Clean house Lord!

My mom hates spiders.

Hates. 

Loathes.

She despises and fears them. She does not accommodate spiders at all. 

It’s quite funny. 

If she sees a spider she’ll scream loudly and wake up the entire neighborhood.

Spiders do bite and they have venom and none of us want to ever come even a mile from a brown recluse. 

This month (at the time of this blog post) is October and there are pumpkins, skeletons, ghosts and creepy decorations all over the neighborhood- including yes, spiders and spider webs. 

I live in a neighborhood with old-growth trees and vines and I have noticed more spiders lately. 

I have cleaned a few webs in my home because where there is a web, you know a spider lives nearby too. 

I thought spiders make their homes in dark places like attics, barns, garages or around trash cans. This is not the only place spiders congregate. They can get cozy in your home- in plain sight. 

I was pondering this the other day and I thought about the stigma spider webs have “inside” a home. You imagine the homeowner who never dusts, never cleans or doesn’t even move around much in the home.

This is not true at all. I have an entryway that is one of the most frequently used areas of the home and yet high in a corner- there is a spider web. 

The Lord has been teaching me a lot about pruning. In John 15, He reminds us He is the vine and we are the branches. If we stay connected to Jesus and allow Him to care for us, water us, grow us and yes also prune us, then we will bear much fruit.

Back to spider webs...

Spider webs are unsightly and again they make your house look “unkept” or neglected. In this spooky season people think spider webs are even kind of creepy and they are associated with fears and fright. 

Jesus is the vine, but He is also our housekeeper.

"Not so Lord!" You may say

"Please do not come over and clean my house! Oh no Jesus! Don’t look under the bed! Don't Jesus please look in that messy cupboard. Please Jesus don't peek around my porch, under the sink, by the toilet or around the trash cans! It’s yucky there! King Jesus-you are my guest!" 

You see when guests enter my home I want the guests to relax, enjoy food, talk with the family and just be comfortable. 

As you read and study Jesus in the Gospels, you will notice Jesus always always cleans house! 

He corrects you (like the Mary and Martha story)

He sits with you in your home (like Zachaeus) 

He eats with you and spends the early mornings and late nights with you (like with the 3 years with the disciples) 

He’ll turn over the money tables (and check for spiders- just kidding!!) 

He’ll wash feet and then .... He’ll even allow you to wash His feet with your tears.

Home=intimancy.

Jesus is the real deal and He won’t let spider webs interrupt His time with you. Jesus is so holy and pure He won’t ignore the spider webs either. He’ll grab a towel or dust wand and get rid of each and every spider web. 

Why?

Jesus loves us.

Jesus is not content with a partially clean house or a partially clean heart... (Psalm 51)

He wants it all ...Jesus wants you. Jesus wants you to give Him the corners and messy spots of your heart, but He desires you to give Him access to these areas willingly...

Having someone offer to clean your home or offer to tidy an area that you have neglected is a little bit uncomfortable and might be downright embarrassing... 

We need to let Jesus clean.

We need to give God all the keys to the house.

We need to give Jesus all of the passwords to our phone our Internet our computer and any other device we have.

You see, as humans, we can ignore those cobwebs or spiderwebs....

We can say it’s not really a big deal.

Since God is holy, He won't let those sinful areas build up. 

God is pure. 

God is beautiful. 

God is awesome and He is the master gardener and housekeeper and He's the architect and designer of our life. 

I pray when we are in a pruning season, we would allow Him to take the swiffer, grab the vacuum,  take the pledge can and any cleaning tool He desires, and scrub away all of the things in our hearts and in our lives that are not pleasing to Him.

Like the entryway of my house, there might be spiderwebs in plain sight that Jesus wants to get rid of. We need to get over ourselves, yield to Him and let Him do the cleaning.

I pray this encourages you to not be embarrassed by those "dusty" spider web areas of your life or heart but to recognize that Jesus wants these areas too. 

He wants to prune us, clean us, and finally to present us as a spotless bride radiant and prepared for His Father. (Eph 5:27) 

Car Tears

 Car tears 

I want to share something that I rarely share:

I LOVE PEOPLE.

Just kidding- pretty much everyone knows that...

Seriously though, I do wish to share something that I have not talked about publicly...

