Car Tears

 Car tears 

I want to share something that I rarely share:

I LOVE PEOPLE.

Just kidding- pretty much everyone knows that...

Seriously though, I do wish to share something that I have not talked about publicly...

At our former church there is something that happened after every service we the Gonzalez family endured. 

Actually, I endured it.

Here’s the backstory: 

I do love people!  I love everything about people. I love catching up with you. I love to see your smile I love to complement you on your outfit.

I love to hear how you’re doing I love to encourage you and pray with you.

As Christians we call time together in Jesus “fellowship.” 

Since I am a talker and a “sharer” it is a great highlight for me to dialogue, converse, laugh and share time with believers. In my older years, I even love connecting with those who are hurting. If I see someone across the way who I can tell is hurting... I may feel prompted by the Lord to go over there and pray with you or ask how I can help in anyway....

Isaac has autism and he loves doughnuts. After church we would allow him to have a doughnut. However it became a problem. Isaac would run over to the doughnut table cut the line or even try to touch the doughnuts. 

He became so obsessed with this after church service we had to stop it.

I did not want him touching anyone’s doughnut or touching the tray of doughnut. This is part of autism- it’s hard for him to keep his hands to himself.

Another problem is eloping. 

With autism, kids like run. 

You might not know why they do this. Isaac‘s brain does not work like our brains do. He elopes because he has that fight or flight feeling that he must get that thing that he really wants. He doesn’t understand danger or impulse control so if he wants something he will run until he gets it.

Isaac would often run to the bookstore to go look at the VeggieTales DVDs. It would be so hard to get him back into the car to go home. It would be so difficult to help him understand that even though he already owned each and everyone of those VeggieTales DVDs the items at the store do not belong to him and he cannot have them. 

It became yet another problem.

So here comes the piece that I have not shared with many people ever...

After church after the service was over during the fellowship time I would walk to the car and sit in the car with Isaac. 

Chuck often had a ministry related commitment and Olivia would enjoy a doughnut and sit and talk with friends or wait for daddy. 

I would sit in the car with Isaac and wait. 

I would try my best not to turn around and look at all my friends with their normal kids catching up, laughing fellowshiping. 

We did this routine many times many Sundays for many years.

No one knew that I was in the car with Isaac just sitting there... longing to fellowship but knowing that I could not. 

The only people who knew were Olivia and Chuck. They would try their best to hurry to the car so we could all go home and eat breakfast together as a family.

Just this morning at 5 AM the Lord reminded me of these after church lonely moments in the car with Isaac and myself.

Sometimes I would cry but mostly I would just look at my Bible study notes or look at my phone or listen to the radio.

It just became the routine for us- for our family. 

Even now, when I do have time to fellowship it’s very hard to stay engaged because I always have to worry about Isaac. Is he OK? Is he harming the caregiver? What if he has a seizure?

I’m not a “what if” kind of gal ... but ever since Isaac started having seizures the enemy will use these thoughts to try to drown out the joy of fellowship.

I cannot tell you the thrill I get when my husband says “don’t worry about Isaac I got him take as long as you want.”

I was able to get my hair done by a sister in Christ who I love dearly. We prayed talked, listened to worship, cried and I was able to have her anoint me with oil. 

With the new revelation that Isaac has a cyst on his brain I have been crying a lot. And it’s often in my car. 

I have cried in my car after dropping him off at school I have cried in my car driving home. I have cried in my car after hearing a voicemail from the nurse at his school. I have cried in my car after hearing a voice message that I need to pick him up from school for some other circumstance related to autism. I have cried in my car when it’s just Isaac and I (all alone) and I’m listening to worship trying to forget about Autism for a moment. I have cried in my car many, many, many times. 

Car tears.... 

The autism mom life is super lonely. It is a very distracted life and is not a life I planned for and it is not the life that I am “owning” as my main identity.

I have been crucified with Christ and it’s no longer I who live but Christ who lives in me. (Gal 2:20) 

I pray out loud often “Jesus take the wheel.”

When I’m crying in my car Jesus is taking the wheel. I give him my tears I give him my pain, I give him my hopes and my dreams. The last few years the last few months especially it has been very painful excruciating -agony.

I don’t want my son to have autism. 

I don’t want my son to have seizures. 

I don’t want my son to have a cyst on his brain. 

I don’t want my son to bite or pull the hair of my family or caregivers. 

I do want to stay after church and fellowship and laugh and pray with people. 

God is giving me this unique opportunity to be a mom and caregiver to Isaac. I am a wife to Chuck a mom to Olivia. 

We often say that our family is the first ministry. 

I hope that this part of my testimony will encourage you that YES our family is our first ministry. I’ve had to say NO to many many birthday parties and celebrations knowing that Isaac can’t attend. 

I’ve had to say no to many breakfast events,  lunches, brunches, overnight events, women’s events, mom’s night out, fun times, Beach trips, prayer meetings. I’ve had to say no to a lot of things but I will never say no to Jesus. 

If Jesus gave me this assignment of raising Isaac then I know that my saying no to some fun fellowship events is a choice. I’m not trying to get pity or anything like that I’m just sharing my heart that when God gives you an assignment we must count the cost and trust God with every part of that assignment even the hard parts. 

Once again, no one knew about my car times after church....Sitting alone with Isaac. 

I didn’t complain about it and I’m not complaining about it now. 

I’m just sharing that it was something I had to do that I didn’t want to do. 

I wanted to be out of my car sitting next to my son and daughter talking with friends enjoying fellowship under the sun while holding a Bible and meditating on the things of God. 

Autism makes even sitting with a doughnut and a cup of coffee hard. But that doesn’t mean I don’t get close to Jesus. 

I have chosen to be creative with fellowship. 

I’ve had prayer times with people over the phone. I’ve had people come over and pray with me while my eyes are open as I’m looking at Isaac swim. ....while I am crying worshiping and enjoying the prayer time. 

Life can be messy and the autistic life is especially messy and chaotic but I will continue to cry in my car and say Jesus take the wheel and let him drive me all the way to heaven.... I know there will be a marriage supper with Jesus in heaven and Isaac will be there too and he won’t be running away he will be sitting and enjoying the meal and I can’t wait for that day  ! 

(See also Eph 3:13-20 )