God says "Yes"

We pray. 

We wait on God.

We hope.

We cling to His Word like a child's hands firmly grasped on the harness while riding a roller coaster.

It hurts and all the evidence points to the inevitable. 

The worst has happened.

The last breathe was taken.

We grieve and mourn and wish for different results. 

I often tell the LORD, "I trust you even though I don't like this. I don't get this. But where else can I go?"

The ceiling has fallen. 

The world appears to halt.

This was not supposed to happen, but it happened.

A divorce. A cancer journey. A child with disabilities. An unfaithful spouse. A pink slip and the words "We have to let you go" A car accident. A child who had so much promise runs away from Jesus.

COVID has reminded us of the brevity of life. 

I confess, it hurts when God says no.

I have begged God for a miracle. 

I watched the sweet movie "Encanto" today. She was not given a gift. Everyone in her family was special. But the main character did not receive a gift. She smiled even though her heart was sad, envious and a little weary. Everyone else got a gift, but she did not receive hers. 

I get this. 

In Encanto, she sings. "I am waiting on a miracle."

So many miracles were performed when Jesus walked the earth.

He healed the blind, lame, those with leprosy, the woman with the issue of blood, he raised the dead, he multiplied food, he healed the demon possessed, He calmed the sea. He is indeed God. Jesus is God.

I often wrestle with when God says "no" to my prayers. 

I hope you wrestle too. Wrestling makes us human and we can't wrestle with someone we don't believe in. 

Faith can be painful because what we want so bad is not happening. It may never happen...We don't always hear "yes" to our prayers and that stings. 

He is a Good Good Father, even when the circumstance is anything but good.

I have reflected quite a bit on the idea of when God says "no."

I don't want to camp there....

I want to reflect on when God says "yes."

God says Yes to grace.

God says Yes to salvation as a free gift.

God says Yes to a reunion with our loved ones who have gone home first. 

God says Yes to beautiful lasting memories.

God says Yes to mercy.

God says Yes to new mercies every morning.

God says Yes to illumination of His Word.

God says Yes to sunrises- made just for you.

God says Yes to starlit skies- again, designed just for you....

God says Yes to kindergarten kisses by small innocent lips. 

God says Yes to taking care of you from your youth to your old age. 

God says Yes to living an abundant life with His Spirit guiding you.

God says Yes to listening to your broken record prayers.

God says Yes to bind up fresh wounds.

God says Yes to healing your old scars.

God says Yes to making new wine out of you.

God says Yes to working all things together for His good...

He says Yes.

It's like we are asking Him to marry us...

We wait with eager anticipation...

He loves me? He loves me not.

Jesus says "Yes! I will be your bridegroom. I would go to the Cross all over again. You are worth it. I say Yes" 

Jesus says yes to our salvation, to grace and to eternity with Him. 

We must trust Him...

The Art of Lament

When I am in pain I write.

When I write, it does not always make sense... Thank you in advance for your tenderness.

I am not a theologian or scholar or ardent student of the subject of pain and suffering. I am not an authority on the subject.

I am a girl with a blog and we all gotta start somewhere right?

Lament can be a noun or verb.

Lament (noun) A passionate expression of grief or sorrow.

Lament (verb) to mourn (a person's loss or death) or to express one's deep grief about something or someone. 

Grief is a process. This is true. We do not "act" like it's true.

We want people to hurry up, get over it, get better and be back to normal. I want normal and you do too.

The best thing we can do when someone is grieving is just be there. The ministry of presence.

The best thing we can do when someone is lamenting is pray with them and for them.

We must be there for each other to help process grief like Job's friends but NOT like Job's friends in their judgmental/"where's your sin Job" approach. 

Warren Wiersbe's book: "Why us? When Bad Things Happen to God's People" noted a very good point. 

"The basic theme of the book of Job is GOD, not suffering, and the book answers very few questions. However, the book of Job is an important document for our case that God is big enough to help us when life tumbles in." (emphasis mine)

The LORD reminded me of an image.

When I was in college I took a photography class and we even had the opportunity to process the film of the photos we shot.

Photographic processing or photographic development is the chemical process by which photographic film (or paper) is treated after photographic exposure to produce a negative or positive image. 

The chemicals are stinky. 

The process room is dark.

"All photographic processing use a series of chemical baths" one article stated. "Processing especially the development stages, requires very close control of temperature, agitation and time."

Temperature, agitation and time...

Temperature, agitation and time...

ALL in a controlled environment. 

Although the photographic film room is stinky, there is a bubbling of joy and enthusiasm going on inside of you.

Will any of these prints come out nice?

Did I shoot an Ansel Adams worthy work of art?

There is a thrill of hope...Through the stinky process you sense something beautiful will emerge. 

