Trials Refine you, but Do not Define You

 My husband and I are blessed to celebrate 26 years of marriage this month (July 2025).

We have grown up together. We love each other.

We have cried together and prayed together and slammed doors too. 

We have used words to cut and to sew.

We have been best friends and have ran both hot and cold, but thankfully never luke warm. We have learned to forgive because we have been greatly forgiven by God Almighty.

Christ has been the King of our marriage, the captain of our ship and the head of our home.

We do not get to go on dates like we used to.

We previously visited Cambria every year for our anniversary. 

My beloved husband- a school teacher- never needed to "ask for the day off" in July. 

A perfect anniversary month for us.

We would go on a mini-adventure- just the two of us- somewhere- any where (locally in California) to connect, reflect, have long devotions without Olivia saying "mommy mommy" or Isaac screaming, squealing, or needing my attention and caregiving.

As Isaac aged, so did we.

Sadly, we cannot leave him "overnight" with Nana Becky like the good ole days, but we are trying to savor the good ole todays.

This week, on a Thursday morning we were blessed with a date at Brandon's diner. We were the youngest couple in there. I saw a man open the door for his bride, she walked with a cane, and he had a digital watch and a large belly. They were old, tired and adorable. Their eyes still twinkled and smiled at each other.

My husband and I were smiling at each other in our booth gazing at menus and enjoying the short but sweet Isaac free time. 

My husband said something profound.

"I am not defined by autism."

We talk about Isaac a lot.

A LOT.

Being a full time special mom and a full time special dad is exhausting, perplexing and all consuming. 

You can literally get wrapped up the identity of autism.

We do thank God we can be Isaac's caregiver parents, but we are not defined by his disability.

I thought a lot about what Chuck said...

Autism does not define me.

Then I thought more...

Trials do refine you, but they do not define you.

Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Jonah will forever be linked to a whale.

However, the first thing we teach our kids to sing is that "Jonah was a prophet."

He was a prophet first, the whale came later.

The other day I was praying.

I called out to the LORD 

"God, thank you for my husband. Thank you that I am Chuck's wife. Thank you that I am Olivia and Isaac's mom. But first and foremost Jesus, I thank you that I am Yahweh's daughter."

God's first, roles on earth second.

That includes our trials. 

I have a few friends who have lost their children to cancer.

I have several friends who are widows.

I have other friends who are special needs parents.

All of these people I am referring to are my sisters in the LORD.

I am part of God's family first, the specific trial or thorn placed in me life to refine me is second. 

I share all of this because trials can be loud.

Trials can be so loud, they make you tired, bitter and calloused. Trials can a game changer.

I can say like Job "Naked I came into the world and naked I'll return." but still even  yet, I will praise you LORD.

Or I can say like Job's wife "curse God and die."

We must look at the trial from the lens of the gift giver. 

God does allow trials, tests, painful experiences and thorns for a purpose- to refine us- to conform us s to the image of Christ.

But please do not make the mistake of letting the trial write your story. God is still God and the trial is a part of your life yes, but it is not LIFE. Jesus is the Way, the Truth and the Life.

Jesus is the Resurrection and the Life.

When Saul met Christ on the road to Damascus, he was forever changed. It was God who did the changing. Saul was blind for a short period of time.

Others in scripture and even today were born blind, and died blind.

John 9 speaks to the issue- 

 

And as Jesus passed by, he saw a man which was blind from his birth.

And his disciples asked him, saying, Master, who did sin, this man, or his parents, that he was born blind?

Jesus answered, Neither hath this man sinned, nor his parents: but that the works of God should be made manifest in him.

I must work the works of him that sent me, while it is day: the night cometh, when no man can work.

As long as I am in the world, I am the light of the world.

When he had thus spoken, he spat on the ground, and made clay of the spittle, and he anointed the eyes of the blind man with the clay,

And said unto him, Go, wash in the pool of Siloam, (which is by interpretation, Sent.) He went his way therefore, and washed, and came seeing. (John 9:1-7)

Christ uses the trials of life that the works of God should be manifest in us.

God told Paul clearly in 2 Corinthians 12:9

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me."

We aren't doing as Paul advised. We are not gladly boasting in our weaknesses.

No. We are moping. We are losing faith and praying less.

