Searching for Something That Isn't There

The other day my husband was searching for a flight.

He doesn't fly often as he would rather drive to his destination.

However, in this instance a flight was the only way to get where he needed to go in a timely manner. 

He looked for the best deal. He looked at various airports and airlines that were available. He was planning to fly with a buddy.

It was not working out. He stayed up late thinking about it...searching, clicking, researching scrolling...

He and his buddy were texting each other deals, options, and things to consider...

Finally, after many days and time on this, my husband realized there was no way he and his buddy could fly out at the same exact same date and time. There was no flight available that worked for both of them. He was searching for something that just wasn't there.

They say "Que sera, sera" whatever will be will be.

We as believers say "If God wills." "Or Lord willing"

However, sometimes we don't really let it go.

We keep searching and looking and staying hyper-fixated on that "thing" hoping and anxiously imagining that it might be there.

My husband Chuck and I were talking about how much we miss fellowship. We long for the days when we could attend a couple's fellowship night, or attend church together as husband and wife, or go on a "date night" with other couples who love Jesus. 

We also cannot fellowship on the weekends because that is our "navy seals" style mission to help Isaac get through Saturday and Sunday. We need to survive it too!

We literally "can't"

It is not that we are lazy to plan something or we are too tired from being autism parents- we just cannot right now.

Isaac is medically challenged and adjusting to his new anti-seizure meds.

Isaac is also severely autistic and his behaviors are such that we cannot leave him with someone or drop him off at a relative's home.

We used to do this when he was younger. Now Isaac has changed and helpers often quit or get a different job, graduate from college or simply stop coming to help.

Chuck and I said "Maybe we are just searching for something that isn't there" like the flight example.

We have fellowship over the phone which is nice. I am blessed to attend a small group Bible study once a week. 

Chuck works on projects with his dad which is not koinonia, but it is still a healthy outlet for him. 

Chuck also participates on zoom with a group of people who share a devotion every Monday and have prayer on Thursdays. 

However, the desire we have for "in person" dates/outings and "in person" connection with other like-minded believers is just not there for us right now. Not in this season. 

The other day my dear Olivia offered to take Isaac with her to get Boba (he cannot get down from the van of course! Thank you Jesus for drive-through)

An outing-Just Olivia and her brother. 

Chuck and I went on a walk to Starbucks. I cannot tell you how refreshing it was! No interruptions. No autism potty accidents. No melt downs. No dangerous "near injury" scares. 

Just a girl and her guy on a walk.

I thought of Paul while in prison. Of course our situation is NOTHING like that...I am just sharing my heart here!

I thought of Paul and how he longed to personally see the new believers. He wrote about them constantly. He said you are my glory and joy.

Paul missed fellowship too.

"If God permits, I want to come see you." 

1 Thess 2:17-20 reads: 

"But since we were torn away from you, brothers, for a short time, in person not in heart, we endeavored the more eagerly and with great desire to see you face to face, because we wanted to come to you—I, Paul, again and again—but Satan hindered us. For what is our hope or joy or crown of boasting before our Lord Jesus at his coming? Is it not you? For you are our glory and joy."

Paul had a longing too. That's what love does. It longs for connection with God, with our spouse, our children, and of course other believers. Paul was a good pastor/shepherd and he longed for "in person" connection with the saints.

I had a friend who lived in the mission field in Morrocco for many years. I asked her about her experience. She said she loved it! However, she said it was very lonely.

Just this morning I mentioned to Chuck, "Isaac is our mission field."

And I agree. It gets lonely.

I believe that God is up to something and will move these heavy boulders caused by autism for Isaac. We know he is different, disabled and special. We have accepted that. However, we ask in faith for God to lighten the load-To bring respite-To bring help and support/To remove the loneliness or help us endure it, whatever He sees best.

What about you?

Are you longing for something that just isn't there?

Something maybe you have been praying for but God has told you repeatedly that this specific thing is not in His plan for you?

It is hard to surrender.

Read that again!

It is hard to surrender.

It is not that we don't love Jesus.

Love is not the problem.

Our thick skulls are the problem!

