Hate and Divorce

Hate is a bad word in our society. I teach my children that it's "bad" and we try not to say it...
But there are some things it's actually OK or permitted by God to hate.
Divorce is one of them...

This topic has been on my heart for weeks and I did not want to blog about it...but after Pastor David's awesome message this morning (Col 3: 18-19, Husbands love your wives and do not be bitter towards them) I feel compelled to share my heart and recent experience counseling with divorced (or soon to be divorced) people.

First, what does it mean to "hate?"
Webster's Dictionary defines hate: a. intense hostility and aversion usually deriving from fear, anger, or sense of injury b : extreme dislike or antipathy.

Well is it true that God "hates" divorce? Yes, it sure is.
Malachi 2:6 says, "For the LORD God of Israel says that He hates divorce, For it covers one's garment with violence," Says the LORD of hosts. "Therefore take heed to your spirit, that you do not deal treacherously."

Matthew 19:3-9
The Pharisees also came to Him (Jesus), testing Him, and saying to Him, "Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for just any reason?"
And He answered and said to them, "Have you not read that He who made them at the beginning 'made them male and female,'
"and said, 'For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh'?
"So then, they are no longer two but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let not man separate."
They said to Him, "Why then did Moses command to give a certificate of divorce, and to put her away?"
He said to them, "Moses, because of the hardness of your hearts, permitted you to divorce your wives, but from the beginning it was not so.
"And I say to you, whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another, commits adultery; and whoever marries her who is divorced commits adultery."

So the Old Testament and the New Testament speak about divorce. Jesus clarified that Moses did not "command" divorce but did permit/allow it only if the reason was for adultery.

Here's what God has been speaking to me about lately. I do practice family law part time. I have handled divorces, child support issues, child visitation issues, child and spousal support, etc.
I have had such a heavey heart and been grieved because divorce and/or marriage problems have happening so much around me!

God has used me to counsel with people and although I am no expert, here is what I have been learning: NO ONE BENEFITS FROM DIVORCE.

The ex-wife ends up spiritually and emotionally hurt and bitter and feeling empty.
The ex-husband ends up spiritually and emotionally hurt and bitter. He feels confused as to why "he has to pay" so much spousal and child support and feels empty and as if he is a failure.
The children end up scarred for life, confused, sad, and left lonely and unsecure. They too feel empty.

I have realized lately that the world, flesh and Satan truly do (in unison) want marriages to end in divorce. Many people walk away from God after divorce. They feel that God didn't heal the marriage, or that God put the wrong person in his/her path and it's His fault the marriage didn't succeed.

I go back to the definition of "hate." I believe in the case of divorce, the reason God hates divorce is #1 it was and is not His plan or intention for people to get divorced and #2 people end up hurt, beaten and bruised from the divorce....The children really are hurt by the divorce.

Jesus said, "The thief does not come except to steal, and to kill, and to destroy. I have come that they may have life, and that they may have it more abundantly." John 10:10

An abundant life is a Jesus life. A life focused on Jesus, centered on Jesus, increasing in the love of Jesus, following the example of Jesus, relying on Jesus. Also, self-denial is necessary for abundant/fulfilling life.

God hates divorce because He sees how it destroys people. This is the antithesis of His goal and intention and purpose to give us abundant life. Does this make sense?

I was thinking about this the other day...I was counseling with someone who's marriage is hanging by a thread. I encouraged her to pray for her spouse and even ask him if she can pray out loud for him. "Have you ever done this?" I asked. "Not really. Maybe a few times." She responded. This is what God showed me. We can't "hate" or harbor bitterness toward someone we are praying for. Remember, the definition of hate relates to "an injury." A wife may begin to "hate" her spouse because he has in her eyes, injured her. So what should she do? Well the world would say, "Just get a divorce. End it. Then you will be happy." But God says lay your life down so that you may gain it back again...God's Word would advise, "Give your marriage to Jesus and surrender yourself to Him completely."

Now of course there are some marriages that end in divorce and the reason may be Biblical...but the point is...it's not God's command. It's only allowed in certain instances.

My heart has been aching and breaking for these people that come to me needing help with a divorce or child support issues, etc.

I am humbled by the way some people choose to take their concerns to prayer, to the throne of Jesus. These people that turn to Jesus during their divorce, or after are indeed made whole (of course there may still be pain from the effects of the divorce). As the scripture says, "He heals the brokenhearted And binds up their wounds." Psalm 147:3.

