Some words about my daughter before her special needs brother‘s 18th birthday
Olivia Grace, how I love that name oh how I love that name. You’ve lived a good life the best that we tried to give …. we tried to tell you the truth so that you wouldn’t believe the lies that would undoubtedly be fed to you by the world.
you didn’t ask to be Isaac‘s sister you were born first.
you were the epitome of the easy child
you and I prayed together that Isaac would get better, but then we watched him get worse…
I’ll never forget that one time you were crying in your room Isaac was banging on the wall
The wall that connected your room to his, he was being loud as usual in a language that only he knows.
You wept at the gravity of it all… When you were younger, you were definitely his fiercest advocate at a park or birthday party.
You were always willing to explain to others that he was your brother and that he was different.
The Autism slogan “different not less” doesn’t really match our experience and I don’t believe it matches your experience either as a sibling to Isaac….
you did get less
you got less of our time
you got less of our attention
you got less of our energy
you got less of us…
My heart was crushed when you honestly told dad and I that you felt like you got our leftovers.
They were piercing words, but they were true words.
I always enjoyed our few “autism-free” mommy daughter time, but the reality was those moments would end …but Autism wouldn’t
I never had dreams of you getting lost in the woods, I never had dreams of you dying young.
Those are the kind of dreams that I dreamt about your brother.
I didn’t have to dream for you.
You were living it!
When you got your first pointe shoes when you were cast as Rose when you became the diamond princess
when you passed your AP classes when you learned to drive
when you prayed and read without promptings by me or dad
I would always compliment you & tell you how special and unique you are. I know this is true.
God gifted you in so many ways…
Nobody knows what you endured.
Nobody can prepare a child for something like this. I wish I could say on the day before Isaac’s 18th birthday that you’ve arrived, but I can’t say that because none of us will ever arrive at living this disabled caregiving life.
The scriptures became loud to us
God‘s love became so apparent every 1 to 1 time you and I could have together felt like manna from heaven.
As you’re about to turn 20, this is the one time of year when you and Isaac are one year apart yet it has always felt like you both come from different planets.
You live and navigate the planet of normal when you’re in college, but you have to come back to our reality when you come home to our humble street.
I want to say that I’m sorry you didn’t have a normal childhood, but I can’t say that.
I cannot say that anymore because it is a God-given privilege to have a thorny life.
you’ve been blessed to be Isaac‘s big sister
God used him to help shape you to be caring, loving & other centered and you are a precious young lady after God‘s own heart… there are a lot of things that we have not been able to do as a family of four …but I know that you’ll be able to do those things in your future and I’m grateful. I’m grateful for every time you kept an eye on Isaac so I could take a shower. I’m grateful. I’m grateful for the times when you prayed when my words felt flat or I was too busy crying.
I’m grateful for the way you check in on me and you can tell that I am not OK even when I say that I am.
I’m grateful for the way that you make me laugh. I’m grateful for the way that you bring joy to everyone who knows you
I’m grateful for the fact that you’re a deep thinker and I’m grateful that you are not bitter towards God for Isaac and all of his quirks and otherworldly melt downs.
I love you more than words could ever say and I’m blessed at the young lady you are!
you are so much more than Isaac’s sister for you are Yahweh’s daughter
Thankful to the LORD for the gift of you!
