The Virus in Me

The LORD taught me in the pandemic/COVID19 season that even if there was no such thing as the Corona Virus, there is still a virus in me- sin. 

Yeah but didn't Jesus deal with sin at Calvary's cross? 

You are a Christian aren't you?

I mean- your blog name is laura_jesusfreak.

How can you say you have a virus inside you?

Sin was dealt with at Calvary's Cross...

Yes, I still struggle with sin, but I am no longer a sinner...

I am saved by grace.

Hallelujah for that!

However, there is always the "sin issue" or the virus inside me.

During this pandemic/Corona virus stay in, Chuck and I were talking about this virus and how it is causing a lot of fear. The virus is also causing a lot of people to groan and grow weary (yes us included) and many people are saying "when can we just go back to normal?"

Here is the thing...

What is "normal?"

Is normal going back to church, kids going to public school or private or home schooling (and social gatherings) and shopping at Costco with no mask and people working 9-5pm jobs with long commutes and shouting out loud or via Instagram "it's Fri-YAY" because it's finally the weekend?

What is normal?

Chuck and I have the privilege and very challenging job of raising Isaac (as you know, he is now 12 with autism) so for a long time we have realized that our life is far from normal. It is not normal to still help your 12 year old put on slip on vans. It is not normal to have to explain to people that he has a fear of dogs which is why he almost ran into the street out of sheer fright, it is not normal to have to miss out on a graduation party or wedding because only a trained professional and few family members know how to care for Isaac, it is not normal to cry yourself to sleep because it is back to school and you have yet another 2-3 hour long IEP meeing where the teachers and therapists and professionals tell you "he did not meet his goals, again, and yes he still qualifies for special education" it is not normal to crave a date night, but you do not know if the caregiver is available on such short notice, it is not normal to have to soothe your daughter because her brother pulled her hair, it is not normal to have a teacher with a welt on her arm brusing up and going to the doctor after school becauase "Isaac bit her and would not let go" This was at age 11, just last fall....

We can go on and on about our life not being "normal"

However, we don't camp there- we camp on Jesus.

Chuck and I have a little saying to each other we say 

"I need Jesus bad"

This is such a humble cry that we acknowledge, we cannot handle autism, we can't handle this abnormal life and we certainly cannot live without our daily bread -our daily dose of Jesus. 

We need Jesus bad.

One day my sweet daughter Olivia explained it to me so perfectly...

She said "Mom, I get it. Some people are happy with just a little bit of Jesus. But we need a lot of Jesus. We are all about Jesus all the time"

Yes my daughter - A TO THE Men. 

We are not super saints. 

We argue. 

We say mean things, then apologize. We bicker. We get frustrated about Isaac's autism we get frustrated with him. We give in to the pain and forget God holds our tears in a bottle. We numb ourselves with TV or eating out or watching basketball or a variety of other leisure activities  (not bad sinful things.... for the record)

But there is no "closing the door" on autism. 

We can't put Isaac in the junk drawer because he is certainly not junk. Isaac is not like a key ring, pen from the dentist, or battery. Isaac is our son and he has many many challenges.  We face 'Not Normal" every day head-on...so we learn to let Jesus take the wheel. 

Why share this Laura?

Well the other day Jesus reminded me that I have a virus inside...

Even if Isaac did not have autism, and even if life went back to "so called" normal and even if life was all fine and dandy like Happy Days or Wonder Years...

 

I would still need to fight for joy EVERY SINGLE DAY.

I would still need to ask God for forgiveness EVERY SINGLE DAY.

I would still need to pray for the lost EVERY SINGLE DAY.

I would still need prayer and the scriptures as my daily bread and water EVERY SINGLE DAY.

I would still need Calvary. 

I would still need to behold the Lamb.

I would still need the hope that only Jesus gives. 

I would still need the promise of Eternal life because this messy life CAN'T be the end of the story.

I would still need to feed on His faithfulness.

I would still need to praise Him in every season because He is above the season.

I would still need Jesus BAD because He is my everything and without Him I can do nothing. 

NOTHING (yes all caps)

The virus inside me is also a longing for heaven/a longing to fit in. 

It's not just the "sin" problem as scholars call it. It's the heaven problem. 

I am in a foreign land. 

Do you ever feel like that?

Like you do not quite fit in anywhere?

You go to church, but you do not quite fit in...

You go to work, but you are not quite like your co-workers. 

Even in marriage (if you are married) your spouse doesn't quite get you like you wish he/she would...

Your best friend does not always understand...

But JESUS.

He gets you.

I mean really really gets you.

Jesus is the Creator. He made you so naturally, He understands you best.

So the longing for heaven maybe not a "virus" per se....but it is a tug...a longing...an ache you can't shake, a longing to fit in  (like Pastor Levi Lusko calls it)

We need to not crave to go back to normal...

That's like the children of Israel craving to go back to Egypt. 

God wants us to live for Him totally dependent and yes America will open up again to a "new normal" but inside...deep inside...you will never be normal until you get to heaven, until you are free from this sinful world and enter into the resurrection with Jesus.

Oh I can't wait!

If we long to go back to normal are we just missing "easy?"

or "easier?"

Maybe...

I have played this fantasy in my head far too many times.

If Isaac didn't have autism life would be easier.

I could go run errands with no problem

I could go on dates with Chuck.

Olivia would have a sibling she could connect with and vice versa.

We could ALL sit together in church together. It would be so grand so wonderful.

But he does have autism, so why dream about it? Why play a painful fantasy in my head?

Well I choose not do participate in this "fantasy land" thinking because it is not reality...

But I do sing along to the MercyMe song I can only imagine...

I imagine being in heaven with Jesus and Isaac singing praises to God.

I imagine Jesus telling me well done...

I imagine singing and singing and bowing and worshipping and splashing in the river of water of life that flows from His throne...

I imagine standing in awe of God's throne and seeing angels for miles and miles and miles.

I imagine saying "what autism? what tears? what pain? as it all melts away into the wonder of His love"

I imagine seeing loved ones who got there first...

I imagine a heavenly city...I try to picture it the best I can with an earthly mind and I just stand eager to meet the one who died for me and died for you.

To me, that's normal...

One day, Jesus will come (or we will pass) and then we will enter into "normal."

Until then, we pray. 

We wait on God and we trust in His timing...

But dare I say it..

Don't crave normal because we all have a virus inside. 

Yes, Jesus died for our sins once and for all...but until we get our new heavenly bodies we will fight the flesh, the world and Satan and it is not a pretty fight. Satan fights dirty.

One day, there will be no more viruses, no more disease, no more death or decay or divorce or disability or frustrations or masks....we will be home. 

We will be normal - the way our Creator always intended us to be....