But God does indeed hate divorce and I must say, I do too. The paperwork and court hearings are a hassle. It's emotionally, physically, spiritually draining. The divorce process hurts God, the husband, the wife, the children, the extended family, co-workers, and any one else that knows the person going through it are affected.

Also, God says the church is His "bride." So an man and woman united in marriage is a picture of Christ and His bride. Christ laid His life down for the church, His bride. Divorce distorts that picture. Isn't that so sad?

If you are married. Pray, pray, pray for your spouse!! (1 Thessalonians 5:17). Pray with your spouse and pray over your spouse. Husbands love (communicate, show emotions) and wives respect (show honor, use kind words, tell him you are thankful he works to provide for the family, give physical/sexual love). Forgive each other and don't bring it up again! Read God's Word together. Read Ephesians 5 and Colossians 3 over and over again. Die to your flesh DAILY. Buy and read, "Love and Respect" by Dr. Emerson and Sarah Eggerichs.

Do whatever you can to invest into your marriage! It's God's design and marriage is intended to be a life-long picture of Christ and the church. Love your spouse as unto the LORD and don't ever allow the enemy to bring the word divorce into your vocabulary.

(PS: You can email me privately if you have a prayer request!)

Finishing Strong

I was reading about King Asa in the Old Testament, 2 Chronicles 14:1-16:14

I was so excited to learn about this great king. He was inspiring me. He heard a word of the LORD through the prophet Azariah. King Asa didn’t just listen…he HEARD and heeded the word and “took courage and removed all the idols in the land of Judah and Benjamin” 2 Chronicles 14:8

King Asa also repaired the altar of the LORD and gathered the people together to offer sacrifices to the LORD. Through King Asa’s obedience, he and the people entered into a covenant with the LORD to seek the LORD with all their heart and soul (2Chron14:12). King Asa agreed to put to death anyone who refused to seek the LORD. God gave him victory over the Ethiopians and Libyans. He even “deposed his grandmother…from her position as queen mother because she had made an obscene Asherah pole. He cut down the pole and broke it up…” 2 Chron. 14:16.

Wow! This King was awesome.

He stood up for righteous in an amazing way! He helped lead the people BACK INTO a covenant relationship with the LORD and even stood up for righteousness against his very own grandmother! What a guy!

Then I read on…He wants to enter into a treaty with the king of Syria. As I read, it doesn’t sound like a bad plan…but as it turns out, King Asa was siding with Syria, a pagan nation and losing His confidence in the LORD. Asa now had confidence in the flesh.

“Oh no!” I thought. “Not another one LORD. Not another person in scripture who turned from
their strong witness to backslide and reject you and your Word.”

As I read on I learned about a seer named Hanani that boldly told King Asa his fate, “Because you have put your trust in the king of Aram instead of in the LORD your God, you missed your chance to destroy the army of the king of Aram. Don’t you remember what happened to the Ethiopians and Libyans and their vast army, with all of their chariots and horsemen? At that time you relied on the LORD and he handed them all over to you. The eyes of the LORD search the whole earth in order to strengthen those whose hearts are fully committed to him. What a fool you have been! From now on, you will be at war.” 2 Chron 16:7-9

My heart ached. See I have asked this SAME QUESTION Hanani asked, “What happened?”

I think it’s the hardest thing to see someone walk away from the LORD. These people are miserable. They know the truth, but they reject the truth. They have seen and experienced God work in their lives but they forget. They know God’s Word but don’t trust in it (or Him) anymore. They have taken their eyes off of God and put it on man.

What do we do? We are puzzled and confused and ask what happened? I believe with all of my heart that part of backsliding has to do with forgetfulness.

In Veggie Tales, Madame Blueberry there is a song that says, “A happy heart is a thankful heart.” Well I would add, “A mindful heart is a trusting heart.”

When we are “mindful” we constantly bring to remembrance those things God has done for us. If we remind ourselves of who God is and what He has done (and will do in the future) there is no room for confidence in the flesh.

You see, the believer remembers, “I once was lost but now I’m found” The backslider acts this way- I was lost, then found, now lost again.

Oh how my heart aches over so many who have fallen away or even those who are just not walking strong in the LORD like they used to. One of the greatest things that grieves my heart is someone who says, “Oh yeah. I have read the Bible. I used to be in small group Bible studies. I used to be in prayer groups….been involved at church, been there done that.”

