Searching for Something That Isn't There

The other day my husband was searching for a flight.

He doesn't fly often as he would rather drive to his destination.

However, in this instance a flight was the only way to get where he needed to go in a timely manner. 

He looked for the best deal. He looked at various airports and airlines that were available. He was planning to fly with a buddy.

It was not working out. He stayed up late thinking about it...searching, clicking, researching scrolling...

He and his buddy were texting each other deals, options, and things to consider...

Finally, after many days and time on this, my husband realized there was no way he and his buddy could fly out at the same exact same date and time. There was no flight available that worked for both of them. He was searching for something that just wasn't there.

They say "Que sera, sera" whatever will be will be.

We as believers say "If God wills." "Or Lord willing"

However, sometimes we don't really let it go.

We keep searching and looking and staying hyper-fixated on that "thing" hoping and anxiously imagining that it might be there.

My husband Chuck and I were talking about how much we miss fellowship. We long for the days when we could attend a couple's fellowship night, or attend church together as husband and wife, or go on a "date night" with other couples who love Jesus. 

We also cannot fellowship on the weekends because that is our "navy seals" style mission to help Isaac get through Saturday and Sunday. We need to survive it too!

We literally "can't"

It is not that we are lazy to plan something or we are too tired from being autism parents- we just cannot right now.

Isaac is medically challenged and adjusting to his new anti-seizure meds.

Isaac is also severely autistic and his behaviors are such that we cannot leave him with someone or drop him off at a relative's home.

We used to do this when he was younger. Now Isaac has changed and helpers often quit or get a different job, graduate from college or simply stop coming to help.

Chuck and I said "Maybe we are just searching for something that isn't there" like the flight example.

We have fellowship over the phone which is nice. I am blessed to attend a small group Bible study once a week. 

Chuck works on projects with his dad which is not koinonia, but it is still a healthy outlet for him. 

Chuck also participates on zoom with a group of people who share a devotion every Monday and have prayer on Thursdays. 

However, the desire we have for "in person" dates/outings and "in person" connection with other like-minded believers is just not there for us right now. Not in this season. 

The other day my dear Olivia offered to take Isaac with her to get Boba (he cannot get down from the van of course! Thank you Jesus for drive-through)

An outing-Just Olivia and her brother. 

Chuck and I went on a walk to Starbucks. I cannot tell you how refreshing it was! No interruptions. No autism potty accidents. No melt downs. No dangerous "near injury" scares. 

Just a girl and her guy on a walk.

I thought of Paul while in prison. Of course our situation is NOTHING like that...I am just sharing my heart here!

I thought of Paul and how he longed to personally see the new believers. He wrote about them constantly. He said you are my glory and joy.

Paul missed fellowship too.

"If God permits, I want to come see you." 

1 Thess 2:17-20 reads: 

"But since we were torn away from you, brothers, for a short time, in person not in heart, we endeavored the more eagerly and with great desire to see you face to face, because we wanted to come to you—I, Paul, again and again—but Satan hindered us. For what is our hope or joy or crown of boasting before our Lord Jesus at his coming? Is it not you? For you are our glory and joy."

Paul had a longing too. That's what love does. It longs for connection with God, with our spouse, our children, and of course other believers. Paul was a good pastor/shepherd and he longed for "in person" connection with the saints.

I had a friend who lived in the mission field in Morrocco for many years. I asked her about her experience. She said she loved it! However, she said it was very lonely.

Just this morning I mentioned to Chuck, "Isaac is our mission field."

And I agree. It gets lonely.

I believe that God is up to something and will move these heavy boulders caused by autism for Isaac. We know he is different, disabled and special. We have accepted that. However, we ask in faith for God to lighten the load-To bring respite-To bring help and support/To remove the loneliness or help us endure it, whatever He sees best.

What about you?

Are you longing for something that just isn't there?

Something maybe you have been praying for but God has told you repeatedly that this specific thing is not in His plan for you?

It is hard to surrender.

Read that again!

It is hard to surrender.

It is not that we don't love Jesus.

Love is not the problem.

Our thick skulls are the problem!

My husband kept checking and re-checking flights because he is an excellent problem solver. He has that "can do" let's get this done attitude, which I love.

However, sometimes when we get on our knees, pray, fast and release something to the LORD we might just realize- "It's ok LORD. I see now, I was searching for something that just isn't there for me" and that's ok, because God -YOU are God and I trust that Father knows best.