We are letting the trial define us. We let the trial consume our brain space and every waking hour we are obsessively trying to figure out a way  out of the trial.

The way is always THROUGH.

You would never tell a widow or widower or someone enduring a hardship -

“Don’t worry! You’ll get over this.”

No way.

We say “You will get through this. With God’s help you will. He will get you through.”

There is an assumption that there is another side to “this” part of the trial.

There is a point.

The point of the trial is to change us and conform us to God, to look like the Son, to be sensitive to the Spirit. God teaches us individually and then later uses us to impact others with the comfort we have received we can give it out to others.

God builds our character in the trial.

We learn in the furnace, but we learn little if we focus on the eject button instead of pressing the surrender button.

Oh God Almighty!

How we have so much to learn here!

I am grateful for the words of my husband that hung in the air refreshing my soul and reminding me that trials do refine us, but they do not define us. We are children of God and you can do with us as you wish. We will choose to worship you no matter what the “end” of the trial looks like. We ask forgiveness for our grumpiness and shaking our fist at you wondering why our prayers are not answered speedily. You are God, we are not. Your blood is sufficient. If you allowed this season, or perplexing situation to come to our life than we choose to trust you. We bow the knee and say have your way God. Master Teacher! Rabbi Jesus teach us your way and help us navigate through this in the most God honoring way. In Jesus’ Name Amen

Thou Shalt Not Covet the Sinner"s Instagram Post- Reflections on Psalm 73

 I love Psalm 73. 
This Psalm brings me tremendous comfort. 

If you do not remember the Psalm, please read it here below: 

A Psalm of Asaph.

1Truly God is good to Israel,
to those who are pure in heart.
2But as for me, my feet had almost stumbled,
my steps had nearly slipped.
3For I was envious of the arrogant
when I saw the prosperity of the wicked.

4For they have no pangs until death;
their bodies are fat and sleek.
5They are not in trouble as others are;
they are not stricken like the rest of mankind.
6Therefore pride is their necklace;
violence covers them as a garment.
7Their eyes swell out through fatness;
their hearts overflow with follies.
8They scoff and speak with malice;
loftily they threaten oppression.
9They set their mouths against the heavens,
and their tongue struts through the earth.
10Therefore his people turn back to them,
and find no fault in them.^a
11And they say, “How can God know?
Is there knowledge in the Most High?”
12Behold, these are the wicked;
always at ease, they increase in riches.
13All in vain have I kept my heart clean
and washed my hands in innocence.
14For all the day long I have been stricken
and rebuked every morning.
15If I had said, “I will speak thus,”
I would have betrayed the generation of your children.

16But when I thought how to understand this,
it seemed to me a wearisome task,
17until I went into the sanctuary of God;
then I discerned their end.

18Truly you set them in slippery places;
you make them fall to ruin.
19How they are destroyed in a moment,
swept away utterly by terrors!
20Like a dream when one awakes,
O Lord, when you rouse yourself, you despise them as phantoms.
21When my soul was embittered,
when I was pricked in heart,
22I was brutish and ignorant;
I was like a beast toward you.

23Nevertheless, I am continually with you;
you hold my right hand.
24You guide me with your counsel,
and afterward you will receive me to glory.
25Whom have I in heaven but you?
And there is nothing on earth that I desire besides you.
26My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength^b of my heart and my portion forever.

27For behold, those who are far from you shall perish;
you put an end to everyone who is unfaithful to you.
28But for me it is good to be near God;
I have made the Lord God my refuge,
that I may tell of all your works.

There have been many times my client going through a divorce has expressed "the wicked prosper Laura!" 

When a judge rules in favor of the man who allows his kid to look at porn. The wicked prosper.

When a child is backslidden and does not care about God and recently gets a promotion at work. The wicked prosper.

When the man who cheated on your dear friend at church, just gets married to a woman 15 years younger, and returns from a honeymoon in Mexico (something your friend always wanted to do). The wicked prosper.

When your child is disabled and the neighbors' have a child but they are gay and that child is healthy happy and doing great, while you are sitting in yet another doctor's visit, school nurse's office or IEP meeting. The wicked prosper.