At our former church there is something that happened after every service we the Gonzalez family endured. 

Actually, I endured it.

Here’s the backstory: 

I do love people!  I love everything about people. I love catching up with you. I love to see your smile I love to complement you on your outfit.

I love to hear how you’re doing I love to encourage you and pray with you.

As Christians we call time together in Jesus “fellowship.” 

Since I am a talker and a “sharer” it is a great highlight for me to dialogue, converse, laugh and share time with believers. In my older years, I even love connecting with those who are hurting. If I see someone across the way who I can tell is hurting... I may feel prompted by the Lord to go over there and pray with you or ask how I can help in anyway....

Isaac has autism and he loves doughnuts. After church we would allow him to have a doughnut. However it became a problem. Isaac would run over to the doughnut table cut the line or even try to touch the doughnuts. 

He became so obsessed with this after church service we had to stop it.

I did not want him touching anyone’s doughnut or touching the tray of doughnut. This is part of autism- it’s hard for him to keep his hands to himself.

Another problem is eloping. 

With autism, kids like run. 

You might not know why they do this. Isaac‘s brain does not work like our brains do. He elopes because he has that fight or flight feeling that he must get that thing that he really wants. He doesn’t understand danger or impulse control so if he wants something he will run until he gets it.

Isaac would often run to the bookstore to go look at the VeggieTales DVDs. It would be so hard to get him back into the car to go home. It would be so difficult to help him understand that even though he already owned each and everyone of those VeggieTales DVDs the items at the store do not belong to him and he cannot have them. 

It became yet another problem.

So here comes the piece that I have not shared with many people ever...

After church after the service was over during the fellowship time I would walk to the car and sit in the car with Isaac. 

Chuck often had a ministry related commitment and Olivia would enjoy a doughnut and sit and talk with friends or wait for daddy. 

I would sit in the car with Isaac and wait. 

I would try my best not to turn around and look at all my friends with their normal kids catching up, laughing fellowshiping. 

We did this routine many times many Sundays for many years.

No one knew that I was in the car with Isaac just sitting there... longing to fellowship but knowing that I could not. 

The only people who knew were Olivia and Chuck. They would try their best to hurry to the car so we could all go home and eat breakfast together as a family.

Just this morning at 5 AM the Lord reminded me of these after church lonely moments in the car with Isaac and myself.

Sometimes I would cry but mostly I would just look at my Bible study notes or look at my phone or listen to the radio.

It just became the routine for us- for our family. 

Even now, when I do have time to fellowship it’s very hard to stay engaged because I always have to worry about Isaac. Is he OK? Is he harming the caregiver? What if he has a seizure?

I’m not a “what if” kind of gal ... but ever since Isaac started having seizures the enemy will use these thoughts to try to drown out the joy of fellowship.

I cannot tell you the thrill I get when my husband says “don’t worry about Isaac I got him take as long as you want.”

I was able to get my hair done by a sister in Christ who I love dearly. We prayed talked, listened to worship, cried and I was able to have her anoint me with oil. 

With the new revelation that Isaac has a cyst on his brain I have been crying a lot. And it’s often in my car. 

I have cried in my car after dropping him off at school I have cried in my car driving home. I have cried in my car after hearing a voicemail from the nurse at his school. I have cried in my car after hearing a voice message that I need to pick him up from school for some other circumstance related to autism. I have cried in my car when it’s just Isaac and I (all alone) and I’m listening to worship trying to forget about Autism for a moment. I have cried in my car many, many, many times. 

Car tears.... 

The autism mom life is super lonely. It is a very distracted life and is not a life I planned for and it is not the life that I am “owning” as my main identity.

I have been crucified with Christ and it’s no longer I who live but Christ who lives in me. (Gal 2:20) 

I pray out loud often “Jesus take the wheel.”

When I’m crying in my car Jesus is taking the wheel. I give him my tears I give him my pain, I give him my hopes and my dreams. The last few years the last few months especially it has been very painful excruciating -agony.

I don’t want my son to have autism. 

I don’t want my son to have seizures. 

I don’t want my son to have a cyst on his brain. 

I don’t want my son to bite or pull the hair of my family or caregivers. 

I do want to stay after church and fellowship and laugh and pray with people. 

