Lonely at Valentine’s Day

Feb 13, 2019

I woke up this day with her on my heart.

It’s almost Valentine’s Day... and she’s wounded I thought... 

Whether it was an intentional wound like divorce, adultery, abandonment or emotional withdrawal... she’s left alone.

I hate the commercial nature of Valentine’s Day.

I’ve been married for 20 years and no hallmark card, box of chocolate, red rose or gift can make me feel like knowing Jesus.

Jesus is the missing part.

Everyone needs Jesus, so we all carry that wound, or emptiness inside.

Only Jesus can fill us and make us fully satisfied. 

Dear sister- 

My prayer is that you will redeem the day! Hug your mom, dad, sister, brother, child, pet or even best friend, and know that God is “El Roi” He sees you. 

Oh yes He sees you.

He sees how you prayed and prayed for a spouse, for a life partner and the enemy robbed that from you.

He sees (now this applies only to some of you) 

how you ache when you must text this man who is now only known as 

“The kids’ father ” to ask for money because they are growing out of their shoes so quickly.

He (our Perfect Father) sees how TV shows like the Bachelor, or romantic comedies make you cringe, because deep deep down, you either

“Want” that Romance or you once had it and because of betrayal ... lost it... and really... it was a lie.

He sees your desire for romance...

Let God in.

It’s ok to cry today, or any other day you miss having a spouse, or close friend to connect with.

There is nothing wrong with that desire.

But dear one, I pray you don’t settle!

Don’t settle for the man who is not sold out to Christ. 

Or for the brother, don’t settle for the nice girl, who doesn’t read her Bible or desire to go to church or pray with you.

God didn’t settle for allowing you to linger in His outer courts. 

NO 

Jesus died, He sacrificed His body so you can come in... so you could come close... so you can enter into the throne room behind the veil.  Inside the veil (like a “dressing room” type area where only intimate people can see each other).

God wants you.

ALL OF YOU.

God desires the most intimate fantastic love with you.

Yes earthly relationships are wonderful...

But feelings fade....

Attractions even fade...

And a good marriage takes a lot of work.

God desires our marriages to be blessed with Him in the center...

If you are unmarried...or married...

Widowed... single... divorced.... or even separated... 

Let God love you.

Let God romance you.

Enjoy intimacy with the Lord.

Write love letters to Him and cry out all of your prayers.

Psalm 37:4

Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart. 

Yes Sensei!

The fear of the LORD is the beginning of wisdom, and the knowledge of the Holy One is understanding

Prov 9:10

January is the first month of the year...

Genesis is the first book of the Bible and when we read it, we see the “beginning” 

In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth. Gen 1:1

John 1:1 reads “In the beginning was the Word” 

Let’s Jump forward to John’s Gospel.

John 13:3-7 

“Jesus knew that the Father had delivered all things into His hands, and that He had come from God and was returning to God. So He got up from the supper, laid aside His outer garments, and wrapped a towel around His waist. After that, He poured water into a basin and began to wash the disciples’ feet and dry them with the towel that was around Him. He came to Simon Peter, who asked Him, “Lord, are You going to wash my feet?”Jesus replied, “You do not realize now what I am doing, but later you will understand.” 

I love this picture and I love and treasure Jesus’ words here. You see I often wonder at what in the world Jesus is up to.

I know Jesus is Lord, King, Sovereign and able to do above and beyond all I could ask or think of... 

....but I don’t get it....

I just don’t understand what He is up to.

I love the movie Karate Kid.

I can watch it over and over again.

We love when the kid that gets bullied ends up winning the trophy.

It’s awesome!

The other day I was thinking about how as Christians we are in training.

Psalm 18:34

He trains my hands for battle; my arms can bend a bow of bronze. 

Psalm 144:1

Blessed be the LORD, my rock, Who trains my hands for war, And my fingers for battle; 

We are in a REAL spiritual battle.

We get that.

Jesus is the Victor.

We get that too.

But your methods Lord... they seem kind of odd, kind of weird, kind of strange.

Enter Mr Myagi.

Where did Daniel go to initially to learn karate?

He went to the Cobra Kai studio.

He went to the “world’s” way of training 

This would not work.

He needed a new Sensei ...(or teacher)

He goes to Mr Myagi who tells him to wax the car. Wax on, wax off...

You gotta be kidding me.

Then paint the fence...

Not right and left horizontally... but up and down.... breathe in, breathe out.

Daniel did not understand Mr Myagi’s methods and in fact at one point he starts feeling like a fool.