The friend you knew who wasn't really close to the LORD but does go to church every other year, is now holding her second grandbaby, dressed super cute, no wrinkles or problems on her facebook posts and has just returned from a Bahamas trip. 

The not quite sure if she is saved girl prospers.

The LORD really convicted me the other day. 

If you frown at the sinner's photo, because he or she is having fun, and you are suffering, the problem is not with them, the problem is with YOU Laura.

Ouch.

Why?

We are not to covet another sinner's instagram post.

Instagram, facebook and all the others...they create an environment of longing. People do not post or boast about the fact that a husband cheats on his wife, and the wife forgives but the kids are now tremendously messed up and doubting the existence of God the Creator.

People do not share about the uncle who is in jail.

People do not share about the cousin who died of a drug overdose.

People do not open up about sexual or physical abuse in childhood.

People do not discuss how hurt they are from the "cliques" at their old church.

People do not share ANY of these things.

But the wicked....oh! The wicked post their lives all night long (Please sing Lionel Ritchie!)

The wicked posts of themselves drinking wine, or smoking pot or dating the hottest girl in school.

My daughter showed a post of a young girl in her bikini on a Southern California beach (her momma had cancer!) and she looked naked (yes! Naked).

You can wake up early, get the coffee brewing, open up your Bible, and be filled with gratitude, tears and ready to handle the day...

Then, you open instagram or facebook and you suddenly get the "oh man! It's is not fair LORD! The wicked prosper!" blues.

This ailment is really contagious in the summer!

The little teen girls wish they had a God-fearing boyfriend. Instead, they see photos of the pretty girl at school dating the boy and the rumor mill goes...they are probably sleeping together.

The LORD really rebuked me that to frown on a person's post is one thing, but to get upset and think "Hey! It's not fair! Johnny and Jenny do not love God, they do not go to church, and yet their kids are doing great, attending great schools and they are enjoying a wonderful Yosemite vacation, while I am at home cleaning the crumbs off the toaster, trying to do everything to stay cool in triple digits and serving the LORD." We can easily repeat the Psalmist words in verse 3 here: 

For I was envious of the arrogant
when I saw the prosperity of the wicked.

Yeah, so what! Sometimes the wicked do prosper! We must remember Job, Joseph and of course our LORD Jesus.

Jesus did not prosper (in the world's eyes)

Jesus never travelled abroad. He never published a book or ate fancy meals and fancy restaurants. But Jesus DID have a lot of followers. However, many of them were not genuine. In fact, just like a person who is labelled a criminal "all forsook him and fled" the only one who stuck around was his mother Mary and few other "women." 

We do not say "poor Jesus!" It is just not fair that the wicked prosper, and Jesus died.

No. We look at Jesus and gain the proper perspective.

The wicked DO NOT prosper in heaven. The wicked burn in hell eternally separated from God and all His beauty, and glory and holiness.

The wicked enjoy dainties here, but will experience unquenchable fire then.

It is not worth it.

If social media causes you to get the Psalm 73 blues, turn it off, shut it off and open your Bible (or Bible ap) instead.

When others sin, we should not envy.

Sin grieves the heart of God.

Sin should grieve our heart too.

God does allow His grace to fall on the just and the unjust.

And in fact, it is Good and Right that He does this. For at one time we were sinners dying in our sins until the Holy Spirit took the veil off our scaly eyes.

Thank you Jesus!

I pray we can daily think on Psalm 73. This is a very important Psalm to me personally being an autism mom. 

I have this portion tucked in my memory bank

Whom have I in heaven but you?
And there is nothing on earth that I desire besides you.
My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.

Christ is enough.

If you or I have a longing for something....if God says no, we must learn to be content.

We must not covet the sinner's instagram post. We must not covet. We must learn to pray!

It’s not his fault

Dear Jesus, my king, you rule and reign over everything. 

Thank you for reminding me. 

It’s not his fault.

…on the drive up to Mammoth as we so often do over the summer;

We drive by the fault-lines

 the fault lines that reveal evidence of earthquakes.

Similarly, it’s not Isaac’s fault that there’s evidence of an earthquake in his heart and his behaviors and in his crippled mind. 

He didn’t ask to be born. 

