To Transfer This Pain, Press 1

Pain transference 

A friend of mine was going through a tough trial.

Her heart was so heavy she said she thought about driving over the edge of the freeway... trying to kill her self.

At that moment God spoke to her heart saying: 

“If you do that, the pain won’t go away, it will just be transferred”

This Truth has stuck with me and I’m thankful for it. 

Pain doesn’t evaporate.

Pain might lessen or get dulled over time, but it’s still there...

When a little girl is hurt by her daddy, that pain gets transferred to her boyfriend or perhaps later to a husband.

When a little boy is hurt by others, he can later become a bully at his workplace. 

When a parent dies young, that pain can be transferred to drinking, drug use, party life, or even anger towards God. 

When someone kills himself, the pain often gets transferred to the family.

The pain doesn’t go away... it’s just transferred.

We all walk around with wounds. 

However, we don’t have to live wounded. 

The wounds don’t leave us, but we can choose to transfer the pain to Jesus.

Jesus is the ultimate pain taker.

One thing I have learned about pain is that it makes us humans vulnerable and irrational.

I remember a friend telling me that when she was giving birth to her first child (without an epidural) she thought, “Jesus just take me. Kill me now, because this pain is not tolerable!” 

Yes child birth is indeed painful (with or without an epidural) but to wish for death in that moment is not reasonable or rationale. 

Pain calls for a release and relief- that’s where Jesus comes in...  

Here’s the amazing thing about God-

He knows all about pain and He wants us, invites us to transfer it to Him. 

Jesus knows pain ... personally.

He was despised and rejected by mankind, a man of suffering, and familiar with pain. Like one from whom people hide their faces he was despised, and we held him in low esteem

Isaiah 53:3 (NIV) 

Surely our griefs He Himself bore, And our sorrows He carried; Yet we ourselves esteemed Him stricken, Smitten of God, and afflicted.

Isaiah 53:4 

NASB 

Familiar with pain and yet He invites us to give it to Him, to transfer it to Him.

“Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.””

Matthew 11:28-30 NKJV

Dear beloved in Christ, 

I’m sorry for the pain you are enduring. I’m sorry for the hurt that just seems to never go away. Please know you are not alone. God knows what pain is like. He watched as Jesus hung on the cross to save the world. God is not a distant being, He is as close as your breathe. The pain you experienced feels unnatural and that is because you are not made for this world. Jesus created you for heaven, for eternal life. Transfer your pain to Jesus, hand it to Him because it’s not your pain to bear. He wants to carry it for you. Yes you will feel the wound, but you will always smile knowing Jesus took the bigger share of pain and He will right all wrongs one day in heaven. 

Contentment at Christmas

“And when eight days were completed for the circumcision of the Child, His name was called JESUS, the name given by the angel before He was conceived in the womb.”

Luke 2:21 NKJV

Contentment at Christmas 

Christmas stirs up ALL types of emotions- joy, sadness, delight, pain. Just like Mary... she grabbed her tummy during each contraction... the pain is real... but joy was coming! New birth! We praise Jesus the newborn king - destined to die- and then RISE!

The Lord impressed it upon my heart recently a word "Contentment at Christmas"

“Not that I speak in regard to need, for I have learned in whatever state I am, to be content: I know how to be abased, and I know how to abound. Everywhere and in all things I have learned both to be full and to be hungry, both to abound and to suffer need. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.”

Philippians 4:11-13 NKJV

Contentment isn’t just saying no thank you to that second round of chips and salsa. Contentment is saying 

“The Lord is my Shepherd... I have everything I need” Psalm 23

Some people have very humble Christmas celebrations. No tree... no presents, just family, pozole, and the Scripture promise that Jesus is coming again. 

I mean think of it.... 

What if you woke up on Christmas morning and it was like the Grinch story.

The cookies stolen.

All gift boxes and bags gone.

Even the outside decor, snatched in the night... 

all the fun of Christmas robbed by CNN. 

(Ha ha ha! Just kidding!) 

What if all we had was our Bible, no light display shows, no gatherings with family and friends, just a Bible, and 

Luke chapter 2. 

