The Mountain (revisited)

The Mountain (revisited)

One winter many years ago I was at a women’s retreat.

Life was flowing... 

A friend was going through some hard things and you could hear her sob during worship 

Another woman nearly died from cancer and I saw her raising her arms in praise.

“Savior You Can Move the Mountains. 

My God is Mighty to Save, He is Mighty to Save”

We sang in unison.

Deep in thought and prayer...I asked God

What is my mountain?

I was not enduring any significant trial at the time and felt a lot of peace and contentment and joy.

Lord I don’t have any mountains like some of these other ladies... 

the Lord whispered to my heart 

“The Mountain is You”

Wow Lord. Thank you. Thank you for reminding me and convicting me of this.

Myself- my will - my agenda-my hopes my dreams- all of these things can take my eyes off you! But savior you CAN move the mountains. But you prefer I surrender to your will... you aren’t going to “make” me do anything... I have free will.

For 2018, this Mountain must be revisited.

There are many things the Lord has taught me since Isaac’s diagnosis of autism in 2011. 

1.God created Isaac perfectly and He has allowed autism to affect our daily lives 

2.His Grace is enough 

3.Isaac is the clay, God is the Master potter and God does not make mistakes 

4.God does give us more than we can handle, so we can see HE is the all sufficient one and He will carry us.

5.The joy of the LORD is my strength. I must stay in constant prayer, worship, meditating on the LORD, and be an encourager to my family.

6.Life happens, expect the unexpected and always have your armor on.

7.Lean Not on your own understanding 

8.No one will ever fully understand Isaac like His creator

9.Autism puts a great strain on the marriage so pour lots of love, sacrifice and hold date nights sacred for you and your spouse. 

I could go on and on.

Isaac has taught me volumes.

However, there is that stubborn mountain... 

One area of weakness I have is aggression.

If Isaac bites, pulls hair, or harms me, my spouse, Olivia or a therapist or teacher it deeply affects me.

When Isaac was younger I actually had a teacher say his biting is a “good thing”

Mrs Gonzalez- Isaac can’t communicate his frustrations with words. He bites as a way of “protest” we will get down to the bottom of this...but don’t worry, as his verbal communication increases his aggression will decrease” 

She was right.

However that did not take away the lump in my throat when a teacher was telling a parent after school - “I must inform you, your child was bitten by another student today” I knew full well it was likely my kid who did it... This was probably 5 years ago.

Flash forward to this year. 

No biting...no issues... must progress... praise to our ABBA and then BAM! Isaac has aggression again.

I felt so depleted and defeated. 

The enemy worked on me overtime.

We even said the “R” word

Is he regressing?

As an autism community we (parents and the therapist) look at all the triggers.

Was it lack of sleep?

Food?

Change in circumstances?

Transition from preferred to non-preferred activity?

What caused this and what interventions can we add to this situation?

I must admit I fell and I fell hard.

I actually became afraid of my child.

What if he really seriously injures me? Or another student?

So bummed.

I can’t put it into words.

Well let’s just put him on meds...that’s the last resort.

It’s so humbling.

You think you have a good “groove” or routine going with this special needs parenting gig and BAM- you don’t! 

That’s my Mountain.

It’s me.

I can get in the way of helping my son.

God wants me to be broken, helpless, empty. 

For then He can fill me afresh.

I gotta tell you this season hurt and it hurt bad.

My emotions were everywhere, crying a lot and a lot of deep soul pain.

There’s nothing worse than wanting to help someone so helpless- A child. 

God brought me full circle back to the early diagnosis days...

Very simple.

Trust me. Prov 3:5-6

Put Isaac on the throne-as a living sacrifice and just trust me.

I can move mountains. I am God and as a loving mother, you cannot love him more than I - the Creator. 

Breakthrough is coming... just wait for it and praise Me in the waiting.

I literally imagined myself with a wonder-woman outfit on- I stripped it off and confessed- I can’t do this Lord! I’m not super mom, super advocate- super anything... 

I imagined I was sinking in the ocean and only Jesus could paddle out to rescue me.

I let go. I surrendered.

I still “felt” horrible but the Lord lifted me up as I read my bible through tears and I praised Him through tears of joy.

God is real- and He is never more real than in intense emotional pain.

The Mountain (revisited) by Laura Gonzalez

April 2018

I pray this encourages you!

Phil 4:6-7 

Stay in the Exam

“Stay in the Exam!” 

“Do you not know that those who run in a race all run, but one receives the prize? Run in such a way that you may obtain it.”

I Corinthians 9:24 NKJV

When I was preparing for the Bar Exam (the test to practice law) my colleague told me “stay in the bar exam” even if you feel like you’re failing, even if you totally bomb one of the essays, don’t check out, stay in the test..

