is the Father, living in me, who is doing his work. Believe me when I say that I am in the Father and the Father is in me; or at least believe on the evidence of the works themselves”

Look! Jesus is coming. We tell people and some believe while others think we are nuts.

The bottom line is that Jesus is truly the hero of our story. He is not weak and frail Jesus, or baby Jesus meek and mild like the paintings. No. Jesus is a fighter. He sweat drops of blood. He was whipped, humiliated, killed for you and me. 

He is the undefeated, undisputed champion of the world and Satan wants a re-match. Sorry. There are no “do-overs”  promoted by pay-per-view. It’s over. 

Jesus won the war. 

As the world seems to be unraveling with Covid19, civil unrest, wars/rumors of wars, gender confusion, child/slave/sex trafficking, abortion up to the date of live birth, we might think Satan is winning.

No!

I dare you to close your eyes and imagine the heavenly Father bursting with pride saying: 

 “I TOLD YOU! I TOLD YOU! This is my Son. Trust Him. He is the undefeated champion of death and shame and sin and the grave. 

He is the resurrection. 

Didn’t I tell you!? 

Didn’t I tell you!?

I told you He would be Immanuel-God with us. He would be Wonderful, He would be stricken and smitten and acquainted with grief! He would come from Nazareth, born in Bethlehem, killed like a common thief but later buried in a rich man’s tomb! I told you- He is the One- He would rise again and reign in Victory! Stop looking to a President to be your Champion. Stop looking to an entertainer or a spouse or a country or government or a pastor or religion or medicine or health or wealth... none of these killed death- only JESUS! He is the One! Trust my Son! He is the Warrior and Hero! He is The Champion of all Champions!” 

There is a song that I love called “Champion” 

by Dante Bowe (and Bethel Music) 

Part of the song says -

“You are my champion

Giants fall when you stand

Undefeated

Every battle -You’ve won

I am who You say I am

You crown me with confidence

I am seated, in the heavenly place

Undefeated, with the

One who has conquered it all

 

Now I can finally see it

You’re teaching me how to receive

So let all the striving cease

This is my victory

 

When I lift my voice and shout

Every wall comes crashing down

I have the authority

Jesus has given me

When I open up my mouth

Miracles start breaking out

I have the authority

Jesus has given me” 

What if we really lived as if we live on this side of victory?

I think so often our emotions the news and the troubles of this world cloud the view of our Champion.

We need new eyes to see.

We need new ears to hear.

We need tp remember who we are !

Sons and daughters of the Champion! 

Clean house Lord!

My mom hates spiders.

Hates. 

Loathes.

She despises and fears them. She does not accommodate spiders at all. 

It’s quite funny. 

If she sees a spider she’ll scream loudly and wake up the entire neighborhood.

Spiders do bite and they have venom and none of us want to ever come even a mile from a brown recluse. 

This month (at the time of this blog post) is October and there are pumpkins, skeletons, ghosts and creepy decorations all over the neighborhood- including yes, spiders and spider webs. 

I live in a neighborhood with old-growth trees and vines and I have noticed more spiders lately. 

I have cleaned a few webs in my home because where there is a web, you know a spider lives nearby too. 

I thought spiders make their homes in dark places like attics, barns, garages or around trash cans. This is not the only place spiders congregate. They can get cozy in your home- in plain sight. 

I was pondering this the other day and I thought about the stigma spider webs have “inside” a home. You imagine the homeowner who never dusts, never cleans or doesn’t even move around much in the home.

This is not true at all. I have an entryway that is one of the most frequently used areas of the home and yet high in a corner- there is a spider web. 

The Lord has been teaching me a lot about pruning. In John 15, He reminds us He is the vine and we are the branches. If we stay connected to Jesus and allow Him to care for us, water us, grow us and yes also prune us, then we will bear much fruit.

Back to spider webs...

Spider webs are unsightly and again they make your house look “unkept” or neglected. In this spooky season people think spider webs are even kind of creepy and they are associated with fears and fright. 

Jesus is the vine, but He is also our housekeeper.

"Not so Lord!" You may say

"Please do not come over and clean my house! Oh no Jesus! Don’t look under the bed! Don't Jesus please look in that messy cupboard. Please Jesus don't peek around my porch, under the sink, by the toilet or around the trash cans! It’s yucky there! King Jesus-you are my guest!" 

You see when guests enter my home I want the guests to relax, enjoy food, talk with the family and just be comfortable. 

As you read and study Jesus in the Gospels, you will notice Jesus always always cleans house! 