God is giving me this unique opportunity to be a mom and caregiver to Isaac. I am a wife to Chuck a mom to Olivia. 

We often say that our family is the first ministry. 

I hope that this part of my testimony will encourage you that YES our family is our first ministry. I’ve had to say NO to many many birthday parties and celebrations knowing that Isaac can’t attend. 

I’ve had to say no to many breakfast events,  lunches, brunches, overnight events, women’s events, mom’s night out, fun times, Beach trips, prayer meetings. I’ve had to say no to a lot of things but I will never say no to Jesus. 

If Jesus gave me this assignment of raising Isaac then I know that my saying no to some fun fellowship events is a choice. I’m not trying to get pity or anything like that I’m just sharing my heart that when God gives you an assignment we must count the cost and trust God with every part of that assignment even the hard parts. 

Once again, no one knew about my car times after church....Sitting alone with Isaac. 

I didn’t complain about it and I’m not complaining about it now. 

I’m just sharing that it was something I had to do that I didn’t want to do. 

I wanted to be out of my car sitting next to my son and daughter talking with friends enjoying fellowship under the sun while holding a Bible and meditating on the things of God. 

Autism makes even sitting with a doughnut and a cup of coffee hard. But that doesn’t mean I don’t get close to Jesus. 

I have chosen to be creative with fellowship. 

I’ve had prayer times with people over the phone. I’ve had people come over and pray with me while my eyes are open as I’m looking at Isaac swim. ....while I am crying worshiping and enjoying the prayer time. 

Life can be messy and the autistic life is especially messy and chaotic but I will continue to cry in my car and say Jesus take the wheel and let him drive me all the way to heaven.... I know there will be a marriage supper with Jesus in heaven and Isaac will be there too and he won’t be running away he will be sitting and enjoying the meal and I can’t wait for that day  ! 

(See also Eph 3:13-20 ) 

Dear Jesus...

Dear Jesus, You alone are God and I wait upon you LORD to show up. I wait upon you God to show us your glory through Isaac's present health issues....

The other day I was really broken. I felt muted. I can't pray, I can't sing. I can't read. I can only cry. When you are sleep deprived and extremely exhausted it is so easy for Satan to sneak in and try to tell you lies like:

"Where is God now?" 

"If the LORD loves you, why has He not done something about this?"

"You have asked many times for 'help' and it has only gotten worse"

I can pray and use Truths to defeat the lies. You know those fancy "anti-virus" softwares that detect viruses on your computer? That is what God's Word does. When you hide His Word in your heart He easily puts up a radar "Virus detected! Do not stop praying or believe that lie. God will never leave you nor forsake you. Keep praying!"

The Holy Spirit is the Helper and "lie-detector."

Feeling extremely depleted I knelt down to pray and first felt very strongly I need to play some worship songs. 

I put one worship song on that was on my heart.

Then for the second song I really just wanted to worship Jesus and not ask for anything.

I put on "Oh Lord You're Beautiful" by Keith Green.

This song is one of my favorites.

If you play the "live" version you will enjoy hearing him share his heart in the beginning....

He talks about how the other night He wrote the LORD a letter. He didn't know where to mail it so he put it in his Bible.

I worshipped. I wept. I literally imagined myself wiping Jesus' feet with my tears. At that moment, I was swept away and remembered how very Holy God is. I too felt like writing a letter to the LORD like Keith Green said. 

There is a show Olivia used to watch: "My Little Pony." This Netflix series is not the original one from the 80s, it's new and she was devoted to watch each and every episode. There was one part I always remembered. It appeared in every episode. You would see a pony vigorously scribbling writing a note. She would write to her mentor saying "Dear Princess Celestia...." and she would share her heart and things going on in her world.

Keith Green poured out his heart to Jesus in a letter. That is exactly what our lives are. They are living epistles read by all men. 

Then, I realized something....

My entire life has been a "Dear Jesus" letter.

The Bible encourages us to pray without ceasing. I think for many this verse seems intimidating or even impossible. 

However, when your life is a "Dear Jesus" letter, it is not so scary to think about praying all the time and with a genuine heart of love for Jesus.

I have been talking a lot to Jesus about Isaac. A LOT. 

Many people already know he has autism. However, there are seasons when autism seems louder than others (that is how Chuck and I describe it anyway).

