Dear Jesus...

Dear Jesus, You alone are God and I wait upon you LORD to show up. I wait upon you God to show us your glory through Isaac's present health issues....

The other day I was really broken. I felt muted. I can't pray, I can't sing. I can't read. I can only cry. When you are sleep deprived and extremely exhausted it is so easy for Satan to sneak in and try to tell you lies like:

"Where is God now?" 

"If the LORD loves you, why has He not done something about this?"

"You have asked many times for 'help' and it has only gotten worse"

I can pray and use Truths to defeat the lies. You know those fancy "anti-virus" softwares that detect viruses on your computer? That is what God's Word does. When you hide His Word in your heart He easily puts up a radar "Virus detected! Do not stop praying or believe that lie. God will never leave you nor forsake you. Keep praying!"

The Holy Spirit is the Helper and "lie-detector."

Feeling extremely depleted I knelt down to pray and first felt very strongly I need to play some worship songs. 

I put one worship song on that was on my heart.

Then for the second song I really just wanted to worship Jesus and not ask for anything.

I put on "Oh Lord You're Beautiful" by Keith Green.

This song is one of my favorites.

If you play the "live" version you will enjoy hearing him share his heart in the beginning....

He talks about how the other night He wrote the LORD a letter. He didn't know where to mail it so he put it in his Bible.

I worshipped. I wept. I literally imagined myself wiping Jesus' feet with my tears. At that moment, I was swept away and remembered how very Holy God is. I too felt like writing a letter to the LORD like Keith Green said. 

There is a show Olivia used to watch: "My Little Pony." This Netflix series is not the original one from the 80s, it's new and she was devoted to watch each and every episode. There was one part I always remembered. It appeared in every episode. You would see a pony vigorously scribbling writing a note. She would write to her mentor saying "Dear Princess Celestia...." and she would share her heart and things going on in her world.

Keith Green poured out his heart to Jesus in a letter. That is exactly what our lives are. They are living epistles read by all men. 

Then, I realized something....

My entire life has been a "Dear Jesus" letter.

The Bible encourages us to pray without ceasing. I think for many this verse seems intimidating or even impossible. 

However, when your life is a "Dear Jesus" letter, it is not so scary to think about praying all the time and with a genuine heart of love for Jesus.

I have been talking a lot to Jesus about Isaac. A LOT. 

Many people already know he has autism. However, there are seasons when autism seems louder than others (that is how Chuck and I describe it anyway).

Lately, autism has been very very loud.

First, special education shut down due to COVID-19.

Second, church, ABA therapy and other gatherings/outings he is used to are shut down due to COVID-19.

He does not understand social distancing or the reason for the shut down.

I genuinely think he was depressed as he would wake up excited and say "School?" Not today son, school is broken I would tell him. I even took him to his school on a week day to show him that it was closed.

Heartbreaking.

Third, he is a pre-teen during puberty. During puberty I have been warned autism gets harder because in stead of rolling his eyes, or smacking his lips or talking back when I ask him to do a chore or talk to him about something, I get pinched, my hair pulled or a bite on the arm. He has been much more aggressive during this summer of COVID-19. 

Fourth, Isaac had his first seizure on July 4, another seizure on Aug. 15, and BAM the MRI discovered a cyst on His brain.

Dear Jesus, Dear Jesus, Dear Jesus...

You see I love words. I have always written little note cards and post cards. I loved to write notes and leave them in Chuck's lunch bag. I would write in my journals at church during Bible study. I write verses that minister to me. I mail a card with a verse to someone who is hurting. I write a thank you note to someone who blessed me. I even felt led by the Holy Spirit to leave a note on a stranger's car with a verse, an invitation to church and a "daily bread." I have written letters to a relative in prison and to friends on mission trips. I want you to know letters are special to me!

There is just something about a letter....

Emails are great. Texts are nice. But a letter specifically hand written for you- sealed with love and a prayer that I believe God uses in my life most.

I now realize my life is a "Dear Jesus" letter. Like Keith Green said. He wrote a letter to the LORD, He didn't know where to put it so He put it in His Bible. 