He corrects you (like the Mary and Martha story)

He sits with you in your home (like Zachaeus) 

He eats with you and spends the early mornings and late nights with you (like with the 3 years with the disciples) 

He’ll turn over the money tables (and check for spiders- just kidding!!) 

He’ll wash feet and then .... He’ll even allow you to wash His feet with your tears.

Home=intimancy.

Jesus is the real deal and He won’t let spider webs interrupt His time with you. Jesus is so holy and pure He won’t ignore the spider webs either. He’ll grab a towel or dust wand and get rid of each and every spider web. 

Why?

Jesus loves us.

Jesus is not content with a partially clean house or a partially clean heart... (Psalm 51)

He wants it all ...Jesus wants you. Jesus wants you to give Him the corners and messy spots of your heart, but He desires you to give Him access to these areas willingly...

Having someone offer to clean your home or offer to tidy an area that you have neglected is a little bit uncomfortable and might be downright embarrassing... 

We need to let Jesus clean.

We need to give God all the keys to the house.

We need to give Jesus all of the passwords to our phone our Internet our computer and any other device we have.

You see, as humans, we can ignore those cobwebs or spiderwebs....

We can say it’s not really a big deal.

Since God is holy, He won't let those sinful areas build up. 

God is pure. 

God is beautiful. 

God is awesome and He is the master gardener and housekeeper and He's the architect and designer of our life. 

I pray when we are in a pruning season, we would allow Him to take the swiffer, grab the vacuum,  take the pledge can and any cleaning tool He desires, and scrub away all of the things in our hearts and in our lives that are not pleasing to Him.

Like the entryway of my house, there might be spiderwebs in plain sight that Jesus wants to get rid of. We need to get over ourselves, yield to Him and let Him do the cleaning.

I pray this encourages you to not be embarrassed by those "dusty" spider web areas of your life or heart but to recognize that Jesus wants these areas too. 

He wants to prune us, clean us, and finally to present us as a spotless bride radiant and prepared for His Father. (Eph 5:27) 

Car Tears

 Car tears 

I want to share something that I rarely share:

I LOVE PEOPLE.

Just kidding- pretty much everyone knows that...

Seriously though, I do wish to share something that I have not talked about publicly...

At our former church there is something that happened after every service we the Gonzalez family endured. 

Actually, I endured it.

Here’s the backstory: 

I do love people!  I love everything about people. I love catching up with you. I love to see your smile I love to complement you on your outfit.

I love to hear how you’re doing I love to encourage you and pray with you.

As Christians we call time together in Jesus “fellowship.” 

Since I am a talker and a “sharer” it is a great highlight for me to dialogue, converse, laugh and share time with believers. In my older years, I even love connecting with those who are hurting. If I see someone across the way who I can tell is hurting... I may feel prompted by the Lord to go over there and pray with you or ask how I can help in anyway....

Isaac has autism and he loves doughnuts. After church we would allow him to have a doughnut. However it became a problem. Isaac would run over to the doughnut table cut the line or even try to touch the doughnuts. 

He became so obsessed with this after church service we had to stop it.

I did not want him touching anyone’s doughnut or touching the tray of doughnut. This is part of autism- it’s hard for him to keep his hands to himself.

Another problem is eloping. 

With autism, kids like run. 

You might not know why they do this. Isaac‘s brain does not work like our brains do. He elopes because he has that fight or flight feeling that he must get that thing that he really wants. He doesn’t understand danger or impulse control so if he wants something he will run until he gets it.

Isaac would often run to the bookstore to go look at the VeggieTales DVDs. It would be so hard to get him back into the car to go home. It would be so difficult to help him understand that even though he already owned each and everyone of those VeggieTales DVDs the items at the store do not belong to him and he cannot have them. 

It became yet another problem.

So here comes the piece that I have not shared with many people ever...

After church after the service was over during the fellowship time I would walk to the car and sit in the car with Isaac. 

Chuck often had a ministry related commitment and Olivia would enjoy a doughnut and sit and talk with friends or wait for daddy. 

I would sit in the car with Isaac and wait. 

I would try my best not to turn around and look at all my friends with their normal kids catching up, laughing fellowshiping. 

We did this routine many times many Sundays for many years.

No one knew that I was in the car with Isaac just sitting there... longing to fellowship but knowing that I could not. 

The only people who knew were Olivia and Chuck. They would try their best to hurry to the car so we could all go home and eat breakfast together as a family.