Would that be enough?

I have struggled with Christmas this year.

Not because I want a new car, a new body, a diamond ring, my two front teeth, or even a white Christmas... 

honestly... all I want for Christmas is a normal family.

I know... as you read this you may think

“Laura, that doesn’t exist!”

But as I scroll on your Instagram feed, or browse on Facebook or look at parents pick up their kids from school looking forward to Christmas break, my family looks nothing like that and I grieve. 

I know ... I know... 

God designed each family different and it’s wrong to envy that family’s vacation home, or that other family’s homeschool journey and this family’s wonderful Christmas outing... 

So I sigh and pray...

I know better.... 

Lord help me be content, all I want for Christmas is Youuuuuu YOU Jesus !

(Sing in Mariah Carey voice) 

My Christmas is hard.

We have melt downs, pinching, whining, biting, sleepless nights, weird behaviors, stress, tears, sobbing, anxiety and the list goes on.

Truly I confess Autism has robbed the fun from Christmas... 

but it’s ok!

I’m free...

I cried, I confessed and repented and I asked God through tears, please take this pain away! 

God wrapped a gift just for me! 

He gave me a Rhema Word just for 

little me...  

I said,

“GOD take this pain away” 

And God responded

“No my daughter, this pain must be processed”

WOW.

My mind is blown and let me explain...

My husband was recently blessed by a Bible teaching where the pastor gave the image of how film must be “processed”

In the old days of film processing, the photo, the image, the negative image must be processed in the dark. Then the beautiful photo, the Ansel Adams gorgeous photograph can only be processed in the dark. 

What do they call “film processing rooms”?

The dark room.

Wow!

God told my heart 

(Not Audibly of course!) 

“This pain must be processed “ 

So while we baked no cookies in our home, we could not avoid melt downs and we had a very stressful Christmas break so far, I’m choosing to be content ...

Jesus 

You are all I need, all our family needs... because that photograph will be processed and as we process this pain, you will imprint YOUR image in us! 

I want...

I want to be more like Isaac...

I want to care less about what I get for Christmas and look at clouds more...

I want to be more like Isaac...

I want to look at a stranger and not see clothes, make up or facial hair or glasses but see into their soul and know they need a hug 

I want to be more like Isaac...

I want to feel with a heart of compassion and not with hesitation 

I want to love Big and grab someone’s face with both hands and say “Hi” In other words- to translate... “I see you, I care and I’m glad you are here” 

I want to be more like Isaac...

I want to be thankful for a new day thankful to jump and squeal for joy because it’s Saturday 

I want to care about the things of this world less and say “Yay” after a great song ends

I want to stare at beautiful Christmas lights in awe and wonder 

I want to be more like Isaac...

I want to taste and see the Lord is good... enjoying a sweet treat like it’s the best most delicious treat ever made

Isaac is different...God made Him special and allows Him to teach me

Sometimes I get angry at disabilities because they trap Isaac and others.... there are challenges yes...but there is also beauty in seeing the world differently 

I want to be more like Isaac...because Isaac is simple and when we get to heaven, He will be embraced by our Maker with child like wonder ... not asking “why?” But simply saying “Hi” 

I’m just a girl...

Remember ....
Remember the No Doubt song?
I’m just a girl...

