Trials Refine you, but Do not Define You

 My husband and I are blessed to celebrate 26 years of marriage this month (July 2025).

We have grown up together. We love each other.

We have cried together and prayed together and slammed doors too. 

We have used words to cut and to sew.

We have been best friends and have ran both hot and cold, but thankfully never luke warm. We have learned to forgive because we have been greatly forgiven by God Almighty.

Christ has been the King of our marriage, the captain of our ship and the head of our home.

We do not get to go on dates like we used to.

We previously visited Cambria every year for our anniversary. 

My beloved husband- a school teacher- never needed to "ask for the day off" in July. 

A perfect anniversary month for us.

We would go on a mini-adventure- just the two of us- somewhere- any where (locally in California) to connect, reflect, have long devotions without Olivia saying "mommy mommy" or Isaac screaming, squealing, or needing my attention and caregiving.

As Isaac aged, so did we.

Sadly, we cannot leave him "overnight" with Nana Becky like the good ole days, but we are trying to savor the good ole todays.

This week, on a Thursday morning we were blessed with a date at Brandon's diner. We were the youngest couple in there. I saw a man open the door for his bride, she walked with a cane, and he had a digital watch and a large belly. They were old, tired and adorable. Their eyes still twinkled and smiled at each other.

My husband and I were smiling at each other in our booth gazing at menus and enjoying the short but sweet Isaac free time. 

My husband said something profound.

"I am not defined by autism."

We talk about Isaac a lot.

A LOT.

Being a full time special mom and a full time special dad is exhausting, perplexing and all consuming. 

You can literally get wrapped up the identity of autism.

We do thank God we can be Isaac's caregiver parents, but we are not defined by his disability.

I thought a lot about what Chuck said...

Autism does not define me.

Then I thought more...

Trials do refine you, but they do not define you.

Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Jonah will forever be linked to a whale.

However, the first thing we teach our kids to sing is that "Jonah was a prophet."

He was a prophet first, the whale came later.

The other day I was praying.

I called out to the LORD 

"God, thank you for my husband. Thank you that I am Chuck's wife. Thank you that I am Olivia and Isaac's mom. But first and foremost Jesus, I thank you that I am Yahweh's daughter."

God's first, roles on earth second.

That includes our trials. 

I have a few friends who have lost their children to cancer.

I have several friends who are widows.

I have other friends who are special needs parents.

All of these people I am referring to are my sisters in the LORD.

I am part of God's family first, the specific trial or thorn placed in me life to refine me is second. 

I share all of this because trials can be loud.

Trials can be so loud, they make you tired, bitter and calloused. Trials can a game changer.

I can say like Job "Naked I came into the world and naked I'll return." but still even  yet, I will praise you LORD.

Or I can say like Job's wife "curse God and die."

We must look at the trial from the lens of the gift giver. 

God does allow trials, tests, painful experiences and thorns for a purpose- to refine us- to conform us s to the image of Christ.

But please do not make the mistake of letting the trial write your story. God is still God and the trial is a part of your life yes, but it is not LIFE. Jesus is the Way, the Truth and the Life.

Jesus is the Resurrection and the Life.

When Saul met Christ on the road to Damascus, he was forever changed. It was God who did the changing. Saul was blind for a short period of time.

Others in scripture and even today were born blind, and died blind.

John 9 speaks to the issue- 

 

And as Jesus passed by, he saw a man which was blind from his birth.

And his disciples asked him, saying, Master, who did sin, this man, or his parents, that he was born blind?

Jesus answered, Neither hath this man sinned, nor his parents: but that the works of God should be made manifest in him.

I must work the works of him that sent me, while it is day: the night cometh, when no man can work.

As long as I am in the world, I am the light of the world.

When he had thus spoken, he spat on the ground, and made clay of the spittle, and he anointed the eyes of the blind man with the clay,

And said unto him, Go, wash in the pool of Siloam, (which is by interpretation, Sent.) He went his way therefore, and washed, and came seeing. (John 9:1-7)

Christ uses the trials of life that the works of God should be manifest in us.

God told Paul clearly in 2 Corinthians 12:9

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me."

We aren't doing as Paul advised. We are not gladly boasting in our weaknesses.

No. We are moping. We are losing faith and praying less.

We are letting the trial define us. We let the trial consume our brain space and every waking hour we are obsessively trying to figure out a way  out of the trial.

The way is always THROUGH.

You would never tell a widow or widower or someone enduring a hardship -

“Don’t worry! You’ll get over this.”

No way.

We say “You will get through this. With God’s help you will. He will get you through.”

There is an assumption that there is another side to “this” part of the trial.

There is a point.

The point of the trial is to change us and conform us to God, to look like the Son, to be sensitive to the Spirit. God teaches us individually and then later uses us to impact others with the comfort we have received we can give it out to others.

God builds our character in the trial.

We learn in the furnace, but we learn little if we focus on the eject button instead of pressing the surrender button.

Oh God Almighty!

How we have so much to learn here!

I am grateful for the words of my husband that hung in the air refreshing my soul and reminding me that trials do refine us, but they do not define us. We are children of God and you can do with us as you wish. We will choose to worship you no matter what the “end” of the trial looks like. We ask forgiveness for our grumpiness and shaking our fist at you wondering why our prayers are not answered speedily. You are God, we are not. Your blood is sufficient. If you allowed this season, or perplexing situation to come to our life than we choose to trust you. We bow the knee and say have your way God. Master Teacher! Rabbi Jesus teach us your way and help us navigate through this in the most God honoring way. In Jesus’ Name Amen