Just this morning at 5 AM the Lord reminded me of these after church lonely moments in the car with Isaac and myself.

Sometimes I would cry but mostly I would just look at my Bible study notes or look at my phone or listen to the radio.

It just became the routine for us- for our family. 

Even now, when I do have time to fellowship it’s very hard to stay engaged because I always have to worry about Isaac. Is he OK? Is he harming the caregiver? What if he has a seizure?

I’m not a “what if” kind of gal ... but ever since Isaac started having seizures the enemy will use these thoughts to try to drown out the joy of fellowship.

I cannot tell you the thrill I get when my husband says “don’t worry about Isaac I got him take as long as you want.”

I was able to get my hair done by a sister in Christ who I love dearly. We prayed talked, listened to worship, cried and I was able to have her anoint me with oil. 

With the new revelation that Isaac has a cyst on his brain I have been crying a lot. And it’s often in my car. 

I have cried in my car after dropping him off at school I have cried in my car driving home. I have cried in my car after hearing a voicemail from the nurse at his school. I have cried in my car after hearing a voice message that I need to pick him up from school for some other circumstance related to autism. I have cried in my car when it’s just Isaac and I (all alone) and I’m listening to worship trying to forget about Autism for a moment. I have cried in my car many, many, many times. 

Car tears.... 

The autism mom life is super lonely. It is a very distracted life and is not a life I planned for and it is not the life that I am “owning” as my main identity.

I have been crucified with Christ and it’s no longer I who live but Christ who lives in me. (Gal 2:20) 

I pray out loud often “Jesus take the wheel.”

When I’m crying in my car Jesus is taking the wheel. I give him my tears I give him my pain, I give him my hopes and my dreams. The last few years the last few months especially it has been very painful excruciating -agony.

I don’t want my son to have autism. 

I don’t want my son to have seizures. 

I don’t want my son to have a cyst on his brain. 

I don’t want my son to bite or pull the hair of my family or caregivers. 

I do want to stay after church and fellowship and laugh and pray with people. 

God is giving me this unique opportunity to be a mom and caregiver to Isaac. I am a wife to Chuck a mom to Olivia. 

We often say that our family is the first ministry. 

I hope that this part of my testimony will encourage you that YES our family is our first ministry. I’ve had to say NO to many many birthday parties and celebrations knowing that Isaac can’t attend. 

I’ve had to say no to many breakfast events,  lunches, brunches, overnight events, women’s events, mom’s night out, fun times, Beach trips, prayer meetings. I’ve had to say no to a lot of things but I will never say no to Jesus. 

If Jesus gave me this assignment of raising Isaac then I know that my saying no to some fun fellowship events is a choice. I’m not trying to get pity or anything like that I’m just sharing my heart that when God gives you an assignment we must count the cost and trust God with every part of that assignment even the hard parts. 

Once again, no one knew about my car times after church....Sitting alone with Isaac. 

I didn’t complain about it and I’m not complaining about it now. 

I’m just sharing that it was something I had to do that I didn’t want to do. 

I wanted to be out of my car sitting next to my son and daughter talking with friends enjoying fellowship under the sun while holding a Bible and meditating on the things of God. 

Autism makes even sitting with a doughnut and a cup of coffee hard. But that doesn’t mean I don’t get close to Jesus. 

I have chosen to be creative with fellowship. 

I’ve had prayer times with people over the phone. I’ve had people come over and pray with me while my eyes are open as I’m looking at Isaac swim. ....while I am crying worshiping and enjoying the prayer time. 

Life can be messy and the autistic life is especially messy and chaotic but I will continue to cry in my car and say Jesus take the wheel and let him drive me all the way to heaven.... I know there will be a marriage supper with Jesus in heaven and Isaac will be there too and he won’t be running away he will be sitting and enjoying the meal and I can’t wait for that day  ! 

(See also Eph 3:13-20 ) 

Dear Jesus...

Dear Jesus, You alone are God and I wait upon you LORD to show up. I wait upon you God to show us your glory through Isaac's present health issues....

The other day I was really broken. I felt muted. I can't pray, I can't sing. I can't read. I can only cry. When you are sleep deprived and extremely exhausted it is so easy for Satan to sneak in and try to tell you lies like:

"Where is God now?" 

"If the LORD loves you, why has He not done something about this?"

"You have asked many times for 'help' and it has only gotten worse"

I can pray and use Truths to defeat the lies. You know those fancy "anti-virus" softwares that detect viruses on your computer? That is what God's Word does. When you hide His Word in your heart He easily puts up a radar "Virus detected! Do not stop praying or believe that lie. God will never leave you nor forsake you. Keep praying!"