When people say this it breaks my heart! These people are talking about the PAST. God is not a God of the past! He is not like a magician that pops out of the bottle when we need Him and then goes back into the bottle when things are good or easy. God is the God of yesterday, today AND TOMORROW.

We need to have a mindful heart in order to finish strong.
King Asa was awesome. He renewed the covenant with the LORD. He was bold in his faith. He even rebuked members of his own family for pagan practices. But King Asa didn’t CONTINUE in his faith. He left his faith when he started to forget. He forgot about the victory God gave him. He forgot about all the times God was there for him. He forgot about the joy and peace the nation experienced when God was the LORD and on the throne of their lives.

Yesterday’s faith is not enough.

Look at Spurgeon’s commentary on King Asa’s backsliding:
“The power of Ethiopia [the more difficult trial] was broken before him, and Judah’s armies returned laden with the spoil. You would not have thought that a man who could perform that grand action would become, a little after, full of unbelief; but the greatest faith of yesterday will not give us confidence for to-day, unless the fresh springs which are in God shall overflow again.” (Spurgeon)

See King Asa saw Ethiopia as a nation too great, too big for him and went to God for help. But later, he saw the smaller kingdom of Syria as “no big deal” and decided to handle the problem himself.

I love what Spurgeon said, “the greatest faith of yesterday will not give us confidence for today.”

We have to remind ourselves DAILY of what God has done. Our faith from yesterday WILL grow stale.

Think about it….if you are married, you remember the first time your spouse said, “I love you” but is that enough? No! You want to be reminded about your spouse’s love every day. That’s the point of a relationship...A relationship deepens and grows as you SPEND TIME with each other. The same way, our relationship with God deepens and grows as we spend time in His Word, in prayer, in fellowship and in sharing of the things God has done.

I am saddened by the King Asa’s in my life. I pray for them. We need to also remember that WE TOO can be like King Asa. Seeking God in the big trials, but neglecting God in the small ones…No matter the circumstance, every season, every day we need to pray and stay connected to the vine. (John 15:5)

Have faith and don’t stop praying for people. Not all backsliders end up like King Asa. Keep praying for the backslidden people in your life….remember the prodigal and remember Peter (re-commissioned).

So if our God is so good why do people back slide anyway? Sin, the lust of the eyes, the lust of the flesh, the pride of life, the enemy, the world’s temptations…the list goes on and on…but King Asa’s reason for backsliding was due to pride in his flesh AND forgetfulness. May we remind ourselves DAILY of what God has done so we may finish strong!

Acceptance

It’s back to school time! I am reminded of the first day of school. I always loved fashion so I would think about my first day of school outfit several weeks before the big day…

I would lay out my clothes way in advance! I would even put my accessories (head band, necklace, earrings, etc.) out with my outfit and shoes. I wanted to look my best! It’s the first day of school, eeek! OK. So most people can relate to this…the idea of wanting to look your best and make a good first impression. However, does our need for acceptance of others get in the way of our walk with God?

I have always been the type of person that says, “I don’t care what other thinks of me. I just want to be me.” I always liked funky things. My mom even called me, “My daughter: the bag lady” because I loved vintage clothes. However, my affinity for all things used (yard sale, thrift stores, flea markets) was just an expression of myself right? Well, yes and no. Yes, your clothes and your decisions of how to relate to people is an expression of yourself. But let me ask this question- If you were on an island all by yourself would you shave your legs (for ladies)? For men would you shave your face/beards? Would you worry about how you looked?

I am convinced people make themselves “look” a certain way in large part for acceptance by others.

My point is this. We as social beings want to be accepted by others. We know there are cultural norms we adhere too. A women does not wear a white dress to a wedding, a man does not wear flip flops on a business interview, etc. But those are just silly examples. We know acceptance goes deeper than outer appearance.

Sometimes I feel like I am not accepted by people. I am sometimes rejected by fellow Christians as hyper-spiritual and harsh or critical. I am rejected by the world as religious. I know, I know, Christ’s view of me is the only acceptance I need…but still my emotions sometimes gets in the way. Whenever my spirit and flesh wage war- I PRAY.

I talk to Jesus and I say, “Lord…no one really gets me like you. You are the only one who knows my intentions, you know my thoughts and you know how I want so much to show you my devotion and love without distraction. You know how I want to love others like you do. I mess up daily LORD but thank you for loving me for me. Help me be who you created me to be and to not care of the things of this world.”