My husband kept checking and re-checking flights because he is an excellent problem solver. He has that "can do" let's get this done attitude, which I love.

However, sometimes when we get on our knees, pray, fast and release something to the LORD we might just realize- "It's ok LORD. I see now, I was searching for something that just isn't there for me" and that's ok, because God -YOU are God and I trust that Father knows best.

Love Even When

 John 9:1-5 New King James Version (NKJV)

Now as Jesus passed by, He saw a man who was blind from birth. And His disciples asked Him, saying, “Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?” Jesus answered, “Neither this man nor his parents sinned, but that the works of God should be revealed in him. I must work the works of Him who sent Me while it is day; the night is coming when no one can work. As long as I am in the world, I am the light of the world.”

Isaac has not been well. No, thankfully it's not seizures. It is something else. This is something dreadful. He is ill in his mind. 

I knew as Isaac grew taller, grew facial hair and started wearing a Men's Size Large, he would not be accepted or tolerated as much as when he was a cute 6 year old quirky boy. He was not as noticeably disabled.

Isaac cannot tuck in his autism anymore. It is incredibly obvious and I receive every type of strange look imaginable. The looks range from people who look away, to people who look down, to people who stare or look very uncomfortable. 

Isaac's behaviors have a remarkable way of making others feel uncomfortable. (just like the blind man, the man suffering from leprosy and suffering people in scripture)

Isaac is clearly not from this world. He is like a Mac with a PC attachment. Different operating systems. "Cannot open file."

Today I was walking with Isaac after school as we usually do. 

He was highly agitated, more than usual. He pulled my hair several times and I looked in my bag for a rubber band (none available).

I try not to make eye contact with strangers when he gets aggressive with me. I know they are confused. Is that teen boy beating up on his mom? What is happening? 

Isaac pulled my hair the other day and a sheriff car drove by. I was so afraid they might arrest him. Thankfully, at that precise moment he didn't yank my head down as he pulled my hair, he pulled it more discreetly. Whew, what a relief.

Jesus is teaching me.

Jesus is teaching me to love.

Jesus is teaching me to love even when. 

Jesus is teaching me to love when when my hair is getting pulled. 

I have accepted Isaac may never change or stop this behavior. 

He was doing so well! 

For many months after the stay at CHOC hospital in Jan 2024, he went several consecutive weeks without lunging, attempting or actually pulling my hair. Huge progress.

This past weekend was brutal. When he yanks my hair, or gets aggressive or force himself to gag and vomit, it makes me sad. I try to hold back tears. I talk to myself "It's not his fault. He doesn't understand."

The other day I was bathing him and he pulled my hair. I continued to bathe him. What else can I do?

He needs to be clean, this is a non-negotiable. 

Keep loving him, Jesus whispers to me.

Keep praying for him.

Keep showing agape love.

Don't hold a grudge or allow a root of resentment to grow.

Love him even when he is pulling your hair. 
This is Christ-like love. 

Matthew 5:44-48 "But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be children of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that? And if you greet only your own people, what are you doing more than others? Do not even pagans do that? Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect."

Now Isaac is not my enemy. He is my son. However, his behaviors are pretty difficult to endure. It is incredibly difficult to stay calm, spirit filled and not let these moments get to me (I am human).

I am sharing this painful part of my journey because I am certain, you have one, or two, or five people in your life who "pull your hair." Of course they do not do this literally. Of course they are not a family member with a mental disability. But you get the point. 

We must love others even when they are cruel to us, rude to us, or we just don't "feel" like loving on them. 

We must love our neighbor and not retaliate. 

I find one of the best ways I can love a difficult person is to pray for them.

I tell myself "LORD it's not Isaac's fault. Please help him. Please bless him. Calm the noise in his mind."

In your situation, the difficult person may have all of their faculties and the pain they have inflicted upon you may be 100% intentional and mean-spirited. Maybe this person is literally an enemy. We still must love them. Why? It seems impossible. It is impossible. That is why we need the empowerment of the Holy Spirit. He is the One who enables us to love "even when."

Get counsel.

Get accountability.

