Detour

 Detours/Change of Plans

◄ 1 Thessalonians 2:18 ►

For we wanted to come to you—certainly I, Paul, did, again and again—but Satan blocked our way. (NIV)

That snake -the serpent of old can’t stop our prayers!

At this moment I am in a hotel in Utah.

Olivia asleep (16)

Isaac asleep (14)

Summer vacation plans gone awry.

Detour.

We planned to drive through Utah & Idaho on our way to Montana.

We planned months ago to visit our friends in Livingston Montana.   

We packed.

We set all our affairs in order.

We asked friends to water our plants, feed the cat & feel free to use our pool too!

We got money for gas (no small expense, due to the recession in Southern Calif the price is over $6.00 a gallon!) 

I even had to make arrangements for an attorney to fill in for me at a court appearance in Pomona (vacations & rest are important right?) 

Last year, in 2021 my husband and I prayed and we decided it’s probably best not to travel to remote distances any more.

Isaac had 3 seizures in 2020. 

Although he has been seizure free since Nov 2020, we do not feel the same. We aren’t the same.

Just like life has changed since COVID emerged, life for the Gonzalez’ changed post epilepsy. 

We decided to go back to Livingston, visit our friends but we had no expectations- things could happen …and we needed to go on an adventure again.

It’s raining in Montana right now.

Not a big deal right?

WRONG.

They had 8 inches in 2 days.

2 bridges were washed out & they evacuated Yellowstone.  

Excuse me?

Yes.

They evacuated the first designated National Park. Yellowstone National Park

Needless to say, we aren’t going to Montana.  

I tried so hard not to cry.

I felt like the girl who stubbed her toe so bad but didn’t want to cry in front of friends so she bit her lip as a distraction… 

I held it together for a few hours….but when Isaac said “SWIMPING”

I decided I would go in the spa and let the tears flow, here in Utah, on vacation, in tears yet again. 

It’s ok God

It’s ok.

It’s ok.

Be with our friends!

Keep them safe!

Help us LORD know what to do next.

You see, “National Park adventures” 

That was our thing.

My husband would plan, research, pack accordingly, and hit the road.

Olivia and Isaac have been coming along since they were babies! 

When Isaac had the seizure in Idaho after we finished driving through Yellowstone I literally said to myself “I’m never going back to Montana”

I thought if I said “I hate you Montana” and vowed to never visit there it was like an outlet for my pain…

….but it doesn’t work that way. 

Pain must be processed. 

David couldn’t go “around” the valley of the shadow of death…he had to go through it (Psalm 23)

Jesus didn’t go around the Garden of Gethsemene before getting to Calvary, He had to go through. (John 17)

Same for us.

Pain must be chewed,  processed, refined and eventually God uses it and turns ashes into beauty. He is so creative.

My friends are special. 

They put the dogs away because Isaac is frightened of them. 

They decided & made plans to buy our favorite foods & snacks.

They redecorated to make it more comfortable.  

They mentioned the rain, but we had no idea it would be like this! 

Neither did they.

I could say something cute like “well I guess God took us on a detour.”

Although that statement is TRUE, it doesn’t soften the blow. 

Someone I know recently had a miscarriage… 

I asked someone to pray for this little family of three that was supposed to turn into a family of 4 (baby 2 expected in September 2022) 

The response was “You know. Something was probably very wrong with the baby. These things happen for a reason”    

This is the WORST thing to say to someone who is currently hurting.  

Whether it is the unexpected loss of a vacation plan or a loss of a child.

You want to scream “well whatever the reason is, the reason SUCKS!”

Adult tantrums are real~ I call them mommy melt downs.

We aren’t to lie to ourselves, tape Romans 8:28 to the situation, dust off the dirt & say “all is honky dorry now!”

No.

We can cry.

We can scream and then we can and must still praise the LORD.

We can give God our honest conversations…

Lord be with us! 

For all of life is really a detour

Prov 3:5-6 

  

 

Not Yet Butterflies

 Caregiver fatigue 

I remember The first time I heard that term…

I was so relieved. I thought I was crazy. As a mom of a special needs child I knew that my role ~my job ~ my calling was going to be taxing but I didn’t realize it was an actual “thing” 

I never knew of “caregiver fatigue”

“The human spirit can endure a sick body, but who can bear a crushed spirit?”

‭‭Proverbs‬ ‭18:14‬ ‭NLT‬‬

“The spirit of a man will sustain him in sickness, But who can bear a broken spirit?”

‭‭Proverbs‬ ‭18:14‬ ‭NKJV‬‬

As moms, dads (or aunties/uncles, grandmas/grandpas) we all know what it’s like to feel exhausted…

You make the meals and you clean up from the meals then you make the snacks then you pack the snacks …then you go on a Costco run…. then you help the children brush their teeth you read them their nighttime devotion …you cook dinner then you clean up from dinner …then you meal prep for the next week…. you washed the laundry…. you pack lunches….