The LORD does promise to bring beauty from ashes but it gets hard to trust this Truth when you've been living with ashes for a long long time. 

We do trust the One in the control room. 

We trust the finger of God holding the thermostat. King Jesus will not use the temperature, agitation and time for nothing....He DOES have a purpose, a Kingdom purpose. But again, it's hard to see this beyond the ashes at times...the ashes of grief and pain and mourning can be blinding. 

Our Awesome Lord reminded me of another image in comforting my heart through this season of lament.

Nursing.

Nursing? Like a baby?

Yes.

I remember when I was nursing Olivia I would feel strong striking pains in my body. What is that?

"Women who breastfeed burn extra calories to make milk...Nursing also triggers contractions that help shrink the uterus making it a workout for the whole body" (from babycenter.com)

Lamentation is like nursing. You are releasing tears all the while feeling contractions in your body yourself. A new birth is coming. A new life will be born. What can be more comforting than a nursing mom with her newborn? The baby is cradled and comforted, but the mom feels the contractions.

Let God cradle you. Let Him nurse you through lament as He holds your tears in a bottle. He wants to comfort you and feed you and let you lean on Him, not on your own understanding. 

I cannot emphasize this enough- Lamenting makes us more like Jesus. 

I know I know, you do not want to hear that. I do not want to say it (or type it) but it's true.

Pain places us at the feet of our Savior. Grief causes us to look to Him over and over and over again.

When I have experienced exuberant joy (the birth of my children, my wedding day, passing the bar exam, other moments like seeing Mt Rainier for the first time or Yellowstone, or even the ocean or a stunning sunrise) the moment is quick. The joy fades. It's so short lived. We can go back to the moment and be re-filled with joy...but it fades. Grief seems to linger. When we are in a season of lamenting...it feels like FOREVER and stays with us like gum on your shoe.

Think of it. We praise HARDER in our season of lament than in our season of joy. In the season of lament our eyes are on the thermostat. God, are you there? Will you turn the temperature down a bit? Are you still in the control room? Please Jesus help! Help! Help!

Our cries are birthing something. We learn to appreciate life again. Breath again. We appreciate His Word again because He brings fresh manna like breakfast in bed when we are dying inside. He brings water to our soul like a drink in Death Valley National Park. We sense Him. Not in a weird mystical way- but in reality. 

HE IS NEAR TO THE BROKEN HEARTED. (Psalm 34:18)

He is there. (Ezekiel 48:35)

He is here. (John 6:20)

Immanuel God with us. (Matt 1:23)

Yahweh Shammah - GOD IS THERE. God is here. 

Some scholars say there are 42 Psalms of lament in scripture and 16 national Psalms of lament. 

They say when you are suffering you should "live" in the Psalms. This is wise and true.

Sorrow may last for a night, but joy comes in the morning. (Psalm 30:5)

Yes, there will be morning after mourning. (Lam 3:23)

There will be laughter after lament. (Luke 6:21)

The whole thing takes time. (Eccl 3:2-4)

It is a process. (Psalm 23) We are wise to learn the art of lament. 

We are strong when our Father cradle us, even when we are crying, let us come and adore Him.

I surrender "a little bit"

My son as you all know has autism.

Part of autism includes unsavory behavior.

The top behavior that I hate, loathe, detest, abhor is BITING.

It is really awful.

He does not bite often but even once a month, or once every 2-3 months is one time too many.

The LORD reminded me of a story and I pray it encourages you...

Years ago my son Isaac would play on his Nana's computer. He was doing something and apparently his cousin (my niece) was up in the mix. 

I was not there at the time. My mom (the world's best Nana) was taking care of Isaac and Julianna (Isaac's neuro-typical cousin).

Isaac would get upset about something and at times bite others.

On this instance my mom went in to the room and Isaac was crying.

"What happened Julie?" My mom inquired.

She responds, "I just a little bit bit him."

This little feisty niece of mine decided to fight fire with fire and she bit him back!!

This never happens.

Usually, when Isaac bites someone they stay away and do not play by him or near him.

On this rare occasion Julie bit him back!

This story still does not make me smile.

You might read it and think, "Well she figured if he is going to bite me, I'll just bite him back."

This is the resolution for typical kids, in typical play settings with typical minds.

This is not how Isaac works.

If you bite him back, he'll still bite you if he is at a level 10 in frustration. 

Kids (and adults) on the spectrum do not have the language to communicate so they will repeat behaviors like hitting, biting, self harm, screaming, tantrums, etc. because they simply do not have an alternate way of expressing themselves. 

To say "this is hard" is the understatement of the century...

Right now, we are in the season of Christmas.

There are decorations everywhere. There are lights all aglow. There are toys to be purchased, there are gifts to be re-gifted, there are cookies to be baked and worship songs to be rehearsed.