Talk to a friend and share your heart. say "I am having a hard time loving (name) and I ask you pray for me."

Confess to the LORD if you have a root of bitterness or if you harbor unforgiveness.

Create a prayer journal JUST for this person.

Pray for them outloud and often. 

Love them even when....

Why?
Because Christ loved us even when.

Even when we were still sinners, He went to the Cross.

Loving our enemies (or difficult people) is not a suggestion, it is a command given by Christ.

Please Holy Spirit help us love others even when their behavior is such that it is like we are getting our hair pulled, or being spat at, or feels like we are ridiculed or punched in the face.

Help us not try to fake it or fabricate this love but help us allow you Holy Spirit to grow this love within us.

This is the only way! Give us a supernatural love of the unlovable all for your glory!

Led by the hand

 “And since I could not see for the glory of that light, being led by the hand of those who were with me, I came into Damascus.” Acts‬ ‭22‬:‭11‬ ‭NKJV‬‬

Psalm 32:8 (land of rest and joy)   

Take my hand and walk

Song by “The Kry”

I know there are times

Your dreams turn to dust

You wonder as you cry

Why it has to hurt so much

Give Me all your sadness

Someday you will know the reason why

With a child-like heart

Simply put your hope in Me

There are times when we feel so crippled and we cannot walk. Allow other brothers and sisters to come alongside you. Allow the LORD to carry you. We must be humble enough to say LORD please "take my hand and walk."

Now Saul was physically blinded by the light and he needed help walking for he was temporarily blind. 

However, when we are going through hard times, we may feel blinded by tears, fatigued from emotions and physically exhausted too.

The LORD is here, the LORD is there (Immanuel God with us)

He is so faithful.

Time after time He does carry us. He uses the Word, the Spirit and the encouragement of others to lift us up.

When Chuck and I were in Choc hospital (Jan 3-5) the LORD surprised us with flutters of encouragement. One dear friend brought us lunch (she works near the hospital) an old sister in Christ worked on the same floor we were on (the 5th floor) and checked on us often to see if Isaac needed any toys or support. Another old friend from West Covina High School works at Choc foundation and she sent a Winnie the Pooh balloon (Isaac's favorite) and other goodies that really helped Isaac endure the additional overnight stay. 

The tiny parent cot they give you to sleep in at the hospital is not comfortable. I could not wait to sleep in my bed after the procedures and tests and doctor exams were complete. However, once I got home, I was greeted with my heart pounding at 2 or 3am if I heard any noise from Isaac's room.

"what was that?"

"another seizure?"

"Is Isaac Ok?"

I would check on him and feel my heart beating so fast.

I would pray and in the morning read many encouraging texts by family and friends. He truly does lead us by the hand so we can walk, and when we can't walk He carries us. 

(Isaiah 40:11)

Thank you LORD that you lead us.

I thank you for being the LORD who calms the storm, and sometimes you dear God send the storm and allow it to sanctify us. For this, we can say thank you that you are greater than the storm, and thank you for the storm. For in all of life's trials, you will be glorified through our choice to trust you and let us be led by the hand.

John 9:1-5 New King James Version (NKJV)

Now as Jesus passed by, He saw a man who was blind from birth. And His disciples asked Him, saying, “Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?” Jesus answered, “Neither this man nor his parents sinned, but that the works of God should be revealed in him. I must work the works of Him who sent Me while it is day; the night is coming when no one can work. As long as I am in the world, I am the light of the world.”

Beauty and the Beast

I am so thankful for the cross.

My heart has been heavy for so many reasons.

People I know and love going through marital turmoil.

People I know and love dealing with heavy issues in their home.

Loved ones wrestling with cancer. 

My own son Isaac and the constant struggles of a boy becoming a man, but still a boy in his brain.

Life is hard.

I reflect on you Jesus and the fact that your life was hard too (and you are God!)

I choose to look up to you.

I read this morning the definition of the word "feeble."

As one of the Psalms I read (paraphrase) said -I am weak and feeble but you (God) are strong and mighty.

Feeble means lacking physical strength especially as a result of age or illness. Or, feeble can also mean lacking strength of character.

