Not that cute anymore...

Today is Jan 1, 2021. 

New Year's Day.

Most people make resolutions, sleep in, watch the Rose Parade or a Football game....

Many of use desire to read God's Word, maybe we open up a brand new One Year Bible reading plan and Read Genesis 1:1, Psalm 1 and Matt 1. 

Fresh year, fresh start and new beginnings....

For me, Jan 1 is always bitter sweet. I love the crisp morning air. I love thinking about all the good things God has in store for the New Year to come...

However, the "bitter" part of New Year's Day for me personally is that the following day (Jan. 2) is Isaac's birthday.

Isaac is a gift from the LORD. 

He has special needs-he has autism and he is unique, quirky, different, hard to raise, somewhat-verbal, and challenged in so many ways...

I ask God to remind me of that precious verse Jeremiah 29:11 that God's thoughts toward Isaac are good and not evil to give him a future and a hope. John 10:10 says God wants to give us an abundant life- a satisfying life- a life FULL of all the goodness of God. 

I am thankful to the LORD for entrusting me with the privilege and oh so crazy hard challenge of raising Isaac.

Every year when his birthday comes around I am reminded of his birth.

Born at 12:29am. He was born a little over the New Year's day mark. I thought it would be so cool to have a child born on Jan 1. He was born on his grandma Natalie's birthday- kinda cool- they share the date.

As he turned 1, then 2, he was so energetic, smiley, joy-filled and very very BOY through and through.

He would get in to everything. Climb up everything. He walked quickly...I believe he started walking around 10 months.

I was thrilled to have a boy. I have nieces and was so excited about celebrating "boy things." Trucks, cars, skateboarding, lizards bugs, etc. 

When he was 2 we noticed  he wasn't making eye contact and also did not answer to his name.

He wasn't talking.

Then at 3.5 they said "autism."

You know the story....

Now, TOMORROW he turns 13 and it's hard...

Autism parents are funny. We can be honest with each other and talk about the tough stuff, the ugly stuff, the things that are definitely not instagram worthy...things like special needs doctors, seizures, puberty, IEP meetings, mean people, food aversions, break throughs, potty training, social anxiety, sensory overloads and the every so common problem of "melt downs."

I was speaking with a fellow autism mom a couple of years ago and I shared my fears of Isaac transitioning into Junior High or Middle School. Now, because Isaac would be in a special day class, he would be in a special autism program however, kids are kids and I was so afraid of bullies. I was afraid of a lot of things....we talked and shared. 

When your child with autism is smaller/younger...they are cute and sweet and just "a little quirky" to the unknowing stranger whether adult or child. 

However my friend said something that both stunned me and stood with me...

She said "It's harder now because you know...they are just not that cute anymore."

Ugh.

That comment cut to my heart.

Junior high schoolers/tweens and teens are not that cute. 

These kids have acne, weird hair cuts, funny teeth, their voices changes (for boys) they act immature or try to act "cool" and act older even though they still want to play and act like well "kids."

For any kid developing into the tween and teen years- they really aren't cute any more. 

Of course I say this tongue in cheek because every mom thinks his/her child is the most beautiful child on earth. 

I do really think this! I stare at Olivia all the time and tell her how beautiful she is to which I get the teen "eye roll" from her as a response.

I stare at Isaac and tell him he is handsome and say "I love you. Remember 'Jesus loves me'" and he responds "So much"

To the world...the special needs tween or teen is not that cute....

I hear these words in my mind often...

If he touches someone or tries to give a fist bump or high five, a lot of people look at him strange like "why are you trying to interact with me?" In contrast, if someone tells him "Good morning!" and he does not respond you may get the "how rude" look....

Also, there are teen friends and teen kids you see out in the community...These kids look at Isaac and I can read it all over their face "What's wrong with him?" I almost wish they would just ask me rather than stare.

Some people are super sweet- former special education teachers- aides or just random people that have big hearts for special needs kids/adults...they try to engage Isaac and talk to him at his level. I do not mean in a condescending way...but just in a special, compassionate and kind way...

I hold my breathe. 

I pray often.

I am ready for the teen years.

Several dear fellow autism moms warned me - the teen years are awful.

You have puberty, body changes, mood changes, testosterone surge for boys, and all of the other things that come with "growing up."

Isaac has autism and I have accepted him as he is. Sometimes...I wish he would stay little. Yes he is delayed...but delayed and "not that cute" is just too much for a mom to handle. 

So here we go...Isaac turns 13 tomorrow!

We are ready for you teen years. 

We will continue to challenge you Isaac. 

We will continue to be mindful of your sensory overload tendencies, your OCD, your need for routine to reduce anxiety, your quirks, your likes and dislikes and also we will understand....you are changing. You are maturing. You are developing in your physical body and your palette for things may change too. 

We do not know what is going on inside of you...mostly because you can't tell us.

That is the hardest part.

I have gone into Olivia's room (she's almost 15 now) and she is crying....

Why are you crying? 

I don't know mom, I am just upset. Too much homework, and my friend and I got into an argument and I just want to be alone.

She might answer something like this, or not...but I think to myself "I get it. She is a teen girl. She is going through puberty and her emotions are everywhere"

But with Isaac...it's different. 

He cannot confess when something is wrong. We have to guess. 

This is where our faith comes in.

James 1:5 is a fabulous go to verse for me in raising Isaac. 

"If any of you lacks wisdom- ASK and I will give it to you"

God is not hiding. 

Isaac is not the world's only special needs child.

God is a perfect parent and He willingly offers His hand to me. 

God is Isaac's potter. 

God will direct us how to raise him and navigate the scary waters of him growing into being an autistic teen. (He is still a child of God first!)

And even if people say "he is not that cute anymore" Olivia and Chuck have this joke that her friends will think he is a good looking young man- They aren't wrong!