Tetris Life/Autism Life

When I was in law school, we found an old Nintendo game station and a few games (at a yard sale of course!)

Chuck and I would drive around on any given Saturday in older historic neighborhoods trying to find swirl Bauer pots, vintage items, Mid-Century modern furniture and of course I was always on the look out for vintage costume jewelry.

One day we found a Nintendo gaming console with games! Low and behold included in our find was my favorite Nintendo game of all time- TETRIS!

I can hear the Russian instrumental theme song even as I type my thoughts here on a beautiful Saturday afternoon in May...

*Tetris*

I played when I was younger gal and I was actually quite good.

I was never into crossword puzzles or sudoku, or chess or other video games (like my brother) but I loved Tetris!

When I needed a little break from my weekend law school studies (ie., reading Constitutional Law, Evidence, Civil Procedure, Torts, and other Law school subjects over my 4 year experience in Law School) I gladly found a little fun and relaxation in playing Tetris. 

Fast forward to this very time of my life, 2025;

I just turned 46 and we don't have that beloved Nintendo set any more. (We sold it at a yard sale...)

Now, I am a former Tetris law student junkie who has embraced autism Tetris life. But this game is extreme and results in injury not a flashing "Game Over." 

My Tetris gaming days are far from over.

I play Tetris in my mind every day as I raise Isaac.

I am exhausted. 

It's not fun at all. 

One false move and you gotta start all over but now, the GAME OVER frustration flashes on the screen of my face, GAME OVER flashes over my mind and interrupts my sleep.

This is what I mean...

Why did I do that today?

Why did I ask so-and-so to watch Isaac? I thought it was OK my LORD. I prayed about it, Chuck agreed. What move did I miss?

She did not know all of Isaac's needs. It's my fault!!

I should have prepped her more. I should have handed her a copy of his recent IEP or shadowed her a few more times before leaving her with Isaac all alone.

I goofed. 

One bad move equals weeks of melt downs.

GAME OVER

Tears stream down my face. Head pounding. GAME OVER you lose...

The dreaded R word pops in my mind.

Not retarded, although I do HATE that word.

No the R word in autism land, the language for losing skills or losing abilities is called "regression."

In autism land we notice this trend- kids/adults take one step forward and then one misstep, one false move (like in Testris) BOOM, you take 10 steps back.

"I see regression over the summer months." This is a common statement moms, dads, caregivers, and teachers all say regarding a child's progress. 

If the strict school schedule is changed or altered even one inch, your loved one (in my case, Isaac) will regress. They'll lose skills. They will melt down. They will attack you. (Or some people have self harm, depression, anxiety, and other terrible woes) They might destroy property. They will cry and lament and experience the cycle of grief. There is not enough words to describe what a severe melt down feels like on the inside. This is one reason I am so in love with Jesus. He melts away the pain when I praise and pray His Names out loud.

Christ conquers Tetris. Christ is bigger than autism.

The "hoops" Chuck and I must go through to satisfy Isaac's OCD craving for perfectly orchestrated routine reminds me of the Old Testament laws for animal sacrifice. (see Leviticus 7:2-32, Lev. 1:1-3:17, Lev 5, Exodus 29:10-14, Deut 12:15-25, Leviticus chapter 16 and so many others in scripture)

A lamb without blemish.

You must not be with a woman for a certain number of days.

You must be clean. You must wash your hands a certain way on certain days. 

You must do this and you must do that, if not GAME OVER. Oh, and you must do this over and over, again and again.

Oh. You touch a dead thing? You died. GAME OVER.

Laura, that was the Old Testament. 

We don't have to follow those rules any more. 

But what about today?

We as Christians are called to live a Holy life. 

Here is how a day may go: 

You woke up. Read your Bible quickly (with distracted thoughts). You got impatient with a child or spouse. 

You failed and regression in the mind happens...

You might ruminate like this. 

"Ugh LORD! I failed again. I sinned again with this same mouth. I ruined the day. It's my fault. I know you forgave me last time but will you have mercy on me again, this time?"

Thankfully, in Christ, there are not games to be played, no OCD routines or rituals that must be followed. No tags that must be removed from clothing, or food that must be prepared the same way, at the same time using the same brand.