I confessed both! I am feeble LORD, both in my physical and character. I need you daily!

LORD I lack strength and energy due to my inability to handle all the curve balls life throws my way. I also dear LORD lack the strength of character. I am NOT at all like you Jesus, which is why I am thankful for the imputed righteousness and thankful for the impartation of the gift of the Holy Spirit. "Christ in me, the hope of glory" not character and quality in myself that is the hope of glory. That would be nonsense. I am small you are big and Mighty Oh God!

All of this leads up to my continually going back to the Cross.

Easter is just around the corner and I enjoy "email devotionals" that are sent to my inbox weekly to remind me of 1 or more elements of the Passion week. Whether the author points out the prophecies Jesus fulfilled, or redirects our gaze to the Old Testament -all these images point to Christ. I find all of these readings are beautiful soul prep to ready my heart for Easter. I also enjoy listening to podcasts (Bible teachings)

Today I listened to an amazing teaching from Dr. Timothy Keller from Isaiah 52:13-53:12.
Our suffering Savior. Jesus the Servant-King. 

It is always difficult to think about and wrap my mind around the brutality of the Cross.

Jesus was marred more than a man. Dr. Keller mentioned it was so grotesque (what Jesus' body looked like) it could literally make someone vomit.

This is our LORD on the Cross.

We sing hymns like "All things bright and beautiful, All creatures great and small, All things wise and wonderful, Twas God that made them all"

Our LORD Jesus, was the same God who formed Yellowstone, Yosemite, daisies, irises, succulents, ladybugs, butterflies, the ocean and the Grand Canyon.  God knows all about beauty. In fact, we all are trying to get back to the Garden of Eden. All humans are trying to get back to beauty and wholeness (shalom) with God. (Christians know this, non-believers fixate on "fake" or alternative forms of beauty and temporary peace) 

Jesus was there at Genesis 1:1 and yet we see Him here in Isaiah 52 and 53 marred so terribly He was barely recognizable as a human at all.

Dr. Timothy Keller often quotes literature and this message (teaching) was no different. He reminds us of the story of Beauty and the Beast. 
I immediately jumped ahead in my mind and thought, "OK Pastor. I know where you are going. Christ is the Beauty and I am the Beast." God is all together lovely, and we humans are so jacked up and beastly.

True and true.

However, this is not what Dr. Keller said. 

He said (paraphrase), in the story of Beauty and the Beast, the woman kissed the beast and the curse was broken. With God's rescue plan, Calvary is different.

Jesus BECAME the beast. 

He become marred beyond the image of a man. 

Grotesque & horrific. 

Jesus became sin on that Cross and He became the beast so we could become His beauty/His beloved.

This analogy moved me so deeply I began to sob and shake.

Our LORD Jesus became the ugly beast of "sin" and shame to conquer death and the eternal consequences of sin once and for all.

I have been trying to close my eyes and imagine the nail in His beautifully calloused carpenter's hand. I picture the soldiers extending His hand and the nail being hammered in. 

I remind myself. 

I remember. 

It is good for us to see the Cross with new eyes. That is what Dr. Keller's message from Isaiah 52 and 53 did for me. I pictured a disfigured man, marred, bloodied and "beast like" on the Cross and it refreshed my love and devotion to Him.

 He did it for us. 

There was no beauty in Him. He was altogether ordinary- Jesus from Nazareth. He put on flesh and became ordinary- yet He was still fully God.

We should be baffled by this constantly.

My dear friend mentioned a book to me that reminds us all to "preach the Gospel" to ourselves daily. The Gospel isn't just for non-believers. The Gospel isn't just for a Harvest crusade, the Mission field, or to share with a stranger. The Gospel and Good-Friday isn't just for the Easter season. The Gospel is for each of us and we need to remember every single day.

Give us this day our daily bread. 

We must feast on the Gospel daily and chew on it. We need Christ's love to make us beautiful. There is no other way.

As a woman, I often think of the Proverbs 31 lady. I desire to be like her. I may not relate to all her activities, but as a woman, I desire to be beautiful and live with honor like she did sharing God's love to others.