Then you do it all over again and again for years…

You talk to children on your laps you play with them you push them on the swing your walk around with them in strollers …you pack your trunk with goodies for the children and extra water bottles to keep them hydrated… you kiss boo-boos when children fall down…. You listen and dry their tears when they’re hurt by a friend…

But for a special needs parent that child never goes away from your lap…

For us (and for our family) that toddler stays a toddler in his mind even though he’s a young man….

There’s a song by The Smiths that I love very much…

….When you laugh about people who feel so very lonely

Their only desire is to die

Well, I'm afraid

It doesn't make me smile

I wish I could laugh

… But that joke isn't funny anymore

It's too close to home

And it's too near the bone

It's too close to home

And it's too near the bone

More than you'll ever know ...

I've seen this happen in other people's

Lives

Oh ...

And now it's happening in mine

Happening in mine

Happening in mine

Happening in mine

Happening in mine

I’ve shared this story before but I think it is worth repeating…

Years ago I wanted to run a quick errand and go to stater brothers with Isaac. He was already becoming quite a challenge and he would run away from me I was afraid for his safety because he didn’t understand and he would run outside where the cars are. I decided to do the errand anyway (me and Isaac all by ourselves) I went to the grocery store and sure enough Isaac’s running away from me I keep rallying him back to me so that he would not leave or runaway where I couldn’t find him…

The clerk asks me “how old is your son… he is so handsome.” We engage in small talk and I tell her that he’s autistic she says “oh I know! my nephew has autism it’s only gonna get harder”

I was so upset but I told her “oh no ma’am you don’t understand! we have Jesus, look at him !! he doesn’t have cancer he doesn’t have tubes all over of his body… he can walk and run and smile and laugh he is going to be fine, we have Jesus”

I walked out of the store full of joy because I know that I told her the Truth.

But the irony is she told me something that was “half true.” 

It was going to get harder and it it has gotten harder… I can picture her face and hear her words echoing in my ears all the time…

I hear Morrissey’s voice in my head again

I've seen this happen in other people's

Lives

And now it's happening in mine

I remember when Isaac was young and I used to think “how is he ever going to shave his face?”

Will he ever learn how to do it? Will Chuck do it for him ? 

Will I do it for him?

He wouldn’t let me put a Band-Aid on him put medicine on a cut…

I still brush his teeth he doesn’t know how to wipe his own bottom thoroughly (and he still doesn’t know how to do that)

Last night Isaac was in the bath and I shaved his face and his chin and under his neck…

He let me do it and it’s actually quite calming…

But it’s very surreal…

My little boy is not a little boy. My young man is not a young man. He’s Isaac.

He’s a sweet boy with disabilities that’s trapped in a maturing adolescent body…

It’s very weird, it’s very sobering and heart wrenching and I cry a lot…

I wish I could laugh

… But that joke isn't funny anymore

Last night I was talking to Lord about it and praying and crying…

I said “Lord I’ve always loved my role as mother and I’ve always love the idea of becoming a friend to my adult child too but this role of caregiver is punching me in the gut”

Please be clear. It’s not the tasks. It’s not even his disability. It’s his reaction to me.

Because he’s experiencing puberty everything that I do “annoys” him and he lashes out at me and it gets me very sad inside…

Once again- caregiver fatigue…

The person you are caring for gets fatigued too. They get fatigued by YOU doing all of their care and they can’t do it on their own ….they want independence and autonomy but they can’t have it…

It’s exhausting…

One definition of Caregiver fatigue reads- Caregiver fatigue or caregiver burnout – occurs when the caregiver feels physically, emotionally, and physically exhausted, often leading to a change in attitude. Negative feelings toward the job and the care recipient often accompany the mind state, sometimes causing feelings of resentment.

It’s very similar to the tension we experience with the LORD.

The Spirit & flesh -always at war within each other…

Anakin & Darth Vader

Romans 7:14-25

“We know that the law is spiritual; but I am unspiritual, sold as a slave to sin. 

I do not understand what I do. 

For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do.

And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good.

As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me.

For I know that good itself does not dwell in me, that is, in my sinful nature.

For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. 

For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing.

Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.

So I find this law at work: Although I want to do good, evil is right there with me. 

For in my inner being I delight in God’s law;

but I see another law at work in me, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within me. 

What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body that is subject to death?

Thanks be to God, who delivers me through Jesus Christ our Lord!

So then, I myself in my mind am a slave to God’s law, but in my sinful nature a slave to the law of sin.”

It has been said pain is God’s megaphone.  

“We can ignore even pleasure. But pain insists upon being attended to. God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our conscience, but shouts in our pains: it is His megaphone to rouse a deaf world....No doubt pain as God's megaphone is a terrible instrument; it may lead to final and unrepented rebellion. But it gives the only opportunity the bad man can have for amendment. it removes the veil; it plants the flag of truth within the fortress of the rebel soul.”

C.S. Lewis, The Problem of Pain

Well if pain is God’s megaphone, perhaps fatigue is God’s post it note.

“Don’t cook dinner, we’re eating out tonight” 

-Jesus

The LORD whispers

Matthew 11:28-30

“Come to Me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me; for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls”

Jeremiah 31:25 says 

“I will refresh the weary and satisfy the faint.”