He didn’t ask to be stuck in a two-year-old mindset with a 18 year-old man- frame 

it’s not his fault 

that the world looks at him with this disdain…

Stay in your seat!

 listen to the teacher!

 mind your manners!

 raise your hand if you have questions….

he’s never been able to follow any of those directives. 

He jumps around~ his old teacher called him “Tigger”

and he loves Winnie the Pooh & our son gives you forehead-Kisses too. 

It’s not his fault. 

We tried and tried to teach him how to put on his own shoe to learn math like 1+2 

We tried to teach him how to bow down and worship you

We tried to teach him the Ancient of Days is most certainly not through with you….

We tried to teach him that God so loved the world & He bled and died for you and you and you. 

It’s not his fault…

it’s not his fault his food doesn’t cook fast enough…. It’s not his fault he can’t wait for things. 

It’s not his fault. 

It’s not his fault he confuses the rules: that the weekend is different than school days. It’s not his fault. 

It’s not his fault 

We still have to use PECS to communicate. It’s not his fault that mom and dad are so clueless. 

It’s not his fault his mommy and daddy have bruises

It’s not his fault his 30 page IEP is so complicated…. once again Jesus You are the answer to the pain he unknowingly instigated…. 

Many life lessons have been taught by your son Isaac’s hand. 

You’ve taught us how to rely and depend on the Son of Man!

 …and for that we can say thank you son

for we know one day in heaven there will be no more stims or meltdowns or autism in your way…. you will be free to jump in the frozen lake…. to splash and smile and to put away heartache! 

We love you

we pray for you

….but some days are cruel to us and to you…

Help us LORD Jesus solely depend and rely on the grace that flows from you! 

Keeping Grace

 John 17~ He kept me

Secure with lock and key

He kept me with sufficient grace that sustains me

He kept me

Safe secure bound up in chords of love

Like a life vest or seatbelt harm that touches me can’t ever overcome

Your Keeping Grace

I now know this Amazing Grace

Is Keeping Grace

And Keeping Grace

Is Sustaining Grace

All for Love

All for the One

Who bled and died and His Name

Shall be Magnified

Zoom in

Look Hard

Look in

Then look on but zoom in you must

His Grace has kept me!

We sing a lot about Saving Grace

Jesus Loves me yes ‘tis true

But Keeping Grace endureth ‘til the race is completed too!

“I do not pray for these alone, but also for those who will believe in Me”

Christ your words in verse 20 of John 17 will now and forever baffle me

He kept me

Secure with lock and key

He kept me with sufficient grace that sustains me

He kept me

Amazing Grace I’ll sing the song

He saved a wretch like me…

But here in the Garden He prayed to the Father

Keep them “perfected in unity”

Not that request alone could satisfy

He continues in prayer so solemnly…

In confidence He asks the LORD:

“Father I desire that they also whom You have given Me be with Me where I am”

What a grand request from the Son to the Great I Am;

He wants nothing more than Glory for the Father and for His bride to be on His arm,

He kept me

He sustains me

Thus no trial or temptation shall cause me or you alarm!

Reflect

Commit

Repeat

Press in

Oh this magnificent grace!

Oh how He keeps us close!

And one day when faith is sight I’ll embrace the One I love most!

Tis His Grace His Face His Promise that shall forever endure and win,

Thank you God for keeping grace and forgiveness to cleanse my multiplied sin…

He loves me, He loves me not,

Sweet girls pick off petals from the flower,

But this I know I cannot wait to see you in my last hour!

This charming woman

Charm is deceitful and beauty is passing...

Only what is surrendered to Christ is lasting...

Grant me the inner beauty that grants you delight...
Help me walk by faith and not by sight.

This charming man Morrissey sang in the sun,

but that shy boy did not know the battle of Annie get your gun...

Charm is deceitful and beauty is passing...

Only what is surrendered to Christ is lasting...

Being nice is nice but it's not gonna endure forever,

lip gloss perfume lotion and fall make up Spawned a Monster in November

Charm is deceitful and beauty is passing...

Only what is surrendered to Christ is lasting...

There is one lovely woman written about who surpasses them all,

The scriptures never notates if she is dark-skinned, light eyes, small or tall

Charm is deceitful and beauty is passing...

Only what is surrendered to Christ is lasting...