Charm is deceitful and beauty is passing.

I was looking outside at our winter blooming camellias the other morning. I prayed with my eyes open "Lord make my soul beautiful like this Camellia." This type of beauty only comes from Christ's life lived through my lips, my thoughts, my actions, my work, my leisure, my prayers, my Bible reading, my motherhood, my marriage and in every aspect of the wonderful or mundane things of life. My husband said the other day "All of life should be a devotion" I liked that!

Charm is deceitful and beauty is passing (or it fades) but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.

Christ's beauty in a man or woman never fades. When we die and wither (like all human bodies do) our souls will be either beastly (unredeemed) or beautiful (covered and saturated with the blood of Jesus).

May your heart be encouraged today as you ask God to help you meditate on the horror of the Cross and the beauty of redemption. His suffering made Him "beast-like" so He can create in you a clean and beautiful soul. Hallelujah! What a savior!

Flat prayers

Do you ever pray and feel like the words don’t flow?

Have you ever felt muted? Like your mouth is moving, but the words are silent? Or like your prayers fall flat? 

My family loves to drink la croix or bubbly or other carbonated water beverages. 

They are crisp and refreshing, zero calories (win win!!)

Trials can cause a shift in our prayers.

I have been gutted through trials and I can get on my knees and feel flooded with peace. 

I have had moments of prayer with a girlfriend and the prayer flows and they seamlessly flow to God. 

These prayers are guttural, raw and it is as though the Holy Spirit put His stamp on it. 

But….

There are other times I feel my prayers have gone flat.

Flat, flat, flat…. 

Like a drink that was left over night and the fizz is gone.

 I share this because I am certain I am not the only one.

I love to pray scripture. When we pray God’s Word we are reminding God (and ourselves) of His promises and you can be certain praying a psalm is a beautiful encouraging way to pray! 

We groan

We sigh

We cry

We moan or murmur, or we might even scream…

These are all prayers and ways to express our heart to God. 

Just like a knife can get dull from overuse, our prayers can feel dull. 

I call them broken record prayers.

Here I am LORD, here is my request…

Here I go again with this same concern…

We might feel refreshed after unloading…. unpacking our heart to the LORD.

But other times we might not feel any different.

We might actually feel discouraged- again, flat prayers and we might feel as though God didn’t hear (A LIE!) 

We must press through, push forward and resist the temptation to stop praying. 

One thing that encourages me is asking someone to pray for me (and lift up my request) 

This reminds me of asking someone close to proof read a paper.  They have “fresh eyes” and they can see the situation with a new lens.

I love receiving prayer. This experience greatly honors God and refreshes me. Intercession takes the pressure off me to pray with the right words. I feel free to listen and not talk and simply enjoy the Holy Spirit praying through this friend. 

Lastly, God at times puts the pause on my praying for certain things and prompts me to “Just praise.”

Sometimes I am so close to the trouble, it can become almost an idol where I’m focused so much on the thorn and the problem and not truly focused on God’s character. 

I need to take a step back for a moment from my flat prayers and JUST PRAISE.

This blows my mind.

When we get to heaven, and all is accomplished as outlined in Revelation, there will be no more need for prayer -ONLY PRAISE. 

Praise continues on and on and will be our #1 job in heaven! 

This thrills me.

We get to come to the Lord and obtain mercy and help in time of need, YES, but if we lose sight of praise and worship, I fear we are treating God like Santa Claus and not Yahweh of Hosts/El Shaddai, the GREAT I AM, the King of Kings and LORD of Lords.

Jesus you are worthy! 

You said ask seek knock and we will not stop interceding until our last breathe.

Sometimes Lord, my prayers feel flat, but I reject my feelings and trust you Abba Father. You love to hear from your children! 

Please LORD teach us to worship! 

Take us back to the Cross.

May we stand in awe of you all over again!  May we remember, when our prayers fall flat, you live to make intercession for us and your prayer life Jesus is PERFECT!  

Hallelujah Amen! 

It's all ministry

 My husband and I had a really good conversation about "ministry."

He is a gifted teacher and I love to encourage.