Lately, autism has been very very loud.

First, special education shut down due to COVID-19.

Second, church, ABA therapy and other gatherings/outings he is used to are shut down due to COVID-19.

He does not understand social distancing or the reason for the shut down.

I genuinely think he was depressed as he would wake up excited and say "School?" Not today son, school is broken I would tell him. I even took him to his school on a week day to show him that it was closed.

Heartbreaking.

Third, he is a pre-teen during puberty. During puberty I have been warned autism gets harder because in stead of rolling his eyes, or smacking his lips or talking back when I ask him to do a chore or talk to him about something, I get pinched, my hair pulled or a bite on the arm. He has been much more aggressive during this summer of COVID-19. 

Fourth, Isaac had his first seizure on July 4, another seizure on Aug. 15, and BAM the MRI discovered a cyst on His brain.

Dear Jesus, Dear Jesus, Dear Jesus...

You see I love words. I have always written little note cards and post cards. I loved to write notes and leave them in Chuck's lunch bag. I would write in my journals at church during Bible study. I write verses that minister to me. I mail a card with a verse to someone who is hurting. I write a thank you note to someone who blessed me. I even felt led by the Holy Spirit to leave a note on a stranger's car with a verse, an invitation to church and a "daily bread." I have written letters to a relative in prison and to friends on mission trips. I want you to know letters are special to me!

There is just something about a letter....

Emails are great. Texts are nice. But a letter specifically hand written for you- sealed with love and a prayer that I believe God uses in my life most.

I now realize my life is a "Dear Jesus" letter. Like Keith Green said. He wrote a letter to the LORD, He didn't know where to put it so He put it in His Bible. 

My Dear Jesus letter (my life story) is full of tears, prayers, woo-hoo praises, highs and lows, and the best part is the story is not over. (Phil 1:16)

At Loma Linda Hospital, all alone because of COVID, just me and my boy in the hospital room, (the Pediatric Intensive Care Unit), I asked God- is this the crescendo? Is this the peak of our story? A cyst on his brain? How can this be a part of Isaac's story and mine (and Olivia's and Chuck's life story) Is there a climax here? A build up to something unusual and amazing? Is there a special turn of events in store for Isaac?

When I asked God this question I did not hear a response.

What I am now hearing is "wait."

2 Corinthians 3:2-3 "You are our epistle written in our hearts, known and read by all men; clearly you are an epistle of Christ, ministered by us, written not with ink but by the Spirit of the Living God, not on tablets of stone but on tablets of flesh, that is, of the heart. 

Dear Jesus, I do not know what you are doing, but I humbly ask for a healing for Isaac. Your mija, Laura

My Neck Hurts....

 July 28, 2019 on a Sunday (bam!) we were rear ended. 

...Might not seem like a big deal for a California freeway but the impact on my body has still not recovered.

My neck hurts.

I have done everything.

Doctor, chiropractor, acupuncture, etc...

This week I realized something... 

Having neck pain affects my prayers. 

I love to bow my head over my Bible, or sit in the backyard and bow to pray.

I have realized now after the 1 year mark of the accident, Satan hates prayer and through this car accident injury my prayer time is more of a challenge than before  ...

When I think on this I become very sad and discouraged. 

However, it has NEVER been about my body (posture) when I pray. Never. It’s all about the One I talk to.

 El Elyon - Almighty Infinite God

I realized my neck hurts and I shouldn’t aggravate the injury by bowing down with eyes closed in prayer as I usually do.

God wants me to look up. Way up!!

Bowing your head is a beautiful symbol of humility. Looking up to me is a symbol of praise, adoration and hopefulness. 

It hurts to bow my neck.

Crazy! 

We must not let any pressure, any health problems, mental distractions, outward circumstances stop us from praying!  

Lessons from Isaac's iPad

Isaac has been using an iPad for years.
One day we noticed something strange.
We would install various apps and he would smile and squeal and play them.
Then suddenly....all of the apps would be gone.
For some reason (remember he has autism and has many many quirky unusual behaviors) he would press the app down, wait for the little "x" in the corner of the ap and then delete the ap.
Then he would get frustrated because we would have to take the iPad away to "re-install" the ap which often takes 5 minutes or more to re-install the ap.

