Actually, that is not 100% true. I didn’t declare war against autism I just had a one-to-one “mano y mano” combat moment with autism.
Isaac’s behaviors have been intense.
He has regressed.
He has gone backwards in many areas.
He stopped flushing the toilet.
He screams at me.
He gets frustrated.
He has severe OCD & is rigid if anything changes.
He needs constant verbal prompts and directives.
He unbuckles his seat belt in the car and tries to get out of his seat.
I am exhausted.
On Saturday May 13 we decided to make some drastic changes around our house to help Isaac.
This re-boot spilled over to Sunday which spilled over to Monday… today as I write this it is a Tuesday and I’m still processing it all.
Isaac is a full time commitment and then some.
When he is anxious, that anxiety spills over on us.
We all have our own strategies & methods to help us cope.
Olivia has dance and prayer.
Chuck has plants and skateboarding and prayer.
I have writing and walks and prayer.
Right now it’s tough and the forecast is more wind and waves and rain.
On May 16, 2022 I took Isaac to a local park before his school start time at 9am. We do this Monday-Friday.
I don’t mind taking him to the park.
It’s quiet.
He enjoys the swing.
I walk and pray.
On May 16, 2022 it was different. I was already exhausted from a melt down filled weekend & an emotional month/year.
As many of you already know, Isaac loves all things party, ie., balloons, cupcakes, decorations, presents, etc.
We get to the park and he begins saying out loud in the car, “Not your party!!”
I have no idea why he’s saying this…
I look over at the park and there is a HUGE balloon arch with a batman theme.
There must’ve been over 20 balloons left over from a party. There were also streamers, and decorations.
I lost it.
The balloons are a problem because he obsesses. He can’t just look at the balloons and think “oh that’s cool.” He can’t look at the balloons and say to himself “that’s OK those old party balloons are not mine.”
He will either want to take ALL OF them home with us in the car or pop them.
I chose pop them.
I pulled out my keys and began popping and piercing each balloon.
I was so angry and tear filled I dropped to my knees and popped each one as quickly as I could.
I don’t believe I can fully communicate my anger at that moment.
Autism has robbed us of so many things.
Isaac is in 8th grade but there will be no promotion party.
Isaac is 14 but there are no girl crushes or desire to go to a junior high summer camp with church.
There is no request for money to buy his sister a birthday gift.
We can’t go into the sanctuary at church because Isaac is loud & has some behaviors that are unsavory or troublesome.
We cannot attend birthday parties or weddings or certain homes.
I wept.
I popped.
I prayed.
I popped.
I dry heaved & cried heavily.
I popped.
I popped each balloon & prayed out loud wailing to Jesus.
Isaac said “momma sad. momma cry”
I popped some more…
Than a miracle happened.
Isaac said to me “heart broken.”
He has never said this before…
He knew exactly how I felt.
It was shocking.
Isaac knew my deep cries meant something.
God interprets my groaning, but what a gift that moment was!
Isaac has melt downs often
but this was a grieving mother meltdown.
I gave my honest lament to God.
I am not quite sure why it bothered me so much on that day as we have discovered “left over” party stuff at the park before- especially on a Monday. I think it was just a clash of my weariness with autism & the fact that even on a regular Monday morning ….nothing is regular with Isaac.
I am learning
Rabbi Jesus keep teaching me
As Isaac is a teen now, my patience is testing more than ever.
I am vexed
I am overwhelmed
I am over it
But God
How many times do we see those words in scripture?
So many
But God
Their backs were against the wall, but God parted the Red Sea
They turned up the fiery furnace hotter than ever but the boys trusted God would deliver them
David’s own son wanted to kill him but God didn’t allow that to happen
Sarah was barren but God opened her womb
Ruth shouldn’t have been cared for, but God brought her Boaz
Jesus should have been acquitted -declared innocent of alleged crimes, but God let him become the Lamb in our place
Moses had a speech impediment but God used him as Yahweh’s mouthpiece
Paul should’ve died many times but God knew he needed to go before Ceaser
Autism should’ve broken me long ago, but God still has me as the mother and caregiver to Isaac
But God
His story is not over with us yet
Whatever balloons you need to pop to release your frustrations with the circumstance you are in, DO IT. Cry, weep, wail, journal, pray, read scripture, listen to worship even if you feel unable to sing along.
It is well with my soul!
So let’s not allow ourselves to get fatigued doing good. At the right time we will harvest a good crop if we don’t give up, or quit. Right now, therefore, every time we get the chance, let us work for the benefit of all, starting with the people closest to us in the community of faith. —Galatians 6:9–10 MSG
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