However, with Isaac's health and disability related concerns being how they are lately, we find it difficult to even attend church. We can't serve.

Are you mad at us LORD?

Are we walking in our calling?

How can we serve you when autism and Isaac's needs are such a big part of our lives?
The LORD reminds me often "it is all ministry"

As I brush Isaac's teeth, help him get dressed for the day, pack his lunch, help him put on deodrant and all the steps of "getting dressed" as a 16 year old autistic young man, it's all ministry.

It does not feel like ministry at all.

There are no verses involved. There are no churches approving these tasks and assignments. 

Yet it truly is ministry.

Chuck and I are living examples of a "shift."

We used to record a podcast and talk about the Bible and encourage ourselves in the LORD at church and through small group studies too. We loved it! 

Now, we wake up at 5am or 5:30am and read our Bibles, (mostly quietly) then a pause to pray together and share a thought or two, and boom 6am, Isaac is awake. Our minds, lives and attention shifts to Isaac and his needs.

Ministry is super important but I think we forget what ministry means. We often think "the ministry" (serving in church or around God's people) is different than "ministry" whereby we serve at home, we serve our families, our community and it may not be under the umbrella of the church.

We want so badly to "do more" for the LORD. I blame this pressure-performance drive on the American culture and society always wanting you to "go big or go home."

Ministry can be quiet like ironing a shirt for your child or spouse, or giving a bottled water to someone, mailing a note of encouragement, praying over your child or loved one when they sleep. Ministry is weeping in the car because the worship song reminded you all over again how Good and Kind and Loving and Gracious Jesus is. 

Ministry is every where. Now, I am not being silly obviously brushing your own teeth, or tying your shoes may not be ministry per se but the Word says, "And whatever you do in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through Him." Colossians 3:17

As a special needs mom, I know that serving Isaac is ministry and it is valuable to the LORD and certainly valuable to Isaac and our whole family.

But let's be real- sometimes our day to day tasks do not "feel" like ministry.

If you serve at a counter at church, or volunteer to open your home for a church event, you have a big smile and know that you are serving the LORD and He is pleased (if your motives are pure, of course).

However, the day to day tasks, the unnoticed tasks like picking up medication for a loved one, opening the door for an elderly person, smiling at someone who you can tell had a hard day, giving a compliment, etc. these are ways we can serve the LORD. 

The behind the scenes tasks of life do not go unnoticed to the LORD.

We see this in the Gospel. I love the moment when Jesus said He saw Nathanael still under the fig tree (John 1:48) or when Hagar calls God "El Roi" the God who sees. 

God sees you. The LORD Ominpotent, Ominscient sees you and sees me in our day to day tasks. I think one day in heaven we will be surprised at the LORD in how many times He smiled at us when we did the lowly tasks no one else wanted to do.

Jesus washed feet, loved on the outcasts and did many mundane tasks while He was here on earth. May we not get caught up in one "certain type" of ministry but realize- our whole life, our mornings and nights and moments in between can be ministry if we do them unto the LORD.

Be encouraged!

One day in heaven...

One day in heaven...

What a day it will be....

No more seizures affecting his brain...

No more struggles, no more pain...

One day in heaven...

Jesus' face will eclipse my eyes, faith will be by sight...

One day in heaven...

No more watching Isaac struggle in these autism walls...

No more fears of dangerous falls...

One day in heaven...

I can see your calloused hands from the Carpenter's Shop,

I can see the bottles and bottles of my tear drops...

One day in heaven...

No death, disability, divorce or decay...

No unkind word, no interruptions to worship...

One day in heaven...

I read the Word, the letters you left...

I see how in the Garden you suffered while the disciples slept...

What task is there left for me to do?

I often try to point others to you.

"Serve him my daughter. The disabled son to you I gave. See each day as a gift and stay in my yoke"

"Through the battles, the raging, the torment you see, 

A living sacrifice you are to me."

LORD I am tired can that one day be today?

No, not yet, there are others to be saved...

One day in heaven sounds so far away...

Until then I'll crave you, I'll long to be there and mourn sometimes too...

For until heaven, I can sit here, meditate, weep and praise...