In Christ there is freedom. (John 8:31-36)

In Christ, there are no calculated moves. Like that Police song, "Every breathe you take every move you make I'll be watching you." Christ is not following us waiting for a misstep or a goof up or a failure to perform. 

Not with Christ. 

He is not watching you with a faster and faster Tetris song and a faster tempo, requiring you to try harder, play faster, think quicker, be more spiritual lest you die and must go back to square one.

Not in Christ.

In Christ, He paid the price.(John 19:30)  He fulfilled Torah. (Matthew 5:17-22)

He was the perfect lamb and His sacrifice was calculated after all. (John 1:29) 

His moves were pre-ordained by the Trinity even before the beginning of time. 

God knew we would sin because our far distant grandparents sinned. Grandfather Adam sinned, and our grandma Eve sinned. We inherited sin. 

Bummer.

But it's more than a bummer. 

We are condemned to death if we do not repent. (Mark 1:15)

However, Christ came to fulfill the law. He won!

In Tetris it's called the "kill screen." It's a Mastery of the Game. You literally can't play anymore. The screen changes completely. 

There are no more levels to conquer. 

No more hoops to jump through. 

No more play. In Tetris (the vintage version) you master the game and it's as if the Computer says "OK buddy. You win. Your skills proved enough"

As Christ followers, we know there are not many noble chosen, Christ chooses the foolish things of the world to confound the wise. (1 Corinthians 1:27-29)

God uses Isaac. 

I have always prayed that God would use Isaac's life.

God uses Isaac to help people see their blind spots. He leads people to see how flawed they are (on the inside). He helps all of us to see that the weak can say I am strong in the LORD. (Joel 3:10)

Isaac has minimal words. However, if you say to him 

"Isaac, Jesus Loves You"

Isaac will respond "so much."

If you tell him "I love you."

He'll respond: "Jesus Loves Me."

Yes, I taught him these things.

But he chooses in his minimal sometimes unintelligible speech to respond.

He even said out loud before. "EL SHADDAI"

He asks daily to hear this song "Sing Your Praise to the LORD" by Amy Grant. 

Although, I grieve and pray and constantly ask God to help alleviate or remove Isaac's anxiety, OCD, seizures, and harmful aggressive outbursts, I do not want God to stop using Isaac.

Life with Isaac IS like Tetris.

But I must preach the Gospel to myself daily.

Christ in me the hope of glory.

God is in this place, Immanuel.

Yes, as an autism mom, I can do my best to minimze anxiety and triggers from Isaac's life, but I cannot do this perfectly. Because LORD, even when I do orchestrate things so seemlessly, Isaac develops a new trigger, or there is a time change, or a day off from school, or new medication to get adjusted to, or a freeway closure or any number of things that throw a curve ball into our chesse match or Tetris autism land life....I trust you Lord. I trust that you have the codes to help Isaac. I am clueless. I will talk to his teachers, doctors, other parents, monitor him and love on him, but only you can calm his anxiety within. You are holy and perfect and I want to be like you, but this is a process of sanctification and you can use anything, even autism melt downs, to assist me in developing humility, compassion, empathy, love and long-long-long and longer suffering. I learn how to embody 1 Corithinians 13. Thank you Jesus that it is all paid in full. Every sorrow, sin, stain and shame was handled on that day when you hung on the tree. 

I can sing: 

"Jesus paid it all, all to Him, I owe. Sin had left it's crimson stain, He washed it white as snow."

Psalm 91- Jesus > serpents and lions

 “He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will abide in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say to the Lord, “My refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust.””

‭‭Psalm‬ ‭91‬:‭1‬-‭2‬ ‭ESV‬‬

“You shall tread upon the lion and the cobra, The young lion and the serpent you shall trample underfoot.”

‭‭Psalms‬ ‭91‬:‭13‬ ‭NKJV‬‬

Psalm 91 must be tucked away in every believer’s heart so close to the chest that you can bring it out often. The other day I was listening to this psalm on audio. I noticed something I had never noticed before. The names of two predators the Scripture specifically mentions to us we are protected from. 

The lion and the serpent. 

These two enemies will not just be defeated scriptures reads that they will be trampled under foot. 

Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour (1 Peter 5:8)

Remember what Satan was doing in the opening scenes of the book of Job. 

