When I was in law school, we found an old Nintendo game station and a few games (at a yard sale of course!)
Chuck and I would drive around on any given Saturday in older historic neighborhoods trying to find swirl Bauer pots, vintage items, Mid-Century modern furniture and of course I was always on the look out for vintage costume jewelry.
One day we found a Nintendo gaming console with games! Low and behold included in our find was my favorite Nintendo game of all time- TETRIS!
I can hear the Russian instrumental theme song even as I type my thoughts here on a beautiful Saturday afternoon in May...
*Tetris*
I played when I was younger gal and I was actually quite good.
I was never into crossword puzzles or sudoku, or chess or other video games (like my brother) but I loved Tetris!
When I needed a little break from my weekend law school studies (ie., reading Constitutional Law, Evidence, Civil Procedure, Torts, and other Law school subjects over my 4 year experience in Law School) I gladly found a little fun and relaxation in playing Tetris.
Fast forward to this very time of my life, 2025;
I just turned 46 and we don't have that beloved Nintendo set any more. (We sold it at a yard sale...)
Now, I am a former Tetris law student junkie who has embraced autism Tetris life. But this game is extreme and results in injury not a flashing "Game Over."
My Tetris gaming days are far from over.
I play Tetris in my mind every day as I raise Isaac.
I am exhausted.
It's not fun at all.
One false move and you gotta start all over but now, the GAME OVER frustration flashes on the screen of my face, GAME OVER flashes over my mind and interrupts my sleep.
This is what I mean...
Why did I do that today?
Why did I ask so-and-so to watch Isaac? I thought it was OK my LORD. I prayed about it, Chuck agreed. What move did I miss?
She did not know all of Isaac's needs. It's my fault!!
I should have prepped her more. I should have handed her a copy of his recent IEP or shadowed her a few more times before leaving her with Isaac all alone.
I goofed.
One bad move equals weeks of melt downs.
GAME OVER
Tears stream down my face. Head pounding. GAME OVER you lose...
The dreaded R word pops in my mind.
Not retarded, although I do HATE that word.
No the R word in autism land, the language for losing skills or losing abilities is called "regression."
In autism land we notice this trend- kids/adults take one step forward and then one misstep, one false move (like in Testris) BOOM, you take 10 steps back.
"I see regression over the summer months." This is a common statement moms, dads, caregivers, and teachers all say regarding a child's progress.
If the strict school schedule is changed or altered even one inch, your loved one (in my case, Isaac) will regress. They'll lose skills. They will melt down. They will attack you. (Or some people have self harm, depression, anxiety, and other terrible woes) They might destroy property. They will cry and lament and experience the cycle of grief. There is not enough words to describe what a severe melt down feels like on the inside. This is one reason I am so in love with Jesus. He melts away the pain when I praise and pray His Names out loud.
Christ conquers Tetris. Christ is bigger than autism.
The "hoops" Chuck and I must go through to satisfy Isaac's OCD craving for perfectly orchestrated routine reminds me of the Old Testament laws for animal sacrifice. (see Leviticus 7:2-32, Lev. 1:1-3:17, Lev 5, Exodus 29:10-14, Deut 12:15-25, Leviticus chapter 16 and so many others in scripture)
A lamb without blemish.
You must not be with a woman for a certain number of days.
You must be clean. You must wash your hands a certain way on certain days.
You must do this and you must do that, if not GAME OVER. Oh, and you must do this over and over, again and again.
Oh. You touch a dead thing? You died. GAME OVER.
Laura, that was the Old Testament.
We don't have to follow those rules any more.
But what about today?
We as Christians are called to live a Holy life.
Here is how a day may go:
You woke up. Read your Bible quickly (with distracted thoughts). You got impatient with a child or spouse.
You failed and regression in the mind happens...
You might ruminate like this.
"Ugh LORD! I failed again. I sinned again with this same mouth. I ruined the day. It's my fault. I know you forgave me last time but will you have mercy on me again, this time?"
Thankfully, in Christ, there are not games to be played, no OCD routines or rituals that must be followed. No tags that must be removed from clothing, or food that must be prepared the same way, at the same time using the same brand.
In Christ there is freedom. (John 8:31-36)
In Christ, there are no calculated moves. Like that Police song, "Every breathe you take every move you make I'll be watching you." Christ is not following us waiting for a misstep or a goof up or a failure to perform.
Not with Christ.
He is not watching you with a faster and faster Tetris song and a faster tempo, requiring you to try harder, play faster, think quicker, be more spiritual lest you die and must go back to square one.
Not in Christ.
In Christ, He paid the price.(John 19:30) He fulfilled Torah. (Matthew 5:17-22)
He was the perfect lamb and His sacrifice was calculated after all. (John 1:29)
His moves were pre-ordained by the Trinity even before the beginning of time.
God knew we would sin because our far distant grandparents sinned. Grandfather Adam sinned, and our grandma Eve sinned. We inherited sin.
Bummer.
But it's more than a bummer.
We are condemned to death if we do not repent. (Mark 1:15)
However, Christ came to fulfill the law. He won!
In Tetris it's called the "kill screen." It's a Mastery of the Game. You literally can't play anymore. The screen changes completely.
There are no more levels to conquer.
No more hoops to jump through.
No more play. In Tetris (the vintage version) you master the game and it's as if the Computer says "OK buddy. You win. Your skills proved enough"
As Christ followers, we know there are not many noble chosen, Christ chooses the foolish things of the world to confound the wise. (1 Corinthians 1:27-29)
God uses Isaac.
I have always prayed that God would use Isaac's life.
God uses Isaac to help people see their blind spots. He leads people to see how flawed they are (on the inside). He helps all of us to see that the weak can say I am strong in the LORD. (Joel 3:10)
Isaac has minimal words. However, if you say to him
"Isaac, Jesus Loves You"
Isaac will respond "so much."
If you tell him "I love you."
He'll respond: "Jesus Loves Me."
Yes, I taught him these things.
But he chooses in his minimal sometimes unintelligible speech to respond.
He even said out loud before. "EL SHADDAI"
He asks daily to hear this song "Sing Your Praise to the LORD" by Amy Grant.
Although, I grieve and pray and constantly ask God to help alleviate or remove Isaac's anxiety, OCD, seizures, and harmful aggressive outbursts, I do not want God to stop using Isaac.
Life with Isaac IS like Tetris.
But I must preach the Gospel to myself daily.
Christ in me the hope of glory.
God is in this place, Immanuel.
Yes, as an autism mom, I can do my best to minimze anxiety and triggers from Isaac's life, but I cannot do this perfectly. Because LORD, even when I do orchestrate things so seemlessly, Isaac develops a new trigger, or there is a time change, or a day off from school, or new medication to get adjusted to, or a freeway closure or any number of things that throw a curve ball into our chesse match or Tetris autism land life....I trust you Lord. I trust that you have the codes to help Isaac. I am clueless. I will talk to his teachers, doctors, other parents, monitor him and love on him, but only you can calm his anxiety within. You are holy and perfect and I want to be like you, but this is a process of sanctification and you can use anything, even autism melt downs, to assist me in developing humility, compassion, empathy, love and long-long-long and longer suffering. I learn how to embody 1 Corithinians 13. Thank you Jesus that it is all paid in full. Every sorrow, sin, stain and shame was handled on that day when you hung on the tree.
I can sing:
"Jesus paid it all, all to Him, I owe. Sin had left it's crimson stain, He washed it white as snow."