The Holy Spirit is the Helper and "lie-detector."

Feeling extremely depleted I knelt down to pray and first felt very strongly I need to play some worship songs. 

I put one worship song on that was on my heart.

Then for the second song I really just wanted to worship Jesus and not ask for anything.

I put on "Oh Lord You're Beautiful" by Keith Green.

This song is one of my favorites.

If you play the "live" version you will enjoy hearing him share his heart in the beginning....

He talks about how the other night He wrote the LORD a letter. He didn't know where to mail it so he put it in his Bible.

I worshipped. I wept. I literally imagined myself wiping Jesus' feet with my tears. At that moment, I was swept away and remembered how very Holy God is. I too felt like writing a letter to the LORD like Keith Green said. 

There is a show Olivia used to watch: "My Little Pony." This Netflix series is not the original one from the 80s, it's new and she was devoted to watch each and every episode. There was one part I always remembered. It appeared in every episode. You would see a pony vigorously scribbling writing a note. She would write to her mentor saying "Dear Princess Celestia...." and she would share her heart and things going on in her world.

Keith Green poured out his heart to Jesus in a letter. That is exactly what our lives are. They are living epistles read by all men. 

Then, I realized something....

My entire life has been a "Dear Jesus" letter.

The Bible encourages us to pray without ceasing. I think for many this verse seems intimidating or even impossible. 

However, when your life is a "Dear Jesus" letter, it is not so scary to think about praying all the time and with a genuine heart of love for Jesus.

I have been talking a lot to Jesus about Isaac. A LOT. 

Many people already know he has autism. However, there are seasons when autism seems louder than others (that is how Chuck and I describe it anyway).

Lately, autism has been very very loud.

First, special education shut down due to COVID-19.

Second, church, ABA therapy and other gatherings/outings he is used to are shut down due to COVID-19.

He does not understand social distancing or the reason for the shut down.

I genuinely think he was depressed as he would wake up excited and say "School?" Not today son, school is broken I would tell him. I even took him to his school on a week day to show him that it was closed.

Heartbreaking.

Third, he is a pre-teen during puberty. During puberty I have been warned autism gets harder because in stead of rolling his eyes, or smacking his lips or talking back when I ask him to do a chore or talk to him about something, I get pinched, my hair pulled or a bite on the arm. He has been much more aggressive during this summer of COVID-19. 

Fourth, Isaac had his first seizure on July 4, another seizure on Aug. 15, and BAM the MRI discovered a cyst on His brain.

Dear Jesus, Dear Jesus, Dear Jesus...

You see I love words. I have always written little note cards and post cards. I loved to write notes and leave them in Chuck's lunch bag. I would write in my journals at church during Bible study. I write verses that minister to me. I mail a card with a verse to someone who is hurting. I write a thank you note to someone who blessed me. I even felt led by the Holy Spirit to leave a note on a stranger's car with a verse, an invitation to church and a "daily bread." I have written letters to a relative in prison and to friends on mission trips. I want you to know letters are special to me!

There is just something about a letter....

Emails are great. Texts are nice. But a letter specifically hand written for you- sealed with love and a prayer that I believe God uses in my life most.

I now realize my life is a "Dear Jesus" letter. Like Keith Green said. He wrote a letter to the LORD, He didn't know where to put it so He put it in His Bible. 

My Dear Jesus letter (my life story) is full of tears, prayers, woo-hoo praises, highs and lows, and the best part is the story is not over. (Phil 1:16)

At Loma Linda Hospital, all alone because of COVID, just me and my boy in the hospital room, (the Pediatric Intensive Care Unit), I asked God- is this the crescendo? Is this the peak of our story? A cyst on his brain? How can this be a part of Isaac's story and mine (and Olivia's and Chuck's life story) Is there a climax here? A build up to something unusual and amazing? Is there a special turn of events in store for Isaac?

When I asked God this question I did not hear a response.

What I am now hearing is "wait."

2 Corinthians 3:2-3 "You are our epistle written in our hearts, known and read by all men; clearly you are an epistle of Christ, ministered by us, written not with ink but by the Spirit of the Living God, not on tablets of stone but on tablets of flesh, that is, of the heart. 

Dear Jesus, I do not know what you are doing, but I humbly ask for a healing for Isaac. Your mija, Laura

My Neck Hurts....

