What is Normal

 If Isaac was normal, my life would be so different...

What would it be like without the spectrum?

I would not know the deep dependence on my Father and cry myself to sleep knowing He alone was cradling me..

If it was all a normal autism free life...

If Isaac was normal, my life would be so different...

I would bake cookies with the kitchen door unlocked, I would laugh out loud without fear it might give him a shock, I could call a girlfriend without the conversation irritating him, but I might not know my best friend Jesus 

If it was a simple autism free life...after all

I would go away on an adventure with my husband, I would not need to get so many refills on medications....

I wouldn't crave heaven as much...I wouldn't crave to press in....to touch the hem of His robe longing for the royal touch

If it was just a black and white no spectrum life...after all

He would call a girlfriend or jump in a car with a friend, he would get upset at me for bugging him to clean his room...

He wouldn't reach for my hand in reassurance, or say "Mama be right back" 

He wouldn't smile so big expecting a snack

Might be kinda boring...

If it was a normal autism free life...

I could wrap Christmas presents and put them under the tree

I might think my life was all about me

My daughter might not learn how to weep on bended knee

I might not even wrap my brain around humility

I wouldn't long for eternity with the Son of Man who hung on the tree...I might be quick to speak, slow to listen and quick to complain

I might scroll on my phone in church and ignore my Bible letting it collect dust on the shelf

I might believe life was consumed with body image, outings with friends and picture perfect moments with family

I might not desire God or ever pray

In fact God uses autism to free me from sin

My longings are different 

Please note-My tears do sting yes...

But I have enjoyed deep moments with my head buried on my Savior's chest 

I am glad it's not such a normal life after all..

I see a glimpse of heaven praying each day...

I'll never fully grasp what it all means

No this is not me fulfilling my dreams

My dreams were too small

They were scripted at best

God gave me so much, when He gave me less

He gave me Himself, not an autism free life

His Grace for my daily weakness is so much better than normal

Truly I am learning, it is best to not have an autism free life after all