We deck ourselves out with a matching clutch or delicious little bag,

We wear designer clothes and pray that our figures don't sag...

Charm is deceitful and beauty is passing...

Only what is surrendered to Christ is lasting...

He did not have a stitch to wear,

A good girl will speak eloquently she will not drink smoke or swear.

Charm is deceitful and beauty is passing...

Only what is surrendered to Christ is lasting...

Good girls are described in Proverbs 31,

but Pretty Girls Make Graves, their ornate manicures and pedicures may be fun.

Charm is deceitful and beauty is passing...

Only what is surrendered to Christ is lasting...

Hairspray, botox, mall shopping sprees...

Even the Goodwill shopper can't make it to heaven with ease;

Charm is deceitful and beauty is passing...

Only what is surrendered to Christ is lasting...

Jesus knows His own, they are painted and saturated with red...

they would rather be linked to Christ than to be known as simply pleasant, sweet or well-read,

"she's so cute" 

"Oh thanks, I get that a lot"

All the compliments in the world will decay fester and rot.

He is the supreme love of this girl on this page,

She doesn't dabble in horoscopes, gossip or cleanse her home by burning sage.

Charm is deceitful and beauty is passing...

Only what is surrendered to Christ is lasting...

She is pretty alright, more than all the typical gals who walk through the church doors,

To the world she is not attractive (but then again, neither was our LORD)

Charm is deceitful and beauty is passing...

Only what is surrendered to Christ is lasting...

What is the point?

We have heard this over and over again.

Beethoven was Deaf and the Queen is now Dead

So go and Sing Your Life, I have heard that one too,

Here is my point I am desperately trying to impart to you.

Charm is deceitful and beauty is passing...

Only what is surrendered to Christ is lasting...

Summer is here, fall winter and spring are done.

The hot days require extra beauty treatments wax, sunscreen, fresh bikinis from racks,

if you were born with a silver spoon, you'll go to Nordy's or Saks.

Yes being girly and feminine is fun, that's not the point at all.

A girl's value is not found in Vogue, Cover Girl, or some artsy pinterest wall;

A girl grows to a woman and she treasures the Lord Jesus, she adores Him most,

She lets the Sonshine and waves her hand in a circular rhthymn as she cruises the coast.

She lets her hair down and washes His feet with her hair,

She knows her true beauty is found with her Savior, her charm is hidden there.

Mary Magdalene, the supremely stunning woman with the issue of blood,

These are the heroes and role models to this girl I speak of.

Although beauty is passing and charm will fade too,

Our God's love makes her more beautiful so teach your daughters this Truth too.

He is my Husband 

He is My Maker

He is my Source, my Drink my daily Bread

I'll humble myself and look silly in this life, all for the One who once said:

"Leave her alone! This woman's worship is mine alone, it is sweeter than jasmine or rose"

So come along and let's learn from her gleaning from Proverbs (it's 31) line by line written in prose.

We don't need to hate her or feel like we fail because we don't sew with a needle and thread,

For Christ's blood is sufficient to adorn us now and always, to the very end. 

Thank you sweet lady, for displaying your beauty tucked in the Scripture with care,

I can't wait to meet you and I know my mother, grandmother and co-laborers will all see you there!

The Hard and the Holy

 Help me, Lord help me. Help me worship you in the hard and holy.

Help me lay prostrate for as long as it takes. I’ll worship you while my heart breaks. 

Help me worship you in the hard and the holy. 

You are Jehovah Adonai… and 

all my days I’ll sing of your glory. 

But again, I ask you LORD, help me worship in the hard and the holy.

Bitterness and strife attempt to steal my joy, but I’ve learned to preach the gospel to myself. 

Who do I have but you?

What more can I ask but to learn from you?

Where can I run but to you?

Help me worship you in the hard and holy.

I lay prostrate tears fall on the carpet floor…

To you alone Worship was designed for.

Ancient of Days, Giver of Life and Eternal Hope forevermore…

Help me worship you in the hard and holy.

To you alone my heart doth beat so this praise song mingled with lament my soul shall repeat…

Help me worship you in the hard and holy.

Others may laugh me to scorn, friends of Job they carry on…

Still Yahweh of Host I choose this request all the day long…

Help me worship you in the hard and holy.