Like in Psalm 139, “You have searched me and known me. You know my sitting down and my rising up; You understand my thought afar off. You comprehend my path and my lying down, And are acquainted with all my ways. For there is not a word on my tongue, But behold, O LORD, You know it altogether. You have hedged me behind and before, And laid Your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me; It is high, I cannot attain it.” Psalm 139:1-6

So on this journey, I continue to go confident in Christ and I say to myself, “I don’t care what others think of me. All that matters is God’s view of me”

Then a trial or too comes along to test this…A few months ago I was in a Bible study and I said something…Later I thought. Why did I say that? What was I thinking? What will he/she think? I am so dumb. LORD help me know when to speak and when to be silent.

Then I had another situation where I just felt like my personality was annoying someone. I felt really down. “I am trying to reflect you Jesus. I want to shine for you, but I feel like I just don’t mesh with this person. Why don’t they like me? Help me know LORD how to act and react to this person”

This person doesn’t like me. It made me really sad! I tried to snap out of it…but I kept thinking about it and thinking about it….I was like, “Lord, help me to get over it! I am praying and help me just to love you and enjoy you.”

I started second guessing myself…why in the world is this bothering me? I have never been self-conscious, why all of a sudden all these emotions? I asked God to show me the problem like David. “Search me, O God, and know my heart; Try me, and know my anxieties; And see if there is any wicked way in me, And lead me in the way everlasting.” Psalm 139:23-24)

I had one of those “a-ha” “light bulb” moments. I said to myself “Laura, you really DO care what other people think of you!”

Oh man! I was so upset. I immediately thought of this verse:
The heart is deceitful above all things, And desperately wicked; Who can know it? I, the LORD, search the heart, I test the mind, Jeremiah 17:9-10a

I thought I had this area down! I thought this was an easy area for me. I thought it was easy to care more what God thinks of me. I thought I was like David…content to just play my harp and worship the LORD. I didn’t think I was like Saul always worried about what this person thinks of me or what that person thinks….

But God has really broken me. God has shown me I need to NOT trust my heart and to never be confident in anything (but His Word of course).
(Before destruction the heart of a man is haughty, And before honor is humility. Proverbs 18:12)

God has shown me so many areas where I need to die to myself and allow Him to grow me. God is pruning me big time.

Here are some examples of what God has shown me:
-I do care what my family thinks of me. I want them to believe I am a good mother.
-I do care what my husband thinks of me. I want him to think I am still attractive. I’m not just a wife but I’m his “girlfriend” and companion and friend.
-I do care what my clients think of me. I want to shine for Jesus in my work.
-I do care what my children think of me. I want them to see I love Jesus and I am woman of prayer. (pray first, worry, never)
-I do care what my church family thinks of me. I want them to see that I love them and am there for them in any way God opens a door for ministry opportunities.

This is what God has shown me. God wants me to be a woman after His own heart. In 1 Samuel 13 Saul disobeyed by offering the sacrifice and not waiting for Samuel. Saul was more concerned with what men thought than obeying the LORD. (Pastor David Guzik comments, “Saul was a man after Israel’s heart. He was all about image and prestige and the things men look at. But God will now give Israel a man after His own heart, and raise that man up to be king.”)

It’s not about “being fake” and acting one way in front of one person and another way in front of another person. God wants me to love Him, to ask for His Holy Spirit to guide my heart, to guide my thoughts, my conduct, my speech and my decision making. God wants me to cover every decision I make in prayer (God, should I go to this birthday party? Or am I spreading myself too thin on this Saturday with too many events?) God wants to be intimately involved in all areas of my life, in all relationships!!!!

So I am NOT walking around biting my nails wondering if I look OK, if I behave OK, or if I smiled at that person or not. What I am doing is realizing that how you see people and how people see you matters to God.

Walk with Jesus and allow Him to permeate you and what will happen? Others will see you as a Jesus Freak. That is my life goal-- to be a woman after God’s own heart. If the world, or even other Christians don’t like me, that’s OK. They rejected Jesus too. (Jesus said, "O Jerusalem how I want to gather you like a hen gathers her chicks...") I am more aware now that I am a social person and although I love to be friendly I must be cautious with my friendships. I must be loving to others but honest at the same time…I just need to be like Jesus. My encouragement is this, be careful not to trust in the areas that you think you are strong in spiritually…you will be tested. You will be tested in your weak areas too. Just trust in God, don’t lean on or trust in yourself, don’t even trust your own heart or emotions, and let the Holy Spirit do the rest (Prov. 3:5-6). His acceptance is really all that matters