“The Lord asked him, "Where have you been?" Satan answered, "I have been walking here and there, roaming around the earth." (Job 2:2)

Satan is prowling like a lion seeking prey. 

In Genesis, Satan is the deceiver, the sneaky snake.

“And I will put enmity

between you and the woman,

and between your offspring[a] and hers;

he will crush your head,

and you will strike his heel.” (Gen 3:15) 

A commentary by Derek Thomas said “With the possible exception of John 3:16, no verse in the Bible is more crucial and definitive than Genesis 3:15” He also mentions that the sneaky garden snake in Genesis “grows in the Bible to be the great red dragon of Revelation 12! The serpent is a murderer and a liar (John 8:44), as well as a deceiver (2 Cor. 11:14; Eph. 6:11).”

Psalm 91 mentions both! 

God (our refuge our shelter) is promising that Satan is already under foot because of the Cross (the life death & resurrection of our LORD).

What a comforting reminder that in those scary dark moments… when monsters lurk around in our lives, when those ugly thoughts try to counsel our minds & doubt Jesus we can look to the Bible and see His promises over & over again that Christ is the Victor! We can feed on His faithfulness & rest under the shadow of His strong wings. What a friend we have in Jesus!   

Dark Chocolate, Dark Morning

 The chocolate is dark, but the morning is darker. 

The sky is bright the world seems calm, but something is wrong something is very very wrong.

The chocolate is dark but the morning is darker still.

We wait, we anticipate. What kind of mood today? Is it the food you ate?

 The chocolate is dark, but the morning is darker. 

Laura, you do not make sense. Morning isn't dark, it's bright sunny and new.

God has new mercies awaiting you.

You don't get it. You are not here to observe.

There are no words to describe it, the dread and fear and lessons we have learned.

 The chocolate is dark, but the morning is darker. 

How can a morning be dark? What is going on inside?

Christ is our hope, He lives and in Him you must abide.

The chocolate is dark, but the morning is darker. 

Christ is our hope, yes, this is true! But why is it so hard to get this through to you?

The chocolate is dark, but the morning is darker. 

We pray and fast, we confess and repent, but the dark eyes and deep sleep, these sighs and pain does not relent.

God is able, we trust Him still, we choose the light who is greater than the darkness, the One who says peace be still.

Yet until heaven we dread darkness that's all around, and a Hershey's kiss is not enough to calm him down...

We beg and plead, we press through the crowd.

We ask seek and knock we don't care if it gets loud.

A momma's heart can wail, soft still tears, or howls in the shower, but who can take away this tormenting dark hour?

The chocolate is dark, but the morning is darker. 

LORD God El Shaddai, Maker Creator Light of the World, You Live forevermore,

I do not know how much more I can endure, how much more I can perform?

Just a little while longer you always say, trust and obey sing songs in the night… I am the way...

Praise Praise Weep Cry and let His Spirit descend upon you granting you peace like a dove

One day you'll be conformed to the Son of His Love

It's not that dark, my daughter, it only feels that way, for in each dark hour, you do not see the fiery darts I shield you from each day.

You are my child, and although you see only dimly and it feels so wretched and sour, 

Keep looking up to Me and trust Me in these morning hours!

Snackish

 My daughter Olivia is funny.

She has never had a sweet tooth.

I would say she has a "savory" or salty tooth.

She loves snacks.

She liked cheez-its, croutons (yes! croutons! Think of it, they are kinda like mini-toasts and really salty), chips, pop corn, pretzels, and pita chips.

She loves snacks. Sometimes she would say to me "Mommy, I am kind of snack-ish right now" 

What does that mean?

I am not really hungry. I just want a little something. A little savory salty snack. 

Maybe this was in between meals?

No not really. Not for Olivia Grace. She could get snackish even 30 minutes after her meal. She just enjoys snacks.

In our life and walks with Jesus we are called to feast on His daily bread.

In the Old Testament, God (Yahweh) provided the mana from heaven. 

He abundantly and supernaturally supplied the means for them to stay alive. There was no CostCo, WalMart or local Sprouts in the Wilderness as they wandered. Bread was and still is a staple food. They needed bread or something similiar to live.

God provided manna which translates "what is it?"