Add the ap, delete the ap, reinstall the ap...
We went on this cycle for a while until we realized something...We could "disable" his ability to delete the aps.

The LORD reminded me how he does this for us. He can both enable and disable things like a parent can monitor a child's use of an iPad.

I cannot navigate trials on my own. I am completely "disabled." The strength ap is deleted when I go through heavy trials and I need help from the administrator.

Jesus is my IT administrator and He gives me a much-needed helper- The Holy Spirit.

Romans 5:1-5
Therefore, having been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom also we have access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and rejoice in hope of the glory of God. And not only that, but we also glory in tribulations, knowing that tribulation produces perseverance; and perseverance, character; and character, hope. Now hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit who was given to us.

I often say this to the LORD when I am going through emotional turmoil. "Jesus I feel like mush. Help, Jesus please help!"

God is not distant from my cries. The LORD is not distant from your cries either. 

He knows you need Him to press the "enable" button and implant not something but SOMEONE - the Holy Spirit- to help you in your desperate times of need. 

When I feel so down and defeated I realize I am trying to "endure" and run this race without the Holy Spirit. I feel disabled for good reason. I need the Helper- the Holy Spirit to enable me to work properly. 

During this COVID19 pandemic, you may feel disabled. You may feel completely shut down and weary...I literally told my husband the other day "I am not running on full bars." 

Sometimes you need a Holy Spirit time out where you reboot and get alone with God and listen. 

Listen to the LORD. I confess this is the hardest part of my prayer time with Jesus. I talk and talk and talk and talk and plead and confess and talk and praise. However, it is hard for me to shush and listen. 

The other day I did just that. I cried out to the LORD and I heard Him. He said to my heart "This is your special assignment. Holdfast." The next day He gave me the word "endure."

You see, I need my Abba Father to hold me. He can help me holdfast. I need to listen like Moses to God say "Stand still. Let me fight for you"

"The LORD shall fight for you, and ye shall hold your peace." Exodus 14:14

As Mandisa sings
"You're an overcomer

Stay in the fight 'til the final roundYou're not going under'Cause God is holding you right nowYou might be down for a momentFeeling like it's hopelessThat's when he reminds youThat you're an overcomerYou're an overcomer"
The only way to be an overcomer is to allow the Holy Spirit to "click" the enable button in your soul. We need the assistance of the Holy Spirit. Without the Holy Spirit we are toast. 



Today I heard an awesome encouragement regarding the word "worry." The word "worry" comes from the British dialect meaning to choke or strangle. 
Another definition of worry means to harass by tearing, biting, or snapping especially at the throat. Finally, to worry can mean to assail with rough or aggressive attack; or to worry means to afflict with mental distress or agitation.

Satan is literally trying to "choke" us with worries.
No! In the Name of Jesus, I give you Jesus power and permission to click the enable button on my heart. Fill me with the Holy Spirit and fight these battles for me!

What a precious lesson from Isaac's iPad and from the Word of God!!! 

Dear Governor Newsom...

Dear Governor Newsom,
I am sure you receive a lot of legal correspondence. Thus, I am also quite sure hearing from yet another disgruntled California attorney does not bother you nor sway your opinions. However, this letter is more for me than for you.

I must share my deep concerns regarding Isaac Gonzalez, a California resident.
First, not only am I an active practicing attorney in the beautiful state of California, but I am also a special needs mother. I am an advocate for my son, Isaac Gonzalez who is a 12-year-old student with autism spectrum disorder.

Please note, I fully understand the concerns for the health and safety of others during this world-wide pandemic and your decision to not allow children to return to school in August for the 2020-2021 school year. My son would have started 7th grade in the special education autism program in a local middle school.

It was recently determined that he qualifies for a very much needed 1-1 aide (or temporary special needs assistant)

The decision to not allow special needs children to attend school is actually hurting them more than the virus or threat of obtaining the virus. In fact, everyone in my household is dramatically impacted by Isaac's requirement to stay home. He is anxious, more aggressive, stressed and he even had a seizure. Our hearts are breaking as his school routine truly helps him thrive.

You see Governor Newsom, there is an "r" word that we fear in our home. The "r" word is regression. Isaac takes several steps back every time he is out of school for any extended period of time. In fact, he was required to start special ed pr-school for children with autism at the age of 3. He is encouraged to attend ESY, Extended School Year (also known as "special ed summer school").