My Dear Jesus letter (my life story) is full of tears, prayers, woo-hoo praises, highs and lows, and the best part is the story is not over. (Phil 1:16)

At Loma Linda Hospital, all alone because of COVID, just me and my boy in the hospital room, (the Pediatric Intensive Care Unit), I asked God- is this the crescendo? Is this the peak of our story? A cyst on his brain? How can this be a part of Isaac's story and mine (and Olivia's and Chuck's life story) Is there a climax here? A build up to something unusual and amazing? Is there a special turn of events in store for Isaac?

When I asked God this question I did not hear a response.

What I am now hearing is "wait."

2 Corinthians 3:2-3 "You are our epistle written in our hearts, known and read by all men; clearly you are an epistle of Christ, ministered by us, written not with ink but by the Spirit of the Living God, not on tablets of stone but on tablets of flesh, that is, of the heart. 

Dear Jesus, I do not know what you are doing, but I humbly ask for a healing for Isaac. Your mija, Laura

My Neck Hurts....

 July 28, 2019 on a Sunday (bam!) we were rear ended. 

...Might not seem like a big deal for a California freeway but the impact on my body has still not recovered.

My neck hurts.

I have done everything.

Doctor, chiropractor, acupuncture, etc...

This week I realized something... 

Having neck pain affects my prayers. 

I love to bow my head over my Bible, or sit in the backyard and bow to pray.

I have realized now after the 1 year mark of the accident, Satan hates prayer and through this car accident injury my prayer time is more of a challenge than before  ...

When I think on this I become very sad and discouraged. 

However, it has NEVER been about my body (posture) when I pray. Never. It’s all about the One I talk to.

 El Elyon - Almighty Infinite God

I realized my neck hurts and I shouldn’t aggravate the injury by bowing down with eyes closed in prayer as I usually do.

God wants me to look up. Way up!!

Bowing your head is a beautiful symbol of humility. Looking up to me is a symbol of praise, adoration and hopefulness. 

It hurts to bow my neck.

Crazy! 

We must not let any pressure, any health problems, mental distractions, outward circumstances stop us from praying!  

Lessons from Isaac's iPad

Isaac has been using an iPad for years.
One day we noticed something strange.
We would install various apps and he would smile and squeal and play them.
Then suddenly....all of the apps would be gone.
For some reason (remember he has autism and has many many quirky unusual behaviors) he would press the app down, wait for the little "x" in the corner of the ap and then delete the ap.
Then he would get frustrated because we would have to take the iPad away to "re-install" the ap which often takes 5 minutes or more to re-install the ap.

Add the ap, delete the ap, reinstall the ap...
We went on this cycle for a while until we realized something...We could "disable" his ability to delete the aps.

The LORD reminded me how he does this for us. He can both enable and disable things like a parent can monitor a child's use of an iPad.

I cannot navigate trials on my own. I am completely "disabled." The strength ap is deleted when I go through heavy trials and I need help from the administrator.

Jesus is my IT administrator and He gives me a much-needed helper- The Holy Spirit.

Romans 5:1-5
Therefore, having been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom also we have access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and rejoice in hope of the glory of God. And not only that, but we also glory in tribulations, knowing that tribulation produces perseverance; and perseverance, character; and character, hope. Now hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit who was given to us.

I often say this to the LORD when I am going through emotional turmoil. "Jesus I feel like mush. Help, Jesus please help!"

God is not distant from my cries. The LORD is not distant from your cries either. 

He knows you need Him to press the "enable" button and implant not something but SOMEONE - the Holy Spirit- to help you in your desperate times of need. 

When I feel so down and defeated I realize I am trying to "endure" and run this race without the Holy Spirit. I feel disabled for good reason. I need the Helper- the Holy Spirit to enable me to work properly. 

During this COVID19 pandemic, you may feel disabled. You may feel completely shut down and weary...I literally told my husband the other day "I am not running on full bars." 

Sometimes you need a Holy Spirit time out where you reboot and get alone with God and listen. 

Listen to the LORD. I confess this is the hardest part of my prayer time with Jesus. I talk and talk and talk and talk and plead and confess and talk and praise. However, it is hard for me to shush and listen. 

The other day I did just that. I cried out to the LORD and I heard Him. He said to my heart "This is your special assignment. Holdfast." The next day He gave me the word "endure."