I love this because our daily bread can be so unusual we can say the same thing today in 2025 to our LORD, what is this daily bread you provided for me today? I'll eat it LORD, but it sure is strange!!!

I am reading through the Gospel of John now in my One Year Bible plan. In fact, today's reading selection from May 19 blew my mind (2 Samuel 9- David shows kindness to Mephibosheth; Psalm 65- Beautiful encouragement from David; and then John 6:1-21 Jesus feeds the 5,000)

The people were listening intently to Jesus (See John 6:1-21) and Jesus asks the disciples "Where are we to buy bread, so that these may eat?"

The scripture clearly says that this was a probing question to test them.

I must confess. I do not always enjoy tests.

I failed my driver's permit test the 1st time (embarrassing, I thought it was easy and I studied but I failed)

I did horribly on my SAT test.

I failed one of the California tests required of lawyers (the MPRE) the first time I took it and had to re-take it. 

I was so stressed about the LSAT test I took one of those fancy over-priced prep courses and did not score well (I knew this was gonna happen!)

But by the grace of God (LITERALLY, by the grace of God and a lot of manic Bar prep) I passed the California Bar exam the first time- alll God (that is another story for another blog)

I am NOT a good test taker at all.

Unlike my brother Anthony who is a genius. He can pass a test without even studying the course "It's easy Laura. Just use logic and deductive reasoning" That works for you my brother, but not for me. I gotta study my tail off!

Back to Jesus and His loyal disciples.

This was a test and they did not get it.

They saw a miracle.

He fed everyone and there was left overs.

The best bread! The saltiest fish! The most savory delicious meal and where did Jesus get this from?
He is Creator God-Elohim- He created it! On the spot. He did a miracle.

God asks us. Where do you go when you are "snackish"?

Those vending machine snacks are horrible.

Famous Amos cookies? Yes

Cheetos? Yes

M & M's? Yes

Twinkies? Yes

Taki's? Yes

All of these snacks can be found in a vending machine. No prep time. No refrigerator needed. All you need is a bit of hunger (or boredom) and some money and voila! You will be filled.

True?

Actually, the correct answer is False.

These snacks do not fill us up.

My daughter Olivia would come to me on que and say "Mom. Thank you for the pretzels. But for some reason, I'm still hungry! I'm not full. Something is wrong with me Momma. I can't ever get full."

She is truly one remarkable daughter indeed.

Wise beyond her years.

The reason she is not getting full is that those snacks are actually designed to leave you unsatisfied. You can't eat one chip. Try it! I dare you. Or one M & M. They leave you wanting more. But sadly, these snacky-snacks are not real food, they are "snacks" filler foods, intended to satisfy a quick hunger pain but they are not equal to breakfast lunch or dinner.

God wants us to feast on Him. Feed on Him. Enjoy Him. Get your napkin ready, your water in place, because we are dining tonight! Even communion is a feast.

When we go to God's Word, we obtain all we need for life and Godliness. The problem? We want snacks! We want quick fix. Filler snacks. We want a quick salty or a quick sweet and that dumb hunger pain will all go away. But this is a lie from Satan.

Snacks can also be a symbol of sin.

If we are spending all night scrolling on social media, or watching TV and we never even think to pray, or read or meditate on God's goodness, we will end up feeling "snackish" in the morning. Then we are snackish tomorrow and the next day and the next.
We live a very unsatisfied life.

I love a musician named "Morrissey." On May 3 Olivia and I were all set to see him sing in concert. We had our t-shirts on, stub-hub tickets ready and we made the 1 hour drive to some weird venue to see my favorite singer.

We get there and I learned the venue is located within a casino. It was gross. There were bodies altered by plastic surgery, there were people eating and laughing at expensive restaurants, there were people sitting at bars watching sports games, and of course, the sights sounds and addiction of oppulent spending at the slot machines and poker tables. 

We run up to the venue and they say "Sorry. The concert is cancelled. Morrissey is in the hospital. The concert will be postponed to another date"

I could not believe it! I turned around trying so hard not to cry. I immediately feel the hot tears stream down my face. Poor Stephen Patrick Morrissey. He must be really ill! I cried silently looking at all the sights and sounds as we exited this casino that reaked of cigarettes.

I cried silently in the car too. 