But then Mr Myagi lets loose and let’s Daniel in on something...

He has been teaching him Karate the whole time! 

Similarly, our Rabbi, our Master Teacher Jesus is slowly, faithfully, and daily teaching us...

Wax, on wax off...

Breathe in, breathe out...

Since “The fear of the LORD is the beginning of wisdom, and the knowledge of the Holy One is understanding” 

Prov 9:10 we must go back to the beginning.

Fear God.

That’s step one.

Reverence Him

Worship Him. 

Learn His ways.

Study the Gospels.

Notice sometimes Jesus is stern (He calls the religious leaders out “you are white washed walls.” Ouch!) 

Other times He is tender, holding up children and praying for them.

Jesus.

He is our sensei.

He wants us to learn from Him!

He actually says “Learn from me”

Matthew 11:28-30

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”

I do not understand His methods of training.

I might feel foolish, but I choose to fight my flesh and my strong desire to “understand “ what Jesus is doing...

Instead, I will daily check in with Him

“What is on the agenda today Jesus ?” 

Paint a fence, wash the car, sand the floor? Fold clothes, pray with someone? 

I’ll do it; I’ll obey because I trust you and I will obey your teachings... you are training me to be a warrior for your kingdom! 

Reward, Achievement and Checking the Box

A friend of mine in law school once said  

“Cs get degrees” 

I had never heard that before!

Average...

Most of us don’t want to be average.

Some of us are programmed to be “do-ers” 

There are lots of dreamers but the key is do-ers

Jon Courson said recently in a sermon... 

“Successful people get things done ...”

True. 

Now is the time to follow through !

Give Jesus your best- the morning devotion, your heart, the tithe, etc. 

Though he was rich yet for your sake he became poor!

But for some of us we tend to be natural at getting grades or earning trophies or driven to be busy with activity we need to focus on what Jesus did when he departed to pray...
We need to slow down...
Jesus was about His Father ‘s business...

Jesus was able to set aside those early morning intimate moments with God to pray ...to be still ... 

I cannot be so activity driven that I use up all of my energy and become depleted and drained. 

Remember when Jesus  was in the boat? He was sleeping... He was so exhausted from ministry and then the wind and the waves begin to come and they said (paraphrase)

“Jesus! Wake up! Don’t  you care that we’re perishing? 

Jesus rebuked them. He calmed the wind and waves, but He was troubled at their assessment of the situation. 

I can get depleted, drained fatigued.

But I don’t stop...

I keep going...

Now I must confess, I do sleep well

7-8 hours every night.

But for me, getting sleep is not the issue.

For me, I need to not beat myself up if my “to do” list is too long, or I don’t complete the tasks I have assigned myself.

I need to during the day to stop and pray and read, or to just breathe.

I often ... go go go go. 

And God is telling me to slow down.

You see for me, I love to be still. I love to sit in a prayer meeting or at a retreat and date Jesus. For me, that’s not the issue... the issue is my daily activity driven behavior that incorrectly skew my view of my self.

I got 10 things done. 

Woo-hoo I had a great day.

I only accomplished 4 things today. Man God, am I lazy, was I on social media too much? Please God help me be better at time management 

Laura- 

Time management isn’t the issue- your estimation of a successful day, or unsuccessful day is the problem.

This is the day the Lord has made, not this is the day Laura has made.

I’m the maker of heaven and earth and I am the one who gives your life value and meaning!

I made you to be like Mary, so stop trying to be like Martha. 

I read a beautiful article : 

“10 Ways to Simplify Your Life in 2019”

And here are some take aways I learned ... 

Ask yourself “is that little check mark worth it?” 

“It’s not all about saying ‘no’—you also need to know when to say ‘yes.’ Approach God in prayer and ask Him to lead you. God will show you what He needs from you. Before you fill your calendar, ask where He may need you to leave a little space open for Him.”

Look at what God told Abraham 

Genesis 15:1

 After this, the word of the Lord came to Abram in a vision:

“Do not be afraid, Abram.

    I am your shield,

    your very great reward”

God Himself is the reward we are all longing for. Not checked boxes, or even ministries we have completed... but to truly be like Mary- sitting at Jesus’ feet is the ultimate reward! 

To Transfer This Pain, Press 1

Pain transference 

A friend of mine was going through a tough trial.

Her heart was so heavy she said she thought about driving over the edge of the freeway... trying to kill her self.

At that moment God spoke to her heart saying: 

“If you do that, the pain won’t go away, it will just be transferred”

This Truth has stuck with me and I’m thankful for it. 