Isaac already regressed from the school shut down in March 2020. He lost skills and he has suffered from severe anxiety. His regression is not due to the pandemic or the threat of the coronavirus, but from the abrupt and now continuous halt of all his public education. His school routine is like medicine for his autism disorder.

I am one person- his mother. In school, Isaac has a personal aide, his specially trained/credentialled teacher, 3 aides to every 1 child in his class, a school psychologist housed at his school site, an Adaptive PE teacher, a speech therapist, an occupational therapist and many other administrative staff to ensure Isaac has all the support he needs.

I am sure this letter will go into your "junk" email box, or correspondence pile to be responded to by a Berkely student intern, however, I felt in my heart I needed to let you know two things.

1. Special education students need to return back to school immediately.
2. You need Jesus as Savior.

Although I am an attorney and an autism mom, neither of these roles define me. My primary identity is as a Christian. I pray for you. I am asking God to reveal His truth to you and for you to realize Jesus is the only vaccine able to cure a sin-infected soul.

This pandemic has affected everyone in California. However, for the California native developmentally disabled children who cannot speak for themselves, I am requesting you consider allowing special ed students back on campus with their teachers and aides and learning supports. My child cannot successfully learn via "zoom" computer sessions with a teacher. 

Regarding my second point, I cannot emphasize this enough: For God so loved the world that He gave His only Son, and whoever believes in Him will not die but have eternal life. These are Jesus' words, not my own.

I prayerfully consider you to think about my concerns not only for my son's well being but for your own well being as a man created by God.

Sincerely,

Laura E. Gonzalez (California resident, attorney, autism mom, and Daughter of God)

The Virus in Me

The LORD taught me in the pandemic/COVID19 season that even if there was no such thing as the Corona Virus, there is still a virus in me- sin. 

Yeah but didn't Jesus deal with sin at Calvary's cross? 

You are a Christian aren't you?

I mean- your blog name is laura_jesusfreak.

How can you say you have a virus inside you?

Sin was dealt with at Calvary's Cross...

Yes, I still struggle with sin, but I am no longer a sinner...

I am saved by grace.

Hallelujah for that!

However, there is always the "sin issue" or the virus inside me.

During this pandemic/Corona virus stay in, Chuck and I were talking about this virus and how it is causing a lot of fear. The virus is also causing a lot of people to groan and grow weary (yes us included) and many people are saying "when can we just go back to normal?"

Here is the thing...

What is "normal?"

Is normal going back to church, kids going to public school or private or home schooling (and social gatherings) and shopping at Costco with no mask and people working 9-5pm jobs with long commutes and shouting out loud or via Instagram "it's Fri-YAY" because it's finally the weekend?

What is normal?

Chuck and I have the privilege and very challenging job of raising Isaac (as you know, he is now 12 with autism) so for a long time we have realized that our life is far from normal. It is not normal to still help your 12 year old put on slip on vans. It is not normal to have to explain to people that he has a fear of dogs which is why he almost ran into the street out of sheer fright, it is not normal to have to miss out on a graduation party or wedding because only a trained professional and few family members know how to care for Isaac, it is not normal to cry yourself to sleep because it is back to school and you have yet another 2-3 hour long IEP meeing where the teachers and therapists and professionals tell you "he did not meet his goals, again, and yes he still qualifies for special education" it is not normal to crave a date night, but you do not know if the caregiver is available on such short notice, it is not normal to have to soothe your daughter because her brother pulled her hair, it is not normal to have a teacher with a welt on her arm brusing up and going to the doctor after school becauase "Isaac bit her and would not let go" This was at age 11, just last fall....

We can go on and on about our life not being "normal"

However, we don't camp there- we camp on Jesus.

Chuck and I have a little saying to each other we say 

"I need Jesus bad"

This is such a humble cry that we acknowledge, we cannot handle autism, we can't handle this abnormal life and we certainly cannot live without our daily bread -our daily dose of Jesus. 

We need Jesus bad.

One day my sweet daughter Olivia explained it to me so perfectly...

She said "Mom, I get it. Some people are happy with just a little bit of Jesus. But we need a lot of Jesus. We are all about Jesus all the time"

Yes my daughter - A TO THE Men. 