You see, I need my Abba Father to hold me. He can help me holdfast. I need to listen like Moses to God say "Stand still. Let me fight for you"

"The LORD shall fight for you, and ye shall hold your peace." Exodus 14:14

As Mandisa sings
"You're an overcomer

Stay in the fight 'til the final roundYou're not going under'Cause God is holding you right nowYou might be down for a momentFeeling like it's hopelessThat's when he reminds youThat you're an overcomerYou're an overcomer"
The only way to be an overcomer is to allow the Holy Spirit to "click" the enable button in your soul. We need the assistance of the Holy Spirit. Without the Holy Spirit we are toast. 



Today I heard an awesome encouragement regarding the word "worry." The word "worry" comes from the British dialect meaning to choke or strangle. 
Another definition of worry means to harass by tearing, biting, or snapping especially at the throat. Finally, to worry can mean to assail with rough or aggressive attack; or to worry means to afflict with mental distress or agitation.

Satan is literally trying to "choke" us with worries.
No! In the Name of Jesus, I give you Jesus power and permission to click the enable button on my heart. Fill me with the Holy Spirit and fight these battles for me!

What a precious lesson from Isaac's iPad and from the Word of God!!! 

Dear Governor Newsom...

Dear Governor Newsom,
I am sure you receive a lot of legal correspondence. Thus, I am also quite sure hearing from yet another disgruntled California attorney does not bother you nor sway your opinions. However, this letter is more for me than for you.

I must share my deep concerns regarding Isaac Gonzalez, a California resident.
First, not only am I an active practicing attorney in the beautiful state of California, but I am also a special needs mother. I am an advocate for my son, Isaac Gonzalez who is a 12-year-old student with autism spectrum disorder.

Please note, I fully understand the concerns for the health and safety of others during this world-wide pandemic and your decision to not allow children to return to school in August for the 2020-2021 school year. My son would have started 7th grade in the special education autism program in a local middle school.

It was recently determined that he qualifies for a very much needed 1-1 aide (or temporary special needs assistant)

The decision to not allow special needs children to attend school is actually hurting them more than the virus or threat of obtaining the virus. In fact, everyone in my household is dramatically impacted by Isaac's requirement to stay home. He is anxious, more aggressive, stressed and he even had a seizure. Our hearts are breaking as his school routine truly helps him thrive.

You see Governor Newsom, there is an "r" word that we fear in our home. The "r" word is regression. Isaac takes several steps back every time he is out of school for any extended period of time. In fact, he was required to start special ed pr-school for children with autism at the age of 3. He is encouraged to attend ESY, Extended School Year (also known as "special ed summer school").

Isaac already regressed from the school shut down in March 2020. He lost skills and he has suffered from severe anxiety. His regression is not due to the pandemic or the threat of the coronavirus, but from the abrupt and now continuous halt of all his public education. His school routine is like medicine for his autism disorder.

I am one person- his mother. In school, Isaac has a personal aide, his specially trained/credentialled teacher, 3 aides to every 1 child in his class, a school psychologist housed at his school site, an Adaptive PE teacher, a speech therapist, an occupational therapist and many other administrative staff to ensure Isaac has all the support he needs.

I am sure this letter will go into your "junk" email box, or correspondence pile to be responded to by a Berkely student intern, however, I felt in my heart I needed to let you know two things.

1. Special education students need to return back to school immediately.
2. You need Jesus as Savior.

Although I am an attorney and an autism mom, neither of these roles define me. My primary identity is as a Christian. I pray for you. I am asking God to reveal His truth to you and for you to realize Jesus is the only vaccine able to cure a sin-infected soul.

This pandemic has affected everyone in California. However, for the California native developmentally disabled children who cannot speak for themselves, I am requesting you consider allowing special ed students back on campus with their teachers and aides and learning supports. My child cannot successfully learn via "zoom" computer sessions with a teacher. 

Regarding my second point, I cannot emphasize this enough: For God so loved the world that He gave His only Son, and whoever believes in Him will not die but have eternal life. These are Jesus' words, not my own.

I prayerfully consider you to think about my concerns not only for my son's well being but for your own well being as a man created by God.

Sincerely,

Laura E. Gonzalez (California resident, attorney, autism mom, and Daughter of God)