I was just trying to say "Bye"

I was just trying to say bye to you.

I don't know what triggered you.

It seems no matter what I try, you'll never get that I am here for you.

 I was just trying to say bye to you.

I tried to pray, it's ok if your busy holding the iPad getting dressed for the day

I went in your bedroom to say "bye" and you jumped and grumbled...what are you trying to say?

 I was just trying to say bye to you.

You kick, bite, pinch, and pulled my hair really hard

I don't get what I did wrong, I don't get why we have this wrestling match...Holy Spirit protect me, please stand guard!

 I was just trying to say bye to you.

I am your dad, I never had one who was sober and awake...

I love you I try to help you, a nice home for you I'll make...

 I was just trying to say bye to you.

I put in a pool, I bought a new car...

I'll do anything we have to, I'll drive us real far...

 I was just trying to say bye to you.

you'll never understand, "iPad broken" you say in broken speech...

every word you say is confusing...I get scared, beyond your behaviors no one can reach...

 I was just trying to say bye to you.

I pray, please understand, my prayer that morning was more for me than for you...

I've been trained for years and years "this is what good dads should do"

 I was just trying to say bye to you.

"when dad see right back" a snack I must bring

hurry daddy, go inside Lowe's to your hand I used to cling....

 I was just trying to say bye to you.

You were born blue, I knew it then, a different son I just had...

Never a skateboard, a Bible, a notebook in your hand...

 I was just trying to say bye to you.

You are tall now, and with a beard, look like me that you sure do,

but son please calm down, breathe, I don't want to see these things ....my arms are black and blue...

the bruises will heal, the bite marks will too, mom's hair will grow back...but in this season we can't reach you...

 I was just trying to say bye to you.

You used to smile and squeal, jump and play...

after work you would never run up and greet me "hi daddy you're home! did you have a good day? What's up dad? I have a crush on a girl, she's like mom, she loves Jesus a lot"

these kind of phrases are not real, not my reality, not a part of my lot...

mom and I argue about what is best for you...we talk analyze and seek the Holy Spirit's guidance day by day...

you see...through it all...

 I was just trying to say bye to you.

I was just trying to pray....

In heaven you'll be free, no buckle-bot, no broken iPads or broken teeth, under the weight of our sin, Christ was crushed beneath

I'm tired son. I love you. I really really do. This world is a round circle, but what shape are you?

A triangle? A trapezoid? I have tried and tried...all of my dreams...have finally died.

One day in heaven...you'll see my heart beat, with your face written on it "Isaac's daddy" you'll finally meet...we'll all understand!

we can't connect, you and I ....I cannot feel close to you.

 I was just trying to say bye to you...but I'll walk away now...battered and bruised.

I'll pray and wait and let God have His way, until one day my prayers will be answered and you won't push my hugs away....

Momma cries, I invent new systems to help...

but one day Christ's embrace will forever be our rest...

i hope you see by all of this...I am truly just trying my best.

Son, you are my boy, I was there when you fell...

I was there when you broke your teeth...

I was there when you seized.

I was there in the hospital on our way to CHOC, Dr. Loudon you'll meet...

medicines, supplements, a new ipad too...

I'll pray from a distance...

 I was just trying to say bye to you.

Prepared means it is DONE

 Jesus explains to His disciples (Mark 10:34) that He will be mocked (verbally assaulted, slandered, ridiculed and demeaned with words), spit on (the most disgusting insult, also made a Hebrew/Jewish person unclean and humiliated) and scourged (physical beating meant to teach someone ‘lesson’ that if they don’t behave properly they will not just be beaten but publicly stripped naked and whipped with a brutal cat of nine tails to remove flesh from the skin in each crushing blow) ….then killed (the Cross- a “living death” reserved for only the worst offenders). After explaining this, two of His key protege disciples immediately ask in modern terms : 

“when we go to the raging party in heaven, can you make us look good by giving us special privileges and allow us in to the VIP lounge?” We want to sit on your right and left. What a profoundly insensitive request when Jesus just explained Calvary. It might be in a tiny way like asking a mom who just gave birth “so when are you gonna have another?” Jesus doesn’t call fire from heaven for their silly (& rather selfish) request. He explains Sovereignty. In His lovingly corrective Master Rabbi way, He reminds them of the “kingdom” -the small print so to speak. What God says, will be. What God does, cannot be undone. What God prepares can’t be unprepared. God is sovereign. If the Father has already planned for, let’s say the Apostle Paul to have a “closer” seat in heaven to the throne, those seats reserved can’t be swapped, changed or altered. 

