I surrender "a little bit"

My son as you all know has autism.

Part of autism includes unsavory behavior.

The top behavior that I hate, loathe, detest, abhor is BITING.

It is really awful.

He does not bite often but even once a month, or once every 2-3 months is one time too many.

The LORD reminded me of a story and I pray it encourages you...

Years ago my son Isaac would play on his Nana's computer. He was doing something and apparently his cousin (my niece) was up in the mix. 

I was not there at the time. My mom (the world's best Nana) was taking care of Isaac and Julianna (Isaac's neuro-typical cousin).

Isaac would get upset about something and at times bite others.

On this instance my mom went in to the room and Isaac was crying.

"What happened Julie?" My mom inquired.

She responds, "I just a little bit bit him."

This little feisty niece of mine decided to fight fire with fire and she bit him back!!

This never happens.

Usually, when Isaac bites someone they stay away and do not play by him or near him.

On this rare occasion Julie bit him back!

This story still does not make me smile.

You might read it and think, "Well she figured if he is going to bite me, I'll just bite him back."

This is the resolution for typical kids, in typical play settings with typical minds.

This is not how Isaac works.

If you bite him back, he'll still bite you if he is at a level 10 in frustration. 

Kids (and adults) on the spectrum do not have the language to communicate so they will repeat behaviors like hitting, biting, self harm, screaming, tantrums, etc. because they simply do not have an alternate way of expressing themselves. 

To say "this is hard" is the understatement of the century...

Right now, we are in the season of Christmas.

There are decorations everywhere. There are lights all aglow. There are toys to be purchased, there are gifts to be re-gifted, there are cookies to be baked and worship songs to be rehearsed.

It's the most wonderful time of the year....

Well...not for the autism family....

The other day Chuck put up a little Christmas tree.

Just the memory of Christmas trees in our home brings up MANY MANY bad memories.

There is the year Isaac kept breaking the vintage ornaments.

There is the year he opened up presents that Olivia and I painstakingly wrapped.

There is the year Isaac kept saying over and over "Christmas tree Christmas tree" 

There is the year Olivia was in tears saying "Isaac is ruining Christmas" and we ended up taking down all our ornaments and decorations early because it was causing too much anxiety for Isaac.

This year, sweet Isaac wanted a present. The moment the tree went up, he kept asking for a present. I said "I don't have any presents" and he lunged at me aggressively.

I literally calmed him down and later said "You can open a present later" I got a bag, put some snacks and stickers in it and had him open it to "calm" the OCD noise in his head...

The point here is not to discuss autism, our Christmas traditions (or lack thereof) or even the roughness of this season for me....

My point (prompted by the Holy Spirit) has to do with Julianna's comment.

"I just a little bit BIT him"

The LORD has been teaching me ALL over again the lesson of surrender.

I have shared this before...

We sing I SURRENDER ALL-Not I surrender "most" or I surrender "some."

God wants ALL! In Spanish "TODO" He wants full and complete surrender.

We can't just a little bit surrender the way Julianna said she just "a little bit" bit Isaac.

We must surrender ALL.

Mary was told by Simeon "Behold this Child is destined for the fall and rising of many in Israel, and for a sign which will be spoken against (yes, a sword will pierce through your own soul also) that the thoughts of many hearts may be revealed" Luke 2:34 

What sword Simeon? Can you elaborate?

Can you imagine how these words must have reveberated in Mary's mind all of her life?

When Jesus was mocked... Is this the sword?

When Jesus' brothers did not believe He was the Messiah... Is this the sword?

When Jesus was betrayed by Judas...Surely this is the sword. 

When Jesus was whipped and beaten and scourged....Finally I understand THIS must be the sword.

No.

When Jesus was nailed to that cross and Mary was there. She did not leave the area. She watched. She watched him come into the world, and she would not allow this horrific moment to be missed either. She watched him say "I thirst." She was the one who always gave him water to drink when he was a young boy and a larger amount of water when he was a teen. 

She heard him say "My God my God why have you forsaken me" and perhaps she was the one who taught Him to read Psalm 22 and now she is seeing Psalm 22 fulfilled before her very eyes. 

I get it Simeon. I get it Abba Father. 

THIS.

This is the sword that was foretold. I am pierced in the heart while He is pierced in His flesh. 

She probably did not get the meaning behind the cross at that moment...

She wanted to.

She wanted to make sense of this Holy moment. "My Son is NOT a martyr. Surely He will rise from the dead. Messiah can do anything. This cannot be the end. My son, my son, my son" She wept bitterly....

Mary must have felt so light headed and faint. It is a miracle in and of itself that she was able to "watch" the crucifixion. 

We can learn a lot from Mary,

Mary did not surrender "a little bit"

Mary did not surrender "some"

Mary did not surrender "most"

Mary surrendered "ALL"

She watched in pain as Jesus her firstborn son, her only son that was born PRIOR to her having relations with Joseph....She watched him die...then she waited.

Mary was in the upper room after Jesus resurrected and ascended. 

Mary was a great woman of faith. 

This Christmas I am learning and re-learning surrender all over again.

I can't just a "little bit" surrender.

I can't surrender a "little bit"

I must surrender all.

Remember Jesus in the Garden of Gethsemene? 
He prayed.

He prayed and He was in deep anguish. Yet He remained laser focused.

"Not my will, Your will be done Abba Father"

There are many things we must surrender. We must take it to the altar over and over and over again. Sometimes MULTIPLE times a day.

I still hate autism. 
I do get deeply grieved when Isaac bites, pinches, pulls hair or gets aggressive. 

However, I must choose surrender over and over because this is what honors God best. 

I do not know what you are struggling with and what you need to surrender. I pray you can glean from this and not surrender a "little bit" but give God your ALL.

Christmas is unique in our home. It is melancholy because we WANT Isaac to enjoy the Christmas season and not experience so much anxiety over the change.

However, I will not "wish" Isaac into anything. What I can do is surrender. I surrender Christmas to you LORD Jesus. 
I surrender the celebrations and all of the things that trigger Isaac.

Whatever you desire, I will choose surrender. Holy Spirit HELP US surrender even when all we can see is an old rugged cross and do not yet see an empty tomb. 

Help us LORD Jesus not miss you this Christmas but truly Worship you and surrender our hearts to you again and again.