Pain doesn’t evaporate.

Pain might lessen or get dulled over time, but it’s still there...

When a little girl is hurt by her daddy, that pain gets transferred to her boyfriend or perhaps later to a husband.

When a little boy is hurt by others, he can later become a bully at his workplace. 

When a parent dies young, that pain can be transferred to drinking, drug use, party life, or even anger towards God. 

When someone kills himself, the pain often gets transferred to the family.

The pain doesn’t go away... it’s just transferred.

We all walk around with wounds. 

However, we don’t have to live wounded. 

The wounds don’t leave us, but we can choose to transfer the pain to Jesus.

Jesus is the ultimate pain taker.

One thing I have learned about pain is that it makes us humans vulnerable and irrational.

I remember a friend telling me that when she was giving birth to her first child (without an epidural) she thought, “Jesus just take me. Kill me now, because this pain is not tolerable!” 

Yes child birth is indeed painful (with or without an epidural) but to wish for death in that moment is not reasonable or rationale. 

Pain calls for a release and relief- that’s where Jesus comes in...  

Here’s the amazing thing about God-

He knows all about pain and He wants us, invites us to transfer it to Him. 

Jesus knows pain ... personally.

He was despised and rejected by mankind, a man of suffering, and familiar with pain. Like one from whom people hide their faces he was despised, and we held him in low esteem

Isaiah 53:3 (NIV) 

Surely our griefs He Himself bore, And our sorrows He carried; Yet we ourselves esteemed Him stricken, Smitten of God, and afflicted.

Isaiah 53:4 

NASB 

Familiar with pain and yet He invites us to give it to Him, to transfer it to Him.

“Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.””

Matthew 11:28-30 NKJV

Dear beloved in Christ, 

I’m sorry for the pain you are enduring. I’m sorry for the hurt that just seems to never go away. Please know you are not alone. God knows what pain is like. He watched as Jesus hung on the cross to save the world. God is not a distant being, He is as close as your breathe. The pain you experienced feels unnatural and that is because you are not made for this world. Jesus created you for heaven, for eternal life. Transfer your pain to Jesus, hand it to Him because it’s not your pain to bear. He wants to carry it for you. Yes you will feel the wound, but you will always smile knowing Jesus took the bigger share of pain and He will right all wrongs one day in heaven. 

Contentment at Christmas

“And when eight days were completed for the circumcision of the Child, His name was called JESUS, the name given by the angel before He was conceived in the womb.”

Luke 2:21 NKJV

Contentment at Christmas 

Christmas stirs up ALL types of emotions- joy, sadness, delight, pain. Just like Mary... she grabbed her tummy during each contraction... the pain is real... but joy was coming! New birth! We praise Jesus the newborn king - destined to die- and then RISE!

The Lord impressed it upon my heart recently a word "Contentment at Christmas"

“Not that I speak in regard to need, for I have learned in whatever state I am, to be content: I know how to be abased, and I know how to abound. Everywhere and in all things I have learned both to be full and to be hungry, both to abound and to suffer need. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.”

Philippians 4:11-13 NKJV

Contentment isn’t just saying no thank you to that second round of chips and salsa. Contentment is saying 

“The Lord is my Shepherd... I have everything I need” Psalm 23

Some people have very humble Christmas celebrations. No tree... no presents, just family, pozole, and the Scripture promise that Jesus is coming again. 

I mean think of it.... 

What if you woke up on Christmas morning and it was like the Grinch story.

The cookies stolen.

All gift boxes and bags gone.

Even the outside decor, snatched in the night... 

all the fun of Christmas robbed by CNN. 

(Ha ha ha! Just kidding!) 

What if all we had was our Bible, no light display shows, no gatherings with family and friends, just a Bible, and 

Luke chapter 2. 

Would that be enough?

I have struggled with Christmas this year.

Not because I want a new car, a new body, a diamond ring, my two front teeth, or even a white Christmas... 

honestly... all I want for Christmas is a normal family.

I know... as you read this you may think

“Laura, that doesn’t exist!”

But as I scroll on your Instagram feed, or browse on Facebook or look at parents pick up their kids from school looking forward to Christmas break, my family looks nothing like that and I grieve. 

I know ... I know... 

God designed each family different and it’s wrong to envy that family’s vacation home, or that other family’s homeschool journey and this family’s wonderful Christmas outing... 

So I sigh and pray...

I know better.... 

Lord help me be content, all I want for Christmas is Youuuuuu YOU Jesus !