This popped in my head the other day while I was crying my eyes out.
I confessed, God I am “such a girl”
Let me explain...
I was feeling very down and just needed to get away with God and cry and pray and read.
So I did just that.
Then I said “God I’m so lonely right now.”
Then after I continued to cry, I was glad to be alone then I didn’t like being alone.
“First Lord I wanted to be alone so I could cry in peace, now that I’m alone, I feel lonely and just need a hug....I’m such a girl”
Sometimes I hate the overwhelming emotions that rush through me.
I want to help Isaac but I can’t.
I’m trying to be a faithful, patient wife, but I blow it when I snap.
I love my daughter but at times she is a challenge to keep up with.
I want to help my clients but they need more than I can give.
I’m tired, but there’s still so much to do.
I surrender all!
Oh who am I kidding?
I’m surrendering nothing.
I’m spread thin and an emotional wreck.
I’m such a girl.
Now being a girl is not bad.
It’s quite fun.
However, in these moments of transparency with God I realize how deep I feel and desire and want to be a Proverbs 31 woman.
The thing that breaks me and yet lifts me simultaneously is Jesus.
He knows I’m a girl and I need His strong arms.
I’m weak and get tethered on busy days... I need Him!!!
I need my Good Shepherd to guide me from what’s “good” to His best.
I want to be me, but a Spirit filled me.
I need to let things go...even if I’m on my knees 2-3 or more times a day.
God made me a girl and He doesn’t “just” create with no purpose and plan.
God made me Chucks wife, so He’ll equip me how to love and support him.
God allowed me to raise Olivia and Isaac, and when I release them to their Creator and let
go of my false idea of what it means to be a “good mom” I am free to let the Lord lead me and guide me.
I lack in so many areas...but I am not the Savior and
He knows I lack !
He says “My Grace is Sufficient”
So cry it out. Tell your Abba all your feelings, and be His little girl,
Snuggle up in His lap and be at peace- with the emotional woman He created you to be.

The Mountain (revisited)

The Mountain (revisited)

One winter many years ago I was at a women’s retreat.

Life was flowing... 

A friend was going through some hard things and you could hear her sob during worship 

Another woman nearly died from cancer and I saw her raising her arms in praise.

“Savior You Can Move the Mountains. 

My God is Mighty to Save, He is Mighty to Save”

We sang in unison.

Deep in thought and prayer...I asked God

What is my mountain?

I was not enduring any significant trial at the time and felt a lot of peace and contentment and joy.

Lord I don’t have any mountains like some of these other ladies... 

the Lord whispered to my heart 

“The Mountain is You”

Wow Lord. Thank you. Thank you for reminding me and convicting me of this.

Myself- my will - my agenda-my hopes my dreams- all of these things can take my eyes off you! But savior you CAN move the mountains. But you prefer I surrender to your will... you aren’t going to “make” me do anything... I have free will.

For 2018, this Mountain must be revisited.

There are many things the Lord has taught me since Isaac’s diagnosis of autism in 2011. 

1.God created Isaac perfectly and He has allowed autism to affect our daily lives 

2.His Grace is enough 

3.Isaac is the clay, God is the Master potter and God does not make mistakes 

4.God does give us more than we can handle, so we can see HE is the all sufficient one and He will carry us.

5.The joy of the LORD is my strength. I must stay in constant prayer, worship, meditating on the LORD, and be an encourager to my family.

6.Life happens, expect the unexpected and always have your armor on.

7.Lean Not on your own understanding 

8.No one will ever fully understand Isaac like His creator

9.Autism puts a great strain on the marriage so pour lots of love, sacrifice and hold date nights sacred for you and your spouse. 

I could go on and on.

Isaac has taught me volumes.

However, there is that stubborn mountain... 

One area of weakness I have is aggression.

If Isaac bites, pulls hair, or harms me, my spouse, Olivia or a therapist or teacher it deeply affects me.

When Isaac was younger I actually had a teacher say his biting is a “good thing”

Mrs Gonzalez- Isaac can’t communicate his frustrations with words. He bites as a way of “protest” we will get down to the bottom of this...but don’t worry, as his verbal communication increases his aggression will decrease” 

She was right.

However that did not take away the lump in my throat when a teacher was telling a parent after school - “I must inform you, your child was bitten by another student today” I knew full well it was likely my kid who did it... This was probably 5 years ago.

Flash forward to this year. 

No biting...no issues... must progress... praise to our ABBA and then BAM! Isaac has aggression again.

I felt so depleted and defeated. 

The enemy worked on me overtime.

We even said the “R” word

Is he regressing?

As an autism community we (parents and the therapist) look at all the triggers.

Was it lack of sleep?

Food?

Change in circumstances?

Transition from preferred to non-preferred activity?

What caused this and what interventions can we add to this situation?

I must admit I fell and I fell hard.

I actually became afraid of my child.

What if he really seriously injures me? Or another student?

So bummed.

I can’t put it into words.