Sometimes I am so weary I don’t want to talk or even think about autism.

I just speak the Name of Jesus…

HE IS THE ANSWER to all types of fatigue.

Keep going saints.

We’re not home yet!

Yesterday I wore one of my favorite butterfly necklaces…

Two people in the community commented that they liked it.

I mentioned to one of the ladies at Isaac’s school

 I said “butterflies remind me of Isaac. Once God whispered to me, Isaac is just not a butterfly yet.”

Lord thank you for the gift of life. Thank you Jesus for all the caterpillars you put in our lives that we are able to tend to and one day you will transform them into butterflies. 

We are weary… we are burdened we are fatigued and truly that joke isn’t funny anymore….But God, we thank you Jesus that the war of flesh was conquered at Calvary‘s cross and one day we will be in a  new sanctified body and the old will pass away and all things will be made new. In Jesus’ Name we pray AMEN

Lost in HIS eyes

 When I was a little girl I was not into Madonna or Janet Jackson or Prince I loved and adored Debbie Gibson…

I remember listening to the song “Foolish Beat” over and over again. 

There was something about the way that she sang and the way that she played piano and she even wrote her own music…. I thought I was her biggest fan.

The Debbie Gibson concert

The very first concert I ever went to as a little girl …was the Debbie Gibson concert at the Great Western Forum… my mom and dad took me …and it was a night I’ll never forget. 

*Lately I have been feeling very lost*

I know that God is with me and He will never leave me nor forsake me. 

“I know that my redeemer lives.”

I know that even though I might feel alone, I’m never alone- for God is my helper and my hope. I know that Jesus loves me …I trust the Bible tells me so. 

I know that my good Shepherd died on the cross for me and that He keeps me under His careful watch…

Even though I know these things in my head, I still have been “feeling” lost. 

I’ve been feeling lost as a wife… lost as a mother to a teen daughter…lost as a mother to a teen autistic son. Lost as a woman… I’ve been so low and down…

I wanted to share this with you. 

I know that I’m not lost!

I know the truth that my feelings fail me. 

I know that these emotions aren’t real and they don’t have intellect but I feel them nonetheless. (My son is entering high School & it has my emotions all over the place!) 

God is faithful… the other day the Lord reminded me of an old Debbie Gibson song “Lost in Your Eyes”

This is a song I sang over and over again.

 I would play the song on my cassette player. I even had the record too.

“Lost in Your Eyes” was a big hit for Debbie Gibson. 

Here are some of the lyrics:

“I get lost in your eyes

And I feel my spirits rise

And soar like the wind

Is it love that I am in?

I get weak, in a glance

Isn't this what's called romance?

And now I know

'Cause, when I'm lost I can let go

I don't mind not knowin' what I'm heading for

You can take me to the skies

It's like being lost in heaven

When I'm lost in your eyes

I just fell, don't know why

Something's there we can't deny

And when I first knew

Was when I first looked at you

And if I can't find my way

If salvation is words away

Oh, I'll be found

When I am lost in your eyes”

You might be thinking-

‘Wow that’s a cheesy pop love song from the 80s alright’  It’s cool, my feelings aren’t hurt. 

I realized that when I’m lost, floundering, sad, bogged down by the cares of the world, beat up by autism (figuratively & literally) it’s ok to get Lost in His Eyes.

God is El Roi- the God who sees me.

He sees me when I go to sleep sad. He sees me when I’m drained from Isaac‘s behaviors. He sees me when I feel like I’m not enough. He sees me when my teen daughter rolls her eyes at me. He sees me when I go to the store all alone…

He sees me when I make Isaac‘s breakfast every morning. He sees me when I prepare Isaac’s anti-seizure medicine for him to drink every morning and every afternoon. He sees my pain. He sees those memories that flood me from July 4, 2020 when Isaac had a grand mal seizure in the car… or before that in May 2020 when Isaac pulled out a chunk of hair from my head while I was driving…

He sees me. He sees how sad I get when I look at old pictures of my family. We look happy we look strong we look like better. 

Now I look at our recent family pictures and I see wrinkles on us ….I see how autism has aged us ….I see how Isaac is taller and stronger and has hairy legs like a man…

Jesus sees everything. 

He sees me when I wake up at 4:30 and I can’t sleep and I read through the Psalms. He sees me as I read two verses and break into tears. He sees me when I walk into the backyard look up at the moon and say “Jesus help!”

He sees me when I can’t even talk I just whisper prayers over Isaac.

He sees me when I scroll on Instagram and long to have these images as my own a life that these people have -a life without autism -a life with less pain…

He sees me when I pray and I ask God to save souls. 

He sees me when I read His Word and He watches me become whole as I let His Word water me. 

So I will gladly say that “ I’m lost in His eyes”

I’m lost without Jesus but I’m completely found and held by Him! 

You see emotions are just a training ground…

We can either let our emotions guide us towards Jesus or we will let our emotions roll over us like a brutal master. 

Feeling lost is not so bad when you’re lost in The Eyes of a Loving Savior !

So go ahead lift up your eyes and weary head and get lost in His love ALL over again!