 July 28, 2019 on a Sunday (bam!) we were rear ended. 

...Might not seem like a big deal for a California freeway but the impact on my body has still not recovered.

My neck hurts.

I have done everything.

Doctor, chiropractor, acupuncture, etc...

This week I realized something... 

Having neck pain affects my prayers. 

I love to bow my head over my Bible, or sit in the backyard and bow to pray.

I have realized now after the 1 year mark of the accident, Satan hates prayer and through this car accident injury my prayer time is more of a challenge than before  ...

When I think on this I become very sad and discouraged. 

However, it has NEVER been about my body (posture) when I pray. Never. It’s all about the One I talk to.

 El Elyon - Almighty Infinite God

I realized my neck hurts and I shouldn’t aggravate the injury by bowing down with eyes closed in prayer as I usually do.

God wants me to look up. Way up!!

Bowing your head is a beautiful symbol of humility. Looking up to me is a symbol of praise, adoration and hopefulness. 

It hurts to bow my neck.

Crazy! 

We must not let any pressure, any health problems, mental distractions, outward circumstances stop us from praying!  

Lessons from Isaac's iPad

Isaac has been using an iPad for years.
One day we noticed something strange.
We would install various apps and he would smile and squeal and play them.
Then suddenly....all of the apps would be gone.
For some reason (remember he has autism and has many many quirky unusual behaviors) he would press the app down, wait for the little "x" in the corner of the ap and then delete the ap.
Then he would get frustrated because we would have to take the iPad away to "re-install" the ap which often takes 5 minutes or more to re-install the ap.

Add the ap, delete the ap, reinstall the ap...
We went on this cycle for a while until we realized something...We could "disable" his ability to delete the aps.

The LORD reminded me how he does this for us. He can both enable and disable things like a parent can monitor a child's use of an iPad.

I cannot navigate trials on my own. I am completely "disabled." The strength ap is deleted when I go through heavy trials and I need help from the administrator.

Jesus is my IT administrator and He gives me a much-needed helper- The Holy Spirit.

Romans 5:1-5
Therefore, having been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom also we have access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and rejoice in hope of the glory of God. And not only that, but we also glory in tribulations, knowing that tribulation produces perseverance; and perseverance, character; and character, hope. Now hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit who was given to us.

I often say this to the LORD when I am going through emotional turmoil. "Jesus I feel like mush. Help, Jesus please help!"

God is not distant from my cries. The LORD is not distant from your cries either. 

He knows you need Him to press the "enable" button and implant not something but SOMEONE - the Holy Spirit- to help you in your desperate times of need. 

When I feel so down and defeated I realize I am trying to "endure" and run this race without the Holy Spirit. I feel disabled for good reason. I need the Helper- the Holy Spirit to enable me to work properly. 

During this COVID19 pandemic, you may feel disabled. You may feel completely shut down and weary...I literally told my husband the other day "I am not running on full bars." 

Sometimes you need a Holy Spirit time out where you reboot and get alone with God and listen. 

Listen to the LORD. I confess this is the hardest part of my prayer time with Jesus. I talk and talk and talk and talk and plead and confess and talk and praise. However, it is hard for me to shush and listen. 

The other day I did just that. I cried out to the LORD and I heard Him. He said to my heart "This is your special assignment. Holdfast." The next day He gave me the word "endure."

You see, I need my Abba Father to hold me. He can help me holdfast. I need to listen like Moses to God say "Stand still. Let me fight for you"

"The LORD shall fight for you, and ye shall hold your peace." Exodus 14:14

As Mandisa sings
"You're an overcomer

Stay in the fight 'til the final roundYou're not going under'Cause God is holding you right nowYou might be down for a momentFeeling like it's hopelessThat's when he reminds youThat you're an overcomerYou're an overcomer"
The only way to be an overcomer is to allow the Holy Spirit to "click" the enable button in your soul. We need the assistance of the Holy Spirit. Without the Holy Spirit we are toast. 



Today I heard an awesome encouragement regarding the word "worry." The word "worry" comes from the British dialect meaning to choke or strangle. 
Another definition of worry means to harass by tearing, biting, or snapping especially at the throat. Finally, to worry can mean to assail with rough or aggressive attack; or to worry means to afflict with mental distress or agitation.

Satan is literally trying to "choke" us with worries.
No! In the Name of Jesus, I give you Jesus power and permission to click the enable button on my heart. Fill me with the Holy Spirit and fight these battles for me!

What a precious lesson from Isaac's iPad and from the Word of God!!!