(Sing in Mariah Carey voice) 

My Christmas is hard.

We have melt downs, pinching, whining, biting, sleepless nights, weird behaviors, stress, tears, sobbing, anxiety and the list goes on.

Truly I confess Autism has robbed the fun from Christmas... 

but it’s ok!

I’m free...

I cried, I confessed and repented and I asked God through tears, please take this pain away! 

God wrapped a gift just for me! 

He gave me a Rhema Word just for 

little me...  

I said,

“GOD take this pain away” 

And God responded

“No my daughter, this pain must be processed”

WOW.

My mind is blown and let me explain...

My husband was recently blessed by a Bible teaching where the pastor gave the image of how film must be “processed”

In the old days of film processing, the photo, the image, the negative image must be processed in the dark. Then the beautiful photo, the Ansel Adams gorgeous photograph can only be processed in the dark. 

What do they call “film processing rooms”?

The dark room.

Wow!

God told my heart 

(Not Audibly of course!) 

“This pain must be processed “ 

So while we baked no cookies in our home, we could not avoid melt downs and we had a very stressful Christmas break so far, I’m choosing to be content ...

Jesus 

You are all I need, all our family needs... because that photograph will be processed and as we process this pain, you will imprint YOUR image in us! 

I want...

I want to be more like Isaac...

I want to care less about what I get for Christmas and look at clouds more...

I want to be more like Isaac...

I want to look at a stranger and not see clothes, make up or facial hair or glasses but see into their soul and know they need a hug 

I want to be more like Isaac...

I want to feel with a heart of compassion and not with hesitation 

I want to love Big and grab someone’s face with both hands and say “Hi” In other words- to translate... “I see you, I care and I’m glad you are here” 

I want to be more like Isaac...

I want to be thankful for a new day thankful to jump and squeal for joy because it’s Saturday 

I want to care about the things of this world less and say “Yay” after a great song ends

I want to stare at beautiful Christmas lights in awe and wonder 

I want to be more like Isaac...

I want to taste and see the Lord is good... enjoying a sweet treat like it’s the best most delicious treat ever made

Isaac is different...God made Him special and allows Him to teach me

Sometimes I get angry at disabilities because they trap Isaac and others.... there are challenges yes...but there is also beauty in seeing the world differently 

I want to be more like Isaac...because Isaac is simple and when we get to heaven, He will be embraced by our Maker with child like wonder ... not asking “why?” But simply saying “Hi” 

I’m just a girl...

Remember ....
Remember the No Doubt song?
I’m just a girl...

This popped in my head the other day while I was crying my eyes out.
I confessed, God I am “such a girl”
Let me explain...
I was feeling very down and just needed to get away with God and cry and pray and read.
So I did just that.
Then I said “God I’m so lonely right now.”
Then after I continued to cry, I was glad to be alone then I didn’t like being alone.
“First Lord I wanted to be alone so I could cry in peace, now that I’m alone, I feel lonely and just need a hug....I’m such a girl”
Sometimes I hate the overwhelming emotions that rush through me.
I want to help Isaac but I can’t.
I’m trying to be a faithful, patient wife, but I blow it when I snap.
I love my daughter but at times she is a challenge to keep up with.
I want to help my clients but they need more than I can give.
I’m tired, but there’s still so much to do.
I surrender all!
Oh who am I kidding?
I’m surrendering nothing.
I’m spread thin and an emotional wreck.
I’m such a girl.
Now being a girl is not bad.
It’s quite fun.
However, in these moments of transparency with God I realize how deep I feel and desire and want to be a Proverbs 31 woman.
The thing that breaks me and yet lifts me simultaneously is Jesus.
He knows I’m a girl and I need His strong arms.
I’m weak and get tethered on busy days... I need Him!!!
I need my Good Shepherd to guide me from what’s “good” to His best.
I want to be me, but a Spirit filled me.
I need to let things go...even if I’m on my knees 2-3 or more times a day.
God made me a girl and He doesn’t “just” create with no purpose and plan.
God made me Chucks wife, so He’ll equip me how to love and support him.
God allowed me to raise Olivia and Isaac, and when I release them to their Creator and let
go of my false idea of what it means to be a “good mom” I am free to let the Lord lead me and guide me.
I lack in so many areas...but I am not the Savior and
He knows I lack !
He says “My Grace is Sufficient”
So cry it out. Tell your Abba all your feelings, and be His little girl,
Snuggle up in His lap and be at peace- with the emotional woman He created you to be.