Dear Jesus...

Dear Jesus, You alone are God and I wait upon you LORD to show up. I wait upon you God to show us your glory through Isaac's present health issues....

The other day I was really broken. I felt muted. I can't pray, I can't sing. I can't read. I can only cry. When you are sleep deprived and extremely exhausted it is so easy for Satan to sneak in and try to tell you lies like:

"Where is God now?" 

"If the LORD loves you, why has He not done something about this?"

"You have asked many times for 'help' and it has only gotten worse"

I can pray and use Truths to defeat the lies. You know those fancy "anti-virus" softwares that detect viruses on your computer? That is what God's Word does. When you hide His Word in your heart He easily puts up a radar "Virus detected! Do not stop praying or believe that lie. God will never leave you nor forsake you. Keep praying!"

The Holy Spirit is the Helper and "lie-detector."

Feeling extremely depleted I knelt down to pray and first felt very strongly I need to play some worship songs. 

I put one worship song on that was on my heart.

Then for the second song I really just wanted to worship Jesus and not ask for anything.

I put on "Oh Lord You're Beautiful" by Keith Green.

This song is one of my favorites.

If you play the "live" version you will enjoy hearing him share his heart in the beginning....

He talks about how the other night He wrote the LORD a letter. He didn't know where to mail it so he put it in his Bible.

I worshipped. I wept. I literally imagined myself wiping Jesus' feet with my tears. At that moment, I was swept away and remembered how very Holy God is. I too felt like writing a letter to the LORD like Keith Green said. 

There is a show Olivia used to watch: "My Little Pony." This Netflix series is not the original one from the 80s, it's new and she was devoted to watch each and every episode. There was one part I always remembered. It appeared in every episode. You would see a pony vigorously scribbling writing a note. She would write to her mentor saying "Dear Princess Celestia...." and she would share her heart and things going on in her world.

Keith Green poured out his heart to Jesus in a letter. That is exactly what our lives are. They are living epistles read by all men. 

Then, I realized something....

My entire life has been a "Dear Jesus" letter.

The Bible encourages us to pray without ceasing. I think for many this verse seems intimidating or even impossible. 

However, when your life is a "Dear Jesus" letter, it is not so scary to think about praying all the time and with a genuine heart of love for Jesus.

I have been talking a lot to Jesus about Isaac. A LOT. 

Many people already know he has autism. However, there are seasons when autism seems louder than others (that is how Chuck and I describe it anyway).

Lately, autism has been very very loud.

First, special education shut down due to COVID-19.

Second, church, ABA therapy and other gatherings/outings he is used to are shut down due to COVID-19.

He does not understand social distancing or the reason for the shut down.

I genuinely think he was depressed as he would wake up excited and say "School?" Not today son, school is broken I would tell him. I even took him to his school on a week day to show him that it was closed.

Heartbreaking.

Third, he is a pre-teen during puberty. During puberty I have been warned autism gets harder because in stead of rolling his eyes, or smacking his lips or talking back when I ask him to do a chore or talk to him about something, I get pinched, my hair pulled or a bite on the arm. He has been much more aggressive during this summer of COVID-19. 

Fourth, Isaac had his first seizure on July 4, another seizure on Aug. 15, and BAM the MRI discovered a cyst on His brain.

Dear Jesus, Dear Jesus, Dear Jesus...

You see I love words. I have always written little note cards and post cards. I loved to write notes and leave them in Chuck's lunch bag. I would write in my journals at church during Bible study. I write verses that minister to me. I mail a card with a verse to someone who is hurting. I write a thank you note to someone who blessed me. I even felt led by the Holy Spirit to leave a note on a stranger's car with a verse, an invitation to church and a "daily bread." I have written letters to a relative in prison and to friends on mission trips. I want you to know letters are special to me!

There is just something about a letter....

Emails are great. Texts are nice. But a letter specifically hand written for you- sealed with love and a prayer that I believe God uses in my life most.

I now realize my life is a "Dear Jesus" letter. Like Keith Green said. He wrote a letter to the LORD, He didn't know where to put it so He put it in His Bible. 

My Dear Jesus letter (my life story) is full of tears, prayers, woo-hoo praises, highs and lows, and the best part is the story is not over. (Phil 1:16)

At Loma Linda Hospital, all alone because of COVID, just me and my boy in the hospital room, (the Pediatric Intensive Care Unit), I asked God- is this the crescendo? Is this the peak of our story? A cyst on his brain? How can this be a part of Isaac's story and mine (and Olivia's and Chuck's life story) Is there a climax here? A build up to something unusual and amazing? Is there a special turn of events in store for Isaac?

When I asked God this question I did not hear a response.

What I am now hearing is "wait."

2 Corinthians 3:2-3 "You are our epistle written in our hearts, known and read by all men; clearly you are an epistle of Christ, ministered by us, written not with ink but by the Spirit of the Living God, not on tablets of stone but on tablets of flesh, that is, of the heart. 

Dear Jesus, I do not know what you are doing, but I humbly ask for a healing for Isaac. Your mija, Laura