It's Hard to Stay Mad At You

 It's Hard to Stay Mad At You

By Laura Gonzalez

(An Honest Lament Poem)

It's hard to stay mad at you...

I'm only a few inches shy of five foot tall...

You were so tiny and innocent, no blemish at all...

Your story pre-told, God wrote it in His Book,

by only a few years old... We all took a second look...

Quirky different, no speech, no words like others...

You climbed, jumped, and stimmed...and to Olivia, she noticed you behaved unlike other brothers...

It's hard to stay mad at you...

You don't understand, you are not my little boy any longer...

You are as strong as a man...

Morrissey sang "16 clumsy and shy" but he doesn't understand...the bitter pain in my eyes...

The red hot tears...

The mascara that is pointless-it just drips and smears...

Still, it's hard to stay mad at you...

I love you regardless, my love is here to stay;

I sobbed and sobbed I though loving you through the behaviors was the way...

I loved hard; 

I lamented long...

I look in the mirror and see I was all wrong...

I was wrong for not giving you tough love, STOP, don't bite;

I wimped out and gave in "Here's the cookie. Just stop perseverating alright?"

It's never enough; Your appetite is large; 

My love is like an ocean consumed by a rusty barge;

It's hard to stay mad at you...

My hair loss not from cancer or some other disease...

Gobs of hair on the floor, my soul not at ease...

Yet even through "Super Man Sized" melt downs, it's hard to stay mad at you...

Mad is not my go to emotion, my face is not red from disdain...

My cheeks are flushed in aguish; my soul wrecked in pain...

It's hard to stay mad at you...

People ask

Was it vaccines?

Was it my breast milk?

Was it something in the air?

People think a demonic spirit is in you...

But say it out loud, they don't dare.

It's still very hard to stay mad at you...

I'm at a loss, nothing more to say or do...

I'll sit through the very long IEPs, with my eyes only on you...

On your skin, hair, eyelashes and the words never said...

You know Laura this is not sustainable, put him in a home and get

take care of yourself they said...

But my son, your home is not a house with a roof and four walls...

You dwell in heavenly arms by our God who wears the scars...

Christ will never be mad at you...

January is your birthday month...

The words "happy birthday" we dread for you want goodies now and concepts like "time" you'll never respect...

(or understand for that matter) 

We love you.

We hope for you.

We pray and plead..,,but angry at you is not something my heart can't conceive...

Dearest Isaac, it's not your fault. 

My heart breaks at the memory of the cyst on your brain scan...

Please God heal Isaac's distraught mind for there is glory Jesus to be had!

Yes glory glory you'll one day receive, Christ Jesus from this autism land...