But God taught me something really, really valuable. 
All of those people gambling, eating, getting drunk, staring at slot machines and giving their money to the "get rich quick" gods, all the idols in the building...God stirred my heart to pray not just for Morrissey but for everyone in that casino.

They were all "snackish." They wanted a little savory snack from the vending maching. I'll put in my quarters and voila! I'll have a snack and feel full.

"Mommy, Why don't I get full? Something really is wrong with me!"

All of those years watching my sweet girl eat her treats has taught me this valuable lesson.

The well of God's love is deep. The food on God's table is endless and it is REAL organic, natural, delicious food. Thanksgiving times ten. God is the author and finisher of our faith.

Taste and see that the LORD is good!

God does not design us to snack on the world and see that it is empty. 

The world's snacks do not satisfy us. They leave us actually feeling more hungry or worse! We get a stomach ache. 

When we sin, (and we do daily) we must repent and confess and go back to the Cross.

We need to go to God for our fulfillment. Not social media. Not a pay check. Not entertainment. Not TV. Not a fun vacation. Not coffee. Not a great work out at the gym. Not a 4.0 on our report card. Not a weight loss plan. Not even a new church.

These things are not inherently bad. They become bad when we make them little gods and we get all snacky over them.

We must feast on God's Word daily. His bread is bread indeed.

As Jesus said "Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness for they shall be filled."

Are you full?

Are you satisfied in life?

Only Christ and His Word can satisfy the ever so "snack" soul. Christ never leaves us longing for more like a craving for snacks. No. Christ does giving us a longing- but this craving is for more of Him. And more of Him always fills us up to the overflow!

Sunday storm is comin...it's comin for you

 Here we are again!

Oh no what do we do?

The Sunday storm is comin, it's coming for you.

The Sunday storm is comin, it's comin, it's making it's way through.

Oh this is easy. Get a baby sitter they said.

You have no idea.

You have zero understanding.

These are the thoughts in my head.

My son is special, unique and wonderfully made.

He is made by the Creator, the Ancient of Days.

Yet on planet earth, the Sunday storm is coming, it's coming for you...

He doesn't like weekends, there is not enough structure. 

He can't understand "do not forsake the assembly of the saints"

He just wants to eat breakfast lunch and he has a hard time with "wait"

The Sunday storm is coming...

We have exhausted all resources. We've asked relatives friends and trained people too.

There is just no one available to watch a teen with aggressive behaviors like you..

The Sunday storm is coming...it's making it's way through.

It is definitely worth it. Dad and I need Sabbath, we need to enter the house of the LORD.

We are sorry at home waiting for us, you have become extremely bored.

We want you to be loved. We want you to be grafted in.

What happened to you is not your fault, you did not ask for this, you did not sin.

Dear Jesus, you are the LORD. You are the LORD of the Sabbath, Monday-Saturday too.

Jesus we love you, but in this situation, we do not know what to do!

We need your guidance. We need a helper. We need a caregiver who can help care for him on Sundays.

We know you are Jehovah Jireh and nothing is hard from your side...

LORD God, this need is a must. 

I know you understand for a Storm came for you. You bled and died...all over the ground there was blood.

You wept in the Garden of Gethsemene, your grief was a flood.

You keep us in your care. You watch over Isaac's unique needs...too....

The Sunday storm from your perspective was a Mighty Breakthrough...

You heal.

You wound.

You take care of the birds of the air.

Forgive me for thinking the Body of Christ ignores Isaac-as if no one cares.

Abba Father, I beg you. I have asked you, I seek, knock and pray all the way through.

One day in heaven we'll worship together and Isaac will be there too.

I don't want to dread these meltdowns. For the truth is, they are not isolated to Sundays alone.

We know you have a solution, we know you hear these prayers from your royal throne.

Help

Help

Help

Holy Spirit!

Help us on this Holy Lord's Day!

For we desire to sit together and worship and not be distracted in anyway.

We love you LORD Jesus and this is the Truth most of all.

For Isaac is a blessing and serving him is a holy call.

We need your guidance to navigate these complex layers to our son; 

Until then we rest and rely on your grace, because from your side of reality the battle is already won. 

oops- did my brokenness splash onto you

Oops!

It was an accident.