We are not super saints. 

We argue. 

We say mean things, then apologize. We bicker. We get frustrated about Isaac's autism we get frustrated with him. We give in to the pain and forget God holds our tears in a bottle. We numb ourselves with TV or eating out or watching basketball or a variety of other leisure activities  (not bad sinful things.... for the record)

But there is no "closing the door" on autism. 

We can't put Isaac in the junk drawer because he is certainly not junk. Isaac is not like a key ring, pen from the dentist, or battery. Isaac is our son and he has many many challenges.  We face 'Not Normal" every day head-on...so we learn to let Jesus take the wheel. 

Why share this Laura?

Well the other day Jesus reminded me that I have a virus inside...

Even if Isaac did not have autism, and even if life went back to "so called" normal and even if life was all fine and dandy like Happy Days or Wonder Years...

 

I would still need to fight for joy EVERY SINGLE DAY.

I would still need to ask God for forgiveness EVERY SINGLE DAY.

I would still need to pray for the lost EVERY SINGLE DAY.

I would still need prayer and the scriptures as my daily bread and water EVERY SINGLE DAY.

I would still need Calvary. 

I would still need to behold the Lamb.

I would still need the hope that only Jesus gives. 

I would still need the promise of Eternal life because this messy life CAN'T be the end of the story.

I would still need to feed on His faithfulness.

I would still need to praise Him in every season because He is above the season.

I would still need Jesus BAD because He is my everything and without Him I can do nothing. 

NOTHING (yes all caps)

The virus inside me is also a longing for heaven/a longing to fit in. 

It's not just the "sin" problem as scholars call it. It's the heaven problem. 

I am in a foreign land. 

Do you ever feel like that?

Like you do not quite fit in anywhere?

You go to church, but you do not quite fit in...

You go to work, but you are not quite like your co-workers. 

Even in marriage (if you are married) your spouse doesn't quite get you like you wish he/she would...

Your best friend does not always understand...

But JESUS.

He gets you.

I mean really really gets you.

Jesus is the Creator. He made you so naturally, He understands you best.

So the longing for heaven maybe not a "virus" per se....but it is a tug...a longing...an ache you can't shake, a longing to fit in  (like Pastor Levi Lusko calls it)

We need to not crave to go back to normal...

That's like the children of Israel craving to go back to Egypt. 

God wants us to live for Him totally dependent and yes America will open up again to a "new normal" but inside...deep inside...you will never be normal until you get to heaven, until you are free from this sinful world and enter into the resurrection with Jesus.

Oh I can't wait!

If we long to go back to normal are we just missing "easy?"

or "easier?"

Maybe...

I have played this fantasy in my head far too many times.

If Isaac didn't have autism life would be easier.

I could go run errands with no problem

I could go on dates with Chuck.

Olivia would have a sibling she could connect with and vice versa.

We could ALL sit together in church together. It would be so grand so wonderful.

But he does have autism, so why dream about it? Why play a painful fantasy in my head?

Well I choose not do participate in this "fantasy land" thinking because it is not reality...

But I do sing along to the MercyMe song I can only imagine...

I imagine being in heaven with Jesus and Isaac singing praises to God.

I imagine Jesus telling me well done...

I imagine singing and singing and bowing and worshipping and splashing in the river of water of life that flows from His throne...

I imagine standing in awe of God's throne and seeing angels for miles and miles and miles.

I imagine saying "what autism? what tears? what pain? as it all melts away into the wonder of His love"

I imagine seeing loved ones who got there first...

I imagine a heavenly city...I try to picture it the best I can with an earthly mind and I just stand eager to meet the one who died for me and died for you.

To me, that's normal...

One day, Jesus will come (or we will pass) and then we will enter into "normal."

Until then, we pray. 

We wait on God and we trust in His timing...

But dare I say it..

Don't crave normal because we all have a virus inside. 

Yes, Jesus died for our sins once and for all...but until we get our new heavenly bodies we will fight the flesh, the world and Satan and it is not a pretty fight. Satan fights dirty.

One day, there will be no more viruses, no more disease, no more death or decay or divorce or disability or frustrations or masks....we will be home. 

We will be normal - the way our Creator always intended us to be....