Well let’s just put him on meds...that’s the last resort.

It’s so humbling.

You think you have a good “groove” or routine going with this special needs parenting gig and BAM- you don’t! 

That’s my Mountain.

It’s me.

I can get in the way of helping my son.

God wants me to be broken, helpless, empty. 

For then He can fill me afresh.

I gotta tell you this season hurt and it hurt bad.

My emotions were everywhere, crying a lot and a lot of deep soul pain.

There’s nothing worse than wanting to help someone so helpless- A child. 

God brought me full circle back to the early diagnosis days...

Very simple.

Trust me. Prov 3:5-6

Put Isaac on the throne-as a living sacrifice and just trust me.

I can move mountains. I am God and as a loving mother, you cannot love him more than I - the Creator. 

Breakthrough is coming... just wait for it and praise Me in the waiting.

I literally imagined myself with a wonder-woman outfit on- I stripped it off and confessed- I can’t do this Lord! I’m not super mom, super advocate- super anything... 

I imagined I was sinking in the ocean and only Jesus could paddle out to rescue me.

I let go. I surrendered.

I still “felt” horrible but the Lord lifted me up as I read my bible through tears and I praised Him through tears of joy.

God is real- and He is never more real than in intense emotional pain.

The Mountain (revisited) by Laura Gonzalez

April 2018

I pray this encourages you!

Phil 4:6-7 

Stay in the Exam

“Stay in the Exam!” 

“Do you not know that those who run in a race all run, but one receives the prize? Run in such a way that you may obtain it.”

I Corinthians 9:24 NKJV

When I was preparing for the Bar Exam (the test to practice law) my colleague told me “stay in the bar exam” even if you feel like you’re failing, even if you totally bomb one of the essays, don’t check out, stay in the test..

Don’t talk to people... 

others will say 

“Wasn’t that first question easy? I saw these 5 issues...” 

You will then say to yourself “oh no! I didn’t see ANY of those 5 issues. I’m failing I just know that I am failing”

Then you proceed to “check out” and not try any more... 

how do you know what questions you got right or wrong?

So... 

don’t talk to other people... 

don’t let others get in your head..

Joshua 6:10

“Now Joshua had commanded the people, saying, “You shall not shout or make any noise with your voice, nor shall a word proceed out of your mouth, until the day I say to you, ‘Shout!’ Then you shall shout.””

Joshua 6:10 NKJV

Sometimes we must be quiet and avoid the voices of others... we must not shout or make noise until God says to. 

This is the same with life! You go through trials and your flesh says.... 

I’m failing! I just know I’m failing.

Look at Susy! Her kids just got baptized. She’s rocking this exam of life..

Look at Jimmy, he is nice to his wife and kids. He never yells or acts rude. 

These people have it all together and I certainly don’t.

I was thinking about how awkward that silence must have been with Joshua and the others. That would be required to March, put their “ear buds in” and say nothing for 7 days! What a challenge for me that would be 

Phil 1:6 says 

“being confident of this very thing, that He who has begun a good work in you will complete it until the day of Jesus Christ;”

Philippians 1:6 NKJV

Why do we so easily check out of exams?

It’s 99.9% mental.

We give up so easily. 

This is one reason why I admire athletes.

They push their bodies. They overcome adversity. They push their minds through all the negativity and say 

“I can!” The world may tell me I can’t, I may even tell myself I can’t. But I can!

I’m sure the enemy worked overtime on Joshua that this whole marching and not talking strategy was sure to fail.

BUT HE STAYED IN THE EXAM- Joshua was obedient no matter how odd the assignment was...

Now let’s look at Paul.

We all know Phil 4:13 

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

But look at the verses before and after: 

“Not that I speak in regard to need, for I have learned in whatever state I am, to be content: I know how to be abased, and I know how to abound. Everywhere and in all things I have learned both to be full and to be hungry, both to abound and to suffer need. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. Nevertheless you have done well that you shared in my distress.”

Philippians 4:11-14 NKJV

Verse 14 ends with the word “distress”

Paul is not OK.

If Paul had Instagram he would post 

#TheStruggleIsReal with a photo of him in jail.