It's the most wonderful time of the year....

Well...not for the autism family....

The other day Chuck put up a little Christmas tree.

Just the memory of Christmas trees in our home brings up MANY MANY bad memories.

There is the year Isaac kept breaking the vintage ornaments.

There is the year he opened up presents that Olivia and I painstakingly wrapped.

There is the year Isaac kept saying over and over "Christmas tree Christmas tree" 

There is the year Olivia was in tears saying "Isaac is ruining Christmas" and we ended up taking down all our ornaments and decorations early because it was causing too much anxiety for Isaac.

This year, sweet Isaac wanted a present. The moment the tree went up, he kept asking for a present. I said "I don't have any presents" and he lunged at me aggressively.

I literally calmed him down and later said "You can open a present later" I got a bag, put some snacks and stickers in it and had him open it to "calm" the OCD noise in his head...

The point here is not to discuss autism, our Christmas traditions (or lack thereof) or even the roughness of this season for me....

My point (prompted by the Holy Spirit) has to do with Julianna's comment.

"I just a little bit BIT him"

The LORD has been teaching me ALL over again the lesson of surrender.

I have shared this before...

We sing I SURRENDER ALL-Not I surrender "most" or I surrender "some."

God wants ALL! In Spanish "TODO" He wants full and complete surrender.

We can't just a little bit surrender the way Julianna said she just "a little bit" bit Isaac.

We must surrender ALL.

Mary was told by Simeon "Behold this Child is destined for the fall and rising of many in Israel, and for a sign which will be spoken against (yes, a sword will pierce through your own soul also) that the thoughts of many hearts may be revealed" Luke 2:34 

What sword Simeon? Can you elaborate?

Can you imagine how these words must have reveberated in Mary's mind all of her life?

When Jesus was mocked... Is this the sword?

When Jesus' brothers did not believe He was the Messiah... Is this the sword?

When Jesus was betrayed by Judas...Surely this is the sword. 

When Jesus was whipped and beaten and scourged....Finally I understand THIS must be the sword.

No.

When Jesus was nailed to that cross and Mary was there. She did not leave the area. She watched. She watched him come into the world, and she would not allow this horrific moment to be missed either. She watched him say "I thirst." She was the one who always gave him water to drink when he was a young boy and a larger amount of water when he was a teen. 

She heard him say "My God my God why have you forsaken me" and perhaps she was the one who taught Him to read Psalm 22 and now she is seeing Psalm 22 fulfilled before her very eyes. 

I get it Simeon. I get it Abba Father. 

THIS.

This is the sword that was foretold. I am pierced in the heart while He is pierced in His flesh. 

She probably did not get the meaning behind the cross at that moment...

She wanted to.

She wanted to make sense of this Holy moment. "My Son is NOT a martyr. Surely He will rise from the dead. Messiah can do anything. This cannot be the end. My son, my son, my son" She wept bitterly....

Mary must have felt so light headed and faint. It is a miracle in and of itself that she was able to "watch" the crucifixion. 

We can learn a lot from Mary,

Mary did not surrender "a little bit"

Mary did not surrender "some"

Mary did not surrender "most"

Mary surrendered "ALL"

She watched in pain as Jesus her firstborn son, her only son that was born PRIOR to her having relations with Joseph....She watched him die...then she waited.

Mary was in the upper room after Jesus resurrected and ascended. 

Mary was a great woman of faith. 

This Christmas I am learning and re-learning surrender all over again.

I can't just a "little bit" surrender.

I can't surrender a "little bit"

I must surrender all.

Remember Jesus in the Garden of Gethsemene? 
He prayed.

He prayed and He was in deep anguish. Yet He remained laser focused.

"Not my will, Your will be done Abba Father"

There are many things we must surrender. We must take it to the altar over and over and over again. Sometimes MULTIPLE times a day.

I still hate autism. 
I do get deeply grieved when Isaac bites, pinches, pulls hair or gets aggressive. 

However, I must choose surrender over and over because this is what honors God best. 

I do not know what you are struggling with and what you need to surrender. I pray you can glean from this and not surrender a "little bit" but give God your ALL.

Christmas is unique in our home. It is melancholy because we WANT Isaac to enjoy the Christmas season and not experience so much anxiety over the change.

However, I will not "wish" Isaac into anything. What I can do is surrender. I surrender Christmas to you LORD Jesus. 
I surrender the celebrations and all of the things that trigger Isaac.

Whatever you desire, I will choose surrender. Holy Spirit HELP US surrender even when all we can see is an old rugged cross and do not yet see an empty tomb. 

Help us LORD Jesus not miss you this Christmas but truly Worship you and surrender our hearts to you again and again.