God’s perfect will and plan is irrevocable. 

This brings me such tremendous comfort. 

We all love Jeremiah 29:11: “For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope.” 

But most of us are not as familiar with other portions of Jeremiah. 

For exp. “Thus says the Lord of hosts, the God of Israel, to all who were carried away captive, whom I have caused to be carried away from Jerusalem to Babylon:”

‭‭Jeremiah‬ ‭29‬:‭4‬ ‭NKJV‬‬

Catch that!? 

The LORD allowed and caused them to be captured & taken to Babylon. 

God rules.

“For thus says the Lord: After seventy years are completed at Babylon, I will visit you and perform My good word toward you, and cause you to return to this place.”

‭‭Jeremiah‬ ‭29‬:‭10‬ ‭NKJV‬‬

God sent them to captivity just as He said. 

He made precise terms of the length of time, gave them directions while they were there & PROMISED He would end their captivity too. 

We see God’s goodness & sovereignty here. 

He used what He hates to accomplish His will through His people.

He fulfilled that which He had ALREADY planned. 

We can rest in His grace even when times are hard because HE HAS A PLAN. 

I am living in the “messy middle” and so are you….but if we learn anything about Calvary we learn the most horrendous moment in history (Christ died) resulted in the best gift for humanity (salvation). Therefore we can say to our weary soul like David “be strong and let your heart take courage, all you who hope in the Lord” Psalm 31:24 

What ifs- replace with a Biblical Perspective

 *“What if?” thoughts*

Those ugly demonic “what ifs?” can go to Sheol where they belong!!!!!

Let’s practice a God centered what if thought process instead.

What if something bad happens?

Well then I can Trust in the LORD with all my heart and lean not on my own understanding. Something bad did happen when you endured the cross Lord Jesus, but even that was used to save me!

What if I don’t have funds to pay this bill or fill this need!?

Since you are God, I am not god, I can choose to trust in your character- you take care of us & supply more than enough.  It might not look how I imagine, but you will truly take care of me. I can choose to trust that you are Jehovah Jireh, and you provide in supernatural ways that I cannot quite understand at times…. 

my hope and expectation is in you.

What if my child gets sick? Lord you created the earth, and man messed it up when sin entered the human condition.

Accidents do happen. Unexpected illness can happen. Death is inevitable for all of us. I know that you have given us children to love nourish and raise for you Jesus. I know really they belong to you, so I have to surrender any concerns I have of my family to you because you have their best interests in mind always !

What if things (marriage/relationships/work drama/health/church ministry issues)

does not improve?  

Lord, you did not promise a cozy, comfortable life. Quite contrary LORD, you promised us that in this world, we would have trouble you also promise that in your presence is fullness of joy, and that even in pain, there will be a blessing, because when there are trials-in tests we grow.

Although I pray and fast and wait on you, I know that the reality is sometimes things do not get better. 

Sometimes they actually get harder and more difficult with each passing day.

I know that every day that I’m on this earth, it is a day closer to being with you in eternity !

Although I have long for and crave for improvement in this situation I know that your hand is upon me, and you will not allow anything to be too harsh that it would crush me beyond your saving grace.

In fact, your Word says nothing can separate me from your love, so I surrender the reality that things in this life might not get better, but one day I will be with you which is actually the best place. I’m on a journey to my eternal home and place of real rest that I long for. Help me to surrender this journey because you already have an ultimate outcome in mind anyway. 

*I share all of the above because I am realizing that anxiety comes from a place of wanting to control. I see this in Isaac.

Isaac has so much anxiety when things are out of control. Isaac’s anxiety is very different. For example, he gets freaked out if his teacher is not there, and it’s a substitute teacher, or if the freeway offramp is closed, or if there is a change in the weather and we can’t go to the park. Isaac hates being out of control because his disability makes the normal routines a little bit of comfort for his constantly anxious mind. 

Control feels good for the anxious heart…but we are not to let it dominate us!!

Thank you God that we can change the paradigm of the “what ifs” that creep into our minds. 

Correct our thought life and put a scripture in us that applies.

May we also apply prayer and your word to comfort us that you DO work all things together for good. Not all things are good, but in time even if it takes all the way till the day we enter eternity ….we know that all things do work together for good as the scripture clearly states. Jesus, we love you help us take those “what ifs” and throw them in the trash and trust in you instead !