Paul is in the center of God’s Will and getting comfort for it?

No.

Paul is in the center of God’s Will and experiencing DISCOMFORT.

But Jesus is there...

Hope is there...

And contentment is there.

-Beautiful -

Paul can admit he is a beautiful mess and share his agony with others.

Paul is choosing to “stay in the exam” not to give up. Paul is choosing to drown out the noise and we are wise to do the same.

I’m so thankful for that little encouragement my colleague gave me years ago 

“Stay in the Bar exam”

Paul’s exhortation is similar- keep running- keep hoping- for He who began that work isn’t finished yet. 

Helper Help Me

Helper Help Me

I say embrace imperfections.

You have heard the saying 

“It is what it is”

I actually say that often. 

“It is what it is...”

But lately I have not been able to pull myself up from my boot straps. 

I’m not perfect.

I have junk drawers filled with clutter. I have way too many receipts in my purse than necessary....

I don’t have a clean oven... 

I don’t even try to look up new recipes...

I just make what I can...

I’m not a perfectionist at all. 

I don’t have anxiety (usually) and I don’t get stressed by a mess in the kitchen, or my kids laundry baskets that are overflowing or even my clients’ cases...

So what gives?

Why the pain, stress and heavy feelings of my overwhelming fatigue and burden of day-to-day life? 

One word- AUTISM

Self talk might go like this:

“cheer up Laura 

Isaac doesn’t have trouble breathing, he doesn’t sit in a wheel chair, or have seizures.

He does not have cancer.

Life is good and you’re blessed.” 

These are things I tell myself all the time.

But lately...it hasn’t been enough.

Although I’m not a perfectionist, I’m overwhelmed with simple things in life.

Autism melt downs lead to 

Parental guilt which leads to 

Caregiver guilt which leads to 

Condemnation which leads to 

Fragile emotional state which leads to, 

Irritability....which leads to lots of crying...and loss of sleep...

Living with autism can make you into a ticking time bomb...

The eruption may not be in the form of curse words or destruction of objects, but a sense of despair. 

“I’m trying hard at this special needs mom thing and I keep failing over and over ...I’ll just surrender. Here’s the white flag. Go ahead and eat ice cream for breakfast, eat the chips off the floor, go to school without brushing your teeth because I have no more “mom energy” to muster.

I’m all tapped out.” 

Holy Spirit help me!

Helper Help me! 

Psalm 61:1-4

“hear my cry, O God;

listen to my prayer.

from the ends of the earth I call to you,

I call as my heart grows faint;

lead me to the rock that is higher than I.

 For you have been my refuge,

a strong tower against the foe.

I long to dwell in your tent forever

and take refuge in the shelter of your wings”

Normally when I’m beat up by circumstances I breathe deeply, spend some time in prayer and read my Bible. I enjoy a warm cup of coffee. This will lift me up, I think...

I text a friend I need prayer. This will lift me up... I ponder.

I’ll put on some music, watch my kids play, taste a yummy desert, talk to my husband.

No no and no

Nothing is working... I just want to stay down and be alone. 

Yup that will do it. I’ll just sit here and sulk.

But I cannot that’s not who God made me to be.

No one is meant to be an island and moms can run but they can’t hide.

So I went to glen ivy and I felt better.

Nope.

Shopping spree? 

No.

Wrote this journal.

Not even.

The one thing that lifted me up?

Here it is: 

The Name of Jesus. 

“There’s power in the Name of Jesus

There’s power in the Name of Jesus...

To break every chain...” 

Jesus Jesus be near me...

Jesus Jesus help me.

Helper, Help Me.

That’s the One.

That’s what lifted me up post autism melt down.

The Name of Jesus.

The Hope of Heaven.

The Promise that this ache in me is there for a reason... 

The Lord reminded me... you don’t feel at home because...

THIS IS NOT YOUR HOME. (John 14:1-2)

I’m homesick for heaven.

Oh how sweet it will be.

But until then, I strap on my armor and hold up my sword and shield.. 

because ....

THIS... 

IS..... 

WAR.....

Eph 6:10-13