Don’t talk to people... 

others will say 

“Wasn’t that first question easy? I saw these 5 issues...” 

You will then say to yourself “oh no! I didn’t see ANY of those 5 issues. I’m failing I just know that I am failing”

Then you proceed to “check out” and not try any more... 

how do you know what questions you got right or wrong?

So... 

don’t talk to other people... 

don’t let others get in your head..

Joshua 6:10

“Now Joshua had commanded the people, saying, “You shall not shout or make any noise with your voice, nor shall a word proceed out of your mouth, until the day I say to you, ‘Shout!’ Then you shall shout.””

Joshua 6:10 NKJV

Sometimes we must be quiet and avoid the voices of others... we must not shout or make noise until God says to. 

This is the same with life! You go through trials and your flesh says.... 

I’m failing! I just know I’m failing.

Look at Susy! Her kids just got baptized. She’s rocking this exam of life..

Look at Jimmy, he is nice to his wife and kids. He never yells or acts rude. 

These people have it all together and I certainly don’t.

I was thinking about how awkward that silence must have been with Joshua and the others. That would be required to March, put their “ear buds in” and say nothing for 7 days! What a challenge for me that would be 

Phil 1:6 says 

“being confident of this very thing, that He who has begun a good work in you will complete it until the day of Jesus Christ;”

Philippians 1:6 NKJV

Why do we so easily check out of exams?

It’s 99.9% mental.

We give up so easily. 

This is one reason why I admire athletes.

They push their bodies. They overcome adversity. They push their minds through all the negativity and say 

“I can!” The world may tell me I can’t, I may even tell myself I can’t. But I can!

I’m sure the enemy worked overtime on Joshua that this whole marching and not talking strategy was sure to fail.

BUT HE STAYED IN THE EXAM- Joshua was obedient no matter how odd the assignment was...

Now let’s look at Paul.

We all know Phil 4:13 

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

But look at the verses before and after: 

“Not that I speak in regard to need, for I have learned in whatever state I am, to be content: I know how to be abased, and I know how to abound. Everywhere and in all things I have learned both to be full and to be hungry, both to abound and to suffer need. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. Nevertheless you have done well that you shared in my distress.”

Philippians 4:11-14 NKJV

Verse 14 ends with the word “distress”

Paul is not OK.

If Paul had Instagram he would post 

#TheStruggleIsReal with a photo of him in jail.

Paul is in the center of God’s Will and getting comfort for it?

No.

Paul is in the center of God’s Will and experiencing DISCOMFORT.

But Jesus is there...

Hope is there...

And contentment is there.

-Beautiful -

Paul can admit he is a beautiful mess and share his agony with others.

Paul is choosing to “stay in the exam” not to give up. Paul is choosing to drown out the noise and we are wise to do the same.

I’m so thankful for that little encouragement my colleague gave me years ago 

“Stay in the Bar exam”

Paul’s exhortation is similar- keep running- keep hoping- for He who began that work isn’t finished yet. 

Helper Help Me

Helper Help Me

I say embrace imperfections.

You have heard the saying 

“It is what it is”

I actually say that often. 

“It is what it is...”

But lately I have not been able to pull myself up from my boot straps. 

I’m not perfect.

I have junk drawers filled with clutter. I have way too many receipts in my purse than necessary....

I don’t have a clean oven... 

I don’t even try to look up new recipes...

I just make what I can...

I’m not a perfectionist at all. 

I don’t have anxiety (usually) and I don’t get stressed by a mess in the kitchen, or my kids laundry baskets that are overflowing or even my clients’ cases...

So what gives?

Why the pain, stress and heavy feelings of my overwhelming fatigue and burden of day-to-day life? 

One word- AUTISM

Self talk might go like this:

“cheer up Laura 

Isaac doesn’t have trouble breathing, he doesn’t sit in a wheel chair, or have seizures.

He does not have cancer.

Life is good and you’re blessed.” 

These are things I tell myself all the time.

But lately...it hasn’t been enough.

Although I’m not a perfectionist, I’m overwhelmed with simple things in life.

Autism melt downs lead to 

Parental guilt which leads to 

Caregiver guilt which leads to 

Condemnation which leads to 

Fragile emotional state which leads to, 

Irritability....which leads to lots of crying...and loss of sleep...

Living with autism can make you into a ticking time bomb...

The eruption may not be in the form of curse words or destruction of objects, but a sense of despair. 

“I’m trying hard at this special needs mom thing and I keep failing over and over ...I’ll just surrender. Here’s the white flag. Go ahead and eat ice cream for breakfast, eat the chips off the floor, go to school without brushing your teeth because I have no more “mom energy” to muster.

I’m all tapped out.” 

Holy Spirit help me!

