The Mountain (revisited)

The Mountain (revisited)

One winter many years ago I was at a women’s retreat.

Life was flowing... 

A friend was going through some hard things and you could hear her sob during worship 

Another woman nearly died from cancer and I saw her raising her arms in praise.

“Savior You Can Move the Mountains. 

My God is Mighty to Save, He is Mighty to Save”

We sang in unison.

Deep in thought and prayer...I asked God

What is my mountain?

I was not enduring any significant trial at the time and felt a lot of peace and contentment and joy.

Lord I don’t have any mountains like some of these other ladies... 

the Lord whispered to my heart 

“The Mountain is You”

Wow Lord. Thank you. Thank you for reminding me and convicting me of this.

Myself- my will - my agenda-my hopes my dreams- all of these things can take my eyes off you! But savior you CAN move the mountains. But you prefer I surrender to your will... you aren’t going to “make” me do anything... I have free will.

For 2018, this Mountain must be revisited.

There are many things the Lord has taught me since Isaac’s diagnosis of autism in 2011. 

1.God created Isaac perfectly and He has allowed autism to affect our daily lives 

2.His Grace is enough 

3.Isaac is the clay, God is the Master potter and God does not make mistakes 

4.God does give us more than we can handle, so we can see HE is the all sufficient one and He will carry us.

5.The joy of the LORD is my strength. I must stay in constant prayer, worship, meditating on the LORD, and be an encourager to my family.

6.Life happens, expect the unexpected and always have your armor on.

7.Lean Not on your own understanding 

8.No one will ever fully understand Isaac like His creator

9.Autism puts a great strain on the marriage so pour lots of love, sacrifice and hold date nights sacred for you and your spouse. 

I could go on and on.

Isaac has taught me volumes.

However, there is that stubborn mountain... 

One area of weakness I have is aggression.

If Isaac bites, pulls hair, or harms me, my spouse, Olivia or a therapist or teacher it deeply affects me.

When Isaac was younger I actually had a teacher say his biting is a “good thing”

Mrs Gonzalez- Isaac can’t communicate his frustrations with words. He bites as a way of “protest” we will get down to the bottom of this...but don’t worry, as his verbal communication increases his aggression will decrease” 

She was right.

However that did not take away the lump in my throat when a teacher was telling a parent after school - “I must inform you, your child was bitten by another student today” I knew full well it was likely my kid who did it... This was probably 5 years ago.

Flash forward to this year. 

No biting...no issues... must progress... praise to our ABBA and then BAM! Isaac has aggression again.

I felt so depleted and defeated. 

The enemy worked on me overtime.

We even said the “R” word

Is he regressing?

As an autism community we (parents and the therapist) look at all the triggers.

Was it lack of sleep?

Food?

Change in circumstances?

Transition from preferred to non-preferred activity?

What caused this and what interventions can we add to this situation?

I must admit I fell and I fell hard.

I actually became afraid of my child.

What if he really seriously injures me? Or another student?

So bummed.

I can’t put it into words.

Well let’s just put him on meds...that’s the last resort.

It’s so humbling.

You think you have a good “groove” or routine going with this special needs parenting gig and BAM- you don’t! 

That’s my Mountain.

It’s me.

I can get in the way of helping my son.

God wants me to be broken, helpless, empty. 

For then He can fill me afresh.

I gotta tell you this season hurt and it hurt bad.

My emotions were everywhere, crying a lot and a lot of deep soul pain.

There’s nothing worse than wanting to help someone so helpless- A child. 

God brought me full circle back to the early diagnosis days...

Very simple.

Trust me. Prov 3:5-6

Put Isaac on the throne-as a living sacrifice and just trust me.

I can move mountains. I am God and as a loving mother, you cannot love him more than I - the Creator. 

Breakthrough is coming... just wait for it and praise Me in the waiting.

I literally imagined myself with a wonder-woman outfit on- I stripped it off and confessed- I can’t do this Lord! I’m not super mom, super advocate- super anything... 

I imagined I was sinking in the ocean and only Jesus could paddle out to rescue me.

I let go. I surrendered.

I still “felt” horrible but the Lord lifted me up as I read my bible through tears and I praised Him through tears of joy.

God is real- and He is never more real than in intense emotional pain.

The Mountain (revisited) by Laura Gonzalez

April 2018

I pray this encourages you!

Phil 4:6-7