One day the hard will be violently taken away, the holy alone will forever remain.

You are God, You are Good and the Promises of your Word shall never wane. 

Grant me the desires of my heart to worship you in this hard desert land, until that final day when more of your glory  I will see…

Every day Abba Father, more of you and a lot less of me…

Help me worship you in the hard and holy.

A New Prayer A New Song: A Sound Mind

May the LORD touch Isaac's inner thought life, heal him and give him a sound mind.

May Isaac not overthink or under-think.

May Isaac not over-feel or under-feel...God Almighty Giver of Good Gifts- give Isaac a sound mind.

May the anxious thoughts fly away like the balloons he loves to release.

Abba Father hear my cry!

Lord Jesus, Lord of Heaven, give Isaac a sound mind.

We were at the beach, all was serene...but things were not precisely as they seem...

Jesus Christ, the Holy One, give Isaac a sound mind.

He became upset, the torrential rains of a melt down began...

I do not know where one melt down ends, and a new one shall commence...

Abba Father, dear Parent in Heaven, give Isaac a sound mind.

He knows not what to do...constant caregiving is assigned to him...

It was not his fault as John 9 so clearly explains, but by God's Sovereign grace, this life

was pre-ordained.

Holy Spirit, Great Comforter, give Isaac a sound mind.

He likes the same things over and over. He repeats phrases, and loves to count with numbers.

He doesn't make sense, scripting the schedule of the day over and over...

I wish I could relate, I wish for just one day I could be his friend.

Dear Spirit of the Living God, give Isaac a sound mind.

Speech often coarse and unintelligible, listen attentively to what he's trying to say.

Oh thank you dear LORD, no melt downs so far today...

Yahweh of Hosts, Isaac's battle fighter, give him a sound mind.

I never thought to pray over his thoughts, as scrambled and chaotic as they might be...

You created him special and what's dark to others is bright as day to thee...

Elohim Creator God, give him a sound mind.

Isaac's disability is obvious; any onlooker can tell.

When he does something strange it rings an inner bell.

"Oh yeah, I have a disabled relative too, someone I knew from afar...

but this kid is aggressive, you can't even interact with him or share his space.

It's like he is other worldly not really belonging to this human race."

God of Jacob, Lord of heaven and earth, give Isaac a sound mind.

Others have issues and disabilities too. 

The sin problem exists for me and it is true for you too.

Our disability is hidden, masked like a plastic façade you can't see it until you pray.

Your sin issue was showing, it leaked out the other day.

All have sinned and fall short of God's glory, the scripture declares.

Isaac's issue is inner mind disability He can't explain what is going on...

We are always guessing always problem solving, always trying to tap in...

But again the underlying problem is not autism -the deeper root of the problem is sin.

Isaac is disabled within at no fault of his own.

But by God's grace in heaven a new body he'll finally embrace.

Our sin must be pardoned, we must let Christ Jesus be our Advocate- only He can overturn our case.

The sins pile to the sky and wrap around the galaxy and then come back.

Christ's blood is sufficient, He paid for every sin, skillfully living a righteous life on our behalf.

Oh Isaac I sing "Jesus Loves Me" to you, I remind you each day. 

I must remind myself when my patience runs thin and on empty my tank often remains.

My cup runneth over the Psalmist David reminds me, and Jesus said

for you shall know the Truth and the Truth shall set you free.

Oh Isaac, my boy you are now a young man, go ahead splash around in the ocean and feel free to play like a toddler in the sand.

You are grown and it's hard, but my faith is secure, for a sound mind is gifted as we dig deep into God's Holy Word.

You may not be able to read the Bible, or write an essay, or attend church, but the Gospel you're life is preaching like a modern chapter and verse.

You teach me, you teach Daddy and big sister Livy too.

For a sound mind we have learned to appreciate while we daily care and pray often for you. 

A New Song I sing out of the mouth of babes it is released,

for the curse is broken, and a new song is birthed out of hope and peace.

Jehovah Shalom we are grateful that we can love those who are hard to love;

Grant us patience, wisdom and insight to care for those with special needs and trapped in their minds. 

For God our Creator makes all creatures even people like Isaac....

For in reality we are all misfits who need our Savior's pardon and grace to radiate upon us like sunshine.