Helper Help me! 

Psalm 61:1-4

“hear my cry, O God;

listen to my prayer.

from the ends of the earth I call to you,

I call as my heart grows faint;

lead me to the rock that is higher than I.

 For you have been my refuge,

a strong tower against the foe.

I long to dwell in your tent forever

and take refuge in the shelter of your wings”

Normally when I’m beat up by circumstances I breathe deeply, spend some time in prayer and read my Bible. I enjoy a warm cup of coffee. This will lift me up, I think...

I text a friend I need prayer. This will lift me up... I ponder.

I’ll put on some music, watch my kids play, taste a yummy desert, talk to my husband.

No no and no

Nothing is working... I just want to stay down and be alone. 

Yup that will do it. I’ll just sit here and sulk.

But I cannot that’s not who God made me to be.

No one is meant to be an island and moms can run but they can’t hide.

So I went to glen ivy and I felt better.

Nope.

Shopping spree? 

No.

Wrote this journal.

Not even.

The one thing that lifted me up?

Here it is: 

The Name of Jesus. 

“There’s power in the Name of Jesus

There’s power in the Name of Jesus...

To break every chain...” 

Jesus Jesus be near me...

Jesus Jesus help me.

Helper, Help Me.

That’s the One.

That’s what lifted me up post autism melt down.

The Name of Jesus.

The Hope of Heaven.

The Promise that this ache in me is there for a reason... 

The Lord reminded me... you don’t feel at home because...

THIS IS NOT YOUR HOME. (John 14:1-2)

I’m homesick for heaven.

Oh how sweet it will be.

But until then, I strap on my armor and hold up my sword and shield.. 

because ....

THIS... 

IS..... 

WAR.....

Eph 6:10-13

Empty is good

When “empty” was good...

Gut the house! 

Get rid of the mold.

Get rid of the “popcorn” ceiling.

Get rid of the old 70s carpet...and all furniture.

The house must be emptied of its contents before it can be renovated right?

““But why do you call Me ‘Lord, Lord,’ and not do the things which I say? Whoever comes to Me, and hears My sayings and does them, I will show you whom he is like: He is like a man building a house, who dug deep and laid the foundation on the rock. And when the flood arose, the stream beat vehemently against that house, and could not shake it, for it was founded on the rock. But he who heard and did nothing is like a man who built a house on the earth without a foundation, against which the stream beat vehemently; and immediately it fell. And the ruin of that house was great.””

Luke 6:46-49 NKJV

Jesus tells us here the wise man must “dig deep” 

First dig a hole, insert the plant, water, fertilize, prune... of course there must be sunlight ... then watch the plant grow.

The renovated house must be gutted.

The seed must die in the depth of soil before growth can burst forth.

Renovation

Plantation 

And Death

It’s painful.

Who wants to be “gutted” out? Not me....

Jesus died and left us the example...but I’m writing this to remind myself (and you)

That emptying of self is painful.

“But we were hoping that it was He who was going to redeem Israel. Indeed, besides all this, today is the third day since these things happened. Yes, and certain women of our company, who arrived at the tomb early, astonished us. When they did not find His body, they came saying that they had also seen a vision of angels who said He was alive. And certain of those who were with us went to the tomb and found it just as the women had said; but Him they did not see.” Then He said to them, “O foolish ones, and slow of heart to believe in all that the prophets have spoken! Ought not the Christ to have suffered these things and to enter into His glory?””

Luke 24:21-26 NKJV

 “But we were hoping that it was He who was going to redeem Israel” 

Hopes are dead

Dreams are dead

Fears suffocate you... 

Empty usually means sorrow...

Empty nest, empty pockets.... 

Empty=silence (like an empty house with a lonely person)

I heard a pastor say....

No student enjoys taking a test.

Tests are hard.

During tests what is the teacher doing?

He is silent... He sits at his desk and watches but does not talk.

This is what Saturday is like... empty silence.

Jesus is IN the fire with us...but at times He is silent. 

Saturday is painful.

Waiting for Sunday is painful.

Being emptying of self is painful- but necessary...

NEW LIFE, RESURRECTION comes soon...

So let yourself break.

Pour it out.

Be emptied.

The tomb was empty because Jesus was  ALIVE.

He is alive.

May we be emptied so His life can spring forth from the deepest darkest places of our soul.

Only then can we be useful for our Father’s kingdom.

Proverbs 13:7

“There is one who makes himself rich, yet has nothing; And one who makes himself poor (ie., empty) yet has great riches (ie., resurrection life). The ransom of a man’s life is his riches, But the poor does not hear rebuke.”

Proverbs 13:7-8 NKJV

Empty tomb/ Risen Lord

Emptied of self/Room for the Spirit to move