Did my brokenness spill on to you?

Here let me wipe my tears from your shirt, I truly did not mean to.

Oops, did my brokenness splash onto you?

I tried to hold it in.

I do not wish discomfort upon you.

I tried to behave, smile and wave.

Did my sadness spill over to you?

You could sense it. 

"She's upset. Something is really very wrong."

But I dare not sing to you my sad sobby song.

Oops, did my brokenness splash onto you?

You looked so happy you enjoyed the family celebration.

I sure do wish this pain would just fly away and take a vacation!

Did my hurt splash onto you?

Did my brokenness kill your vibe?

I try so hard day in and day out.

I cry, I lament, I praise, stomp and shout. 

It comes on without warning. 

A harsh word, an awkward glance, this fatigue is all over my face I know it to be true.

But my friend, I promise, I promise, I did not intend for this yuck to splash onto you.

I'll grab a towel. I'll grab the vacuum; I'll call for a clean up crew. 

But kindly you remind me "He is King, don't stay feeling defeated, the Cross is enough for you."

Finally! Some one gets it. 

I don't need a meal or piece of apple pie.

I need someone with me I don't need another awkward "why oh why?"

Did my sad visage splash onto you?

I truly did not mean to change the atmosphere. 

As you can see, I don't walk around in black or neglect my hair or face.

But truly this pain, does hang around my neck, like a sign of disgrace.

I love big, I hurt big, I often pray big too.

This brokenness is not too much for Jesus He died for this awkward life too. 

Thank you for listening; Thank you for choosing to stay.

Hold on my friend, one day it will be my turn to wipe your tears away. 

It's Hard to Stay Mad At You

 It's Hard to Stay Mad At You

By Laura Gonzalez

(An Honest Lament Poem)

It's hard to stay mad at you...

I'm only a few inches shy of five foot tall...

You were so tiny and innocent, no blemish at all...

Your story pre-told, God wrote it in His Book,

by only a few years old... We all took a second look...

Quirky different, no speech, no words like others...

You climbed, jumped, and stimmed...and to Olivia, she noticed you behaved unlike other brothers...

It's hard to stay mad at you...

You don't understand, you are not my little boy any longer...

You are as strong as a man...

Morrissey sang "16 clumsy and shy" but he doesn't understand...the bitter pain in my eyes...

The red hot tears...

The mascara that is pointless-it just drips and smears...

Still, it's hard to stay mad at you...

I love you regardless, my love is here to stay;

I sobbed and sobbed I though loving you through the behaviors was the way...

I loved hard; 

I lamented long...

I look in the mirror and see I was all wrong...

I was wrong for not giving you tough love, STOP, don't bite;

I wimped out and gave in "Here's the cookie. Just stop perseverating alright?"

It's never enough; Your appetite is large; 

My love is like an ocean consumed by a rusty barge;

It's hard to stay mad at you...

My hair loss not from cancer or some other disease...

Gobs of hair on the floor, my soul not at ease...

Yet even through "Super Man Sized" melt downs, it's hard to stay mad at you...

Mad is not my go to emotion, my face is not red from disdain...

My cheeks are flushed in aguish; my soul wrecked in pain...

It's hard to stay mad at you...

People ask

Was it vaccines?

Was it my breast milk?

Was it something in the air?

People think a demonic spirit is in you...

But say it out loud, they don't dare.

It's still very hard to stay mad at you...

I'm at a loss, nothing more to say or do...

I'll sit through the very long IEPs, with my eyes only on you...

On your skin, hair, eyelashes and the words never said...

You know Laura this is not sustainable, put him in a home and get

take care of yourself they said...

But my son, your home is not a house with a roof and four walls...

You dwell in heavenly arms by our God who wears the scars...

Christ will never be mad at you...

January is your birthday month...

The words "happy birthday" we dread for you want goodies now and concepts like "time" you'll never respect...

(or understand for that matter) 

We love you.

We hope for you.

We pray and plead..,,but angry at you is not something my heart can't conceive...

Dearest Isaac, it's not your fault. 

My heart breaks at the memory of the cyst on your brain scan...

Please God heal Isaac's distraught mind for there is glory Jesus to be had!

Yes glory glory you'll